Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Site stuff

Join our Innovation Panel to try new features early and help make Mumsnet better.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Adult Adoptees - Dedicated Section Under Talk Topics

81 replies

Humsta · 15/04/2016 15:27

Would anyone be interested in a dedicated Adult Adoptees Section under the talk topics? Being one myself I haven't been very successful in finding support online, except for posting in mumsnet. This did provoke interest from people in a similar position to me as well as adopters / potential adopters who are interested in our experiences.

I'm happy to go into details about my past but think at this stage mumsnet wants to gauge how much use it would actually get. There must be a lot of us adult adoptees on this planet, however, I know very few people in day-to-day life who share experiences similar to me and it can really help to share..so what do you think?

OP posts:

NewMinouMinou · 18/04/2016 21:56

Deffo.

MrSlant · 18/04/2016 23:36

Beautifully put SpookyRachel What we all have in common is knowing that this is not the rainbows-and-butterflies story that outsiders often expect and wish for.

As an aside to that though I think that we children of the 70's (and thereabouts) have different stories to those adopted nowadays. There were a lot of women who voluntarily (however voluntarily that was given the support system) gave up children at birth, who were then placed with families as very young babies and officially adopted before they were a year old. It's a very different demographic to nowadays in general, I believe, although I am willing to hear all of the other sides to this. I remain fascinated, and I hope supportive to, all children adopted and their families that I meet.

I would love a space to debate the pros and cons of the system now and then as well, now it seems to me that the prevalence is to keep children with birth families as much as is practical. I have such mixed feelings about this. Although that chat is for a new nn and different set of posts I think!

Giggorata · 19/04/2016 07:31

I'm in.

Original poster

Humsta · 19/04/2016 20:28

Mumsnet (MNHQ) when do you think you'll make a decision? I'm happy to discuss with you more if you need more info? Or is there a threshold of people who showed interest you'd prefer to meet? Perhaps you could trial it for 6 months?

I know we're small in number but I think the general feeling is we wouldn't want anything that excluded anyone and was totally open - so others on the web could potentially find it and to the support the adoption triad.

It would be clear what it was for i.e. adult adoptees male or female discussing their life experiences whether parents or not. Maybe it wouldn't be used all that much but I think the fact that there is so little support generally it would be good to know there was a little place we could go to - should we ever want to - that wouldn't be too dusty and would still be live...

Thanks either way

OP posts:

FruStefanOla · 19/04/2016 20:39

Humsta, MNHQ can take some time to make decisions like this. They're not ignoring you - they're just thinking about it.

tldr · 19/04/2016 20:48

The Adoption section doesn't show up in active unless you opt in (for new users anyway, I think old users might still see it). This was good news for Adopters as there was always tons of well meaning but ill informed posters posting without realising we were talking about adopted/traumatised DC but it certainly feels like it's cut the traffic right down.

This might be why the adult adoptee thread isn't getting the attention you'd want it to?

ididntsignupforthis1 · 19/04/2016 20:53

I'm one
I'm interested

vvviola · 19/04/2016 20:54

Like FruStefanOla I don't have many issues about my adoption, but I'll happily support the call for an Adult Adoptees board. Adoption rarely features in my day to day issues these days, and it's not something I feel the need to talk about, but neither is it something I hide. It just is.

But that doesn't mean things won't change at some stage, and I might be glad of a place to go.

Original poster

Humsta · 19/04/2016 21:04

I don't really mind the level of attention - it's not for me personally after all. It's a little bit like selling on gumtree, you might put a high price but the actual sale price is a reflection of the demand!

OP posts:

Orangeanddemons · 19/04/2016 21:04

I'm one too. I'd be interested. I'd like to know l wasn't the only one who met their birth mother and found it a total non-event. I felt nothing.

Jackie0 · 19/04/2016 21:13

Count me in

Original poster

Humsta · 20/04/2016 20:49

Anyone seeing this thread for the first time think it's a good idea?

OP posts:

MNHQ

IonaMumsnet · 20/04/2016 23:00

Hi again Humsta. Sorry! And yes, as a previous poster says, we're not ignoring you - honest! We are reading and getting a picture of what the general opinion is. Anyone else like to add their opinion?

Original poster

Humsta · 21/04/2016 07:57

Thanks Mumsnet As a guide (nothing official) in 2014 approximately 776 thousand people were born in England and Wales and around that same time 282 children were adopted.

Obviously these weren't all children adopted at birth but the point I'm trying to make is that adoptees seem to make up less than 1% of the population - and I would expand that to the rest of the world as I know your site is used by non-UK residents too.

Point I'm hoping to make is I think we'd be made up of quality users rather than quantity

OP posts:

DogsAreNicerThanPeople · 22/04/2016 20:11

Count me in too

themorus · 22/04/2016 21:22

Hi, I've signed up to say yes please (was a member years ago but forgotten my password) I was lurking recently looking for advice on this subject. My husband was adopted we have children and lately his relationship with his adopted family has deteriorated. He says the older his children get the more he realises how much he missed out on growing up. I'm also struggling with the way his parents treat him/us. I looked on adoption board but most people commenting are adopters of children.

Original poster

Humsta · 22/04/2016 22:00

Hi themorus
It's a tough situation to be in, I think it's hard to marry your expectation of the relationship versus the reality of it. I know I haven't quite got there yet! Happy to chat about it if you want.

OP posts:

themorus · 22/04/2016 23:11

It is sad, I happened to mention how since being a mother I realised how much my parents did for me and how much I appreciate them despite differences we may have had. I understand them more. He said for him it was the complete opposite, he understands them less. The situation is complicated as his adoptive parents divorced acrimoniously when he was quite young, it is possible that is the issue, he said he can't understand how his father walked away, our son is the age he was then. He doesn't dwell on it says, 'whats the point?' But I just want to understand more, I used to have what I thought was a good relationship with his mum, but I find my views changing, as a mother she says/does stuff I find incomprehensible, that I hope I would never do to my children (obviously I don't know how my children will turn out but I can't imagine treating them differently for example)

Original poster

Humsta · 23/04/2016 08:04

I was so grateful to meet my biological mum and did in many ways find the reunion incredibly rewarding. However at 18 I didn't really understand how deeply affected I'd been by my whole preverbal experiences (this is where Primal Wound has been an enlightenment).

Back then she'd say to me 'oh I bet you hate me' and I'd deny it and say I understood that she had no support, was young (wanted to party...) mixed race children weren't acceptable etc.

As I got older I realised other people in her situation - parents of my friends, my DH's mum had been in the same situation and had had the dedication to keep their child...

If I'm honest, I thought that when I had children she'd bend over backwards to be in their life to make up for not being in mine. She is a loved nana and is in my children's lives, but it's often been me pro-actively arranging times and if I do the dreaded how long before she calls me test... We could be waiting a long time! I know the problem with a test like that is the other person doesn't know their being tested so it's unfair - but we all do it I think?

I have spoke to her about my feelings of disappointment but basically she said all the right things and nothing changed.

My DH has suggested that the part of her personality which let her give me up is the same part of her personality which still disappoints me now. Plus she didn't bring me up so there's none of the normal family comparisons with my children 'you did that at 4 etc'. Also I do have a half sister who she did bring up...who's been mollycoddled - just to add salt to the wound!

I did meet my biological father too but felt less of a need for him, we don't keep in touch to be honest.

I will say I have non-adopted friends (well they all are ) who think I get more support from my biological mum than they get from theirs so I probably expect too much - but it is what it is.

OP posts:

DesireAs · 23/04/2016 08:10

I'd be interested

bsmirched · 23/04/2016 08:27

I'd definitely be interested.

emilybohemia · 23/04/2016 08:30

Am interested. Another adult adoptee here.

ItotheRtotheL · 23/04/2016 08:33

Great idea. Btw annual adoption figures are in thousands, not hundreds. Past few years have been between 3 and 4 thousand children. Hth.

Original poster

Humsta · 23/04/2016 09:03

Thanks ItoRtotheL

OP posts:

themorus · 24/04/2016 14:52

Thanks for sharing your experience humsta it is interesting to read your and your husband's thoughts.

I think that what you said about experiences and ideas not marrying up could be said of many relationships. I felt a little like that with my own mother when the children first came along, she wasn't acting like the grandmother I was expecting her to be, it took me a while to realise it but now I just accept her as she is with them.

The trouble with MIL for me is that my opinion of her is deteriorating lately as well as dh's. I don't know whether it is a MIL thing, the fact that she is getting older or that she was an only child (we have had issues with dh and his sister, that she doesn't understand at all and I'm noticing differences in how she deals with my children) adoption, divorce, or just the way it is.

Would you recommend the Primal Wound? I have heard of it on here. I doubt my dh would read it but wondered if it might enlighten me a little? The down side I shall worry about though is whether I will over think how I brought up my own kids!!

Maybe I should be like dh and just never look back at stuff, we are fundamentally different in that respect.

Thanks, I hope mumsnet agrees to the new section for you x

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread