Why is AIBU allowed to continue?

[SylvieSmith]

As you may be aware I'm getting a very, very hard time for a post I made on the AIBU thread. I've reported a number of people who have responded to it to MNHQ for personal attacks and this was the reply I got:

"Hi SylvieSmith,

We're sorry you've been upset by the comments other posters have made - that's not what Mumsnet is about.

Posts in the Am I Being Unreasonable Topic do tend to be more robust and combative than those elsewhere on the boards. The very nature of the heading Am I Being Unreasonable does encourage posters to take sides, after all.

We don't generally delete threads, though, unless they're libellous or racist or otherwise break the law.

For that reason, we think it's best to leave it for now and let it disappear off the list of Active Conversations into merciful oblivion.

Mumsnet can be a great source of support and advice. Have a look in some of the other Topics and we're sure you'll see what we mean.

Best wishes

Rebecca
MNHQ"

If MN knows a lot of deeply unpleasant things are going on on AIBU why does it not just shut it down?

I also don't know how it can think that only deleting threads that are libellous, racist or break the law is an acceptable moderation policy. So is it ok for us to be telling each other to f* off? Calling each other terrible names?

MN feels like such an unfriendly place to be at times, surely MN is soon going to have a bit of a PR problem if it doesn't start stepping in when people are being attacked (it does, after all, say at the top of the AIBU that it doesn't "allow personal attacks". This is blatently not true).

They don't actually allow personal attacks-the few that I have reported have been removed and I once had one removed-I regretted pressing 'post' as soon as I sent it. You do need freedom of expression-there are quite a few people with 'sacred cows' and it does them good to be challenged IMO.

I didn't respond to the original-I started to read but it was long and involved. I thought it was irritating behaviour, but nothing more. I think that you have to allow for the fact that people don't agree.

Op I've read your thread and a few people were a bit rude but you dealt it out too. It's called "am I being unreasonable" you need to expect yes and no responses.

You might feel hard done by and I can see how it went wrong but I don't think you can use a talk board once, dislike what is said and then say it needs to be closed. I think its easily the most popular board on the website.

People were a bit scarky with you but I don't think anyone personally attacked you. There was a good explanation of what constitutes a personal attack by someone from mumsnet hq awhile back, maybe search through for it.

I think the reason a lot of people like MN is because you're treated like adults and noone is going to wade in if there's an argument and sort it out for you, you have to sort it yourself or agree to disagree.

If I were you I'd chalk your other thread and this one up to experience, name change and start over. Perhaps with a bit more willingness to say "hands up I was wrong". There's noone like a mumsnetter to pop your ego and that's a good thing. Shows you you can relax sometimes.

This post is meant to be helpful and cheery. I hope it comes across that way.

AIBU, though it can be entertaining, is a fight club. It says it isn't at the top, but really it often is. That's about the holy all of it. I haven't read your thread but there are lots of "unwritten rules" that can easily be contravened.. it sounds from above like you may have "dripfed" e.g. given information that was pertinent to the OP later on in the thread in an attempt to qualify your original position etc. The most basic rule of AIBU is that if you are told YABU you HAVE to accept it with some grace or you will get an absolute kicking.

Stay away from it if you feel any sort of investment in it at all. It's best for "fun" topics, but not a place for someone vulnerable to post.

MNHQ can be quite breath-takingly hypocritical sometimes. They deleted a post t'other day because a poster was getting a bit of a pasting for gloating about punching her husband (amongst other things). Yet they leave threads full of vile personal attacks and bullying because they class these as "robust".

I missed the thread referred to here can anyone direct?

It's here

mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1509390-in-thinking-DPs-familys-behaviour-towards-me-is-pretty-outrageous

Hope that works!

Hope you're okay op. Please read my posts as I stood up for you as did others. I pointed out fair enough to disagree but say why politely. There are some vile posters on the thread that were very rude and are still being horrible now. You couldn't do wrong for doing right. They were ganging up, bullying and couldn't wait to pounce on every last detail. If they were spoken to like that I'm sure there'd be a right carry on. Hope you don't leave but wouldn't blame you.

But isn't that the nature of AIBU? You are asking for an opinion. You get several. Some you don't like.

Pineapple I think it definitely is the most popular board, remember the AIBU shortcut button?

I honestly think MN would lose a lot of posters if they got rid of it, I know I would get bored pretty quick.

Thing is (and OP I haven't read your thread so this is not specifically about you) some people are self-pitying whinyarses who interpret even the kindest, gentlest suggestions to have a chat with their GP about possible depression as 'WWAAHHH BBAAAWWW everyone's being HOWWIBLE to me'. And some people are really quite manipulative about how sensitive and delicate they are ie everyone's supposed to know to tiptoe round them while they strop at other people.
It's actually a good thing to have a designated space for robustness on a site like this. No one goes into the Bereavement section to tell other posters they should be ashamed of themselves and work on keeping a stiff upper lip, for instance: that's a supportive section. AIBU is for discussion which may include disagreement.

Sylvie - I think you got quite a hard time on AIBU. (Although, if you take the cloth part and the comments about that, I found that bit pretty funny).

Where you've gone disasterously wrong is by posting in AIBU in the first place. I did that once, when I first came on MN and I was flayed alive - mainly because I did an AIBU about dogs. NEVER mess with the dog people.
Even when I said AIBU, they comments still came, pretty personal ones. I stopped reading in the end. I namechanged and have found good advice on other topics. Especially super furry animals.

I think your initial posting, had it been written 'correctly' ie by a 'trained Mnetter' and scourged of all references which sounded snobby, you may have had good advice. Unfortunately, as it was, the parts which sounded a little silly got grabbed on, and some of the attacks, I agree, felt too personal.

I hope you are ok.

And now the OP is gone.

Surprise surprise.

Yes, well, I don't like it when I don't win the lottery.

TouTou I think that's just it. You do need to be a trained MN to post on AIBU and not get ripped to shreds. Just the way it is. Like an initiation rite

Posting in AIBU is like entering the Roman arena as a gladiator - not to be attempted unless you are big, strong, well armed and enjoy a good fight.

If you need help and support - which you sound like you do - and would like to stay with MN, just namechange and post in Chat or Mental Health or pretty much anywhere else.

I expect most people have had a bad AIBU experience at some point.

What is wrong with being robust? It only reflects real life, we don't spend all our time being sweet and supportive in real life. We are real women, with real opinions, and we should have somewhere to express that.

In real life you spend your time being diplomatic, at least I do, so it is nice to have somewhere to say what you really think. People ought to read a few AIBU before they start one- there is no way I would use it myself!

Meh.

OP was rude and ignored what everyone said
People got "robust"
Attacks were deleted, it's just that MN didn't delete everyone who disagreed robustly with the OP.

Doesn't mean the topic needs to go.

As far as I can see people post in AIBU for 2 reasons, either you think you might BU and want some objective opinions or you are so convinced you are NBU that no one and nothing will convince you otherwise.

If you fall into the second group, it's never going to end well.

We don't all have the same view on life so it's unlikely there is going to be a YANBU from every single poster.

AIBU is all about different opinions, there are plenty of other helpful topics on mumsnet.

Most people only post because they think that right is on their side and they can't take the fact that people see it differently.
I am always impressed by those who read a few posts and say 'I can see I was unreasonable'-it is very rare!
It is also very rare to have everyone agree with OP-although it sometimes happens.
You need to start from the premise that 50% will disagree, some forcefully, and don't start if you can't take it.

I'm not sure that anything on a forum/messageboard can be a 'personal' attack as no-one actually knows you.

I don't think it's actually very healthy for people to have to tiptoe round idiots all the time. If someone is being stupid, selfish, bigoted or a drama llama, sometimes it's better all round for them to get a good online mugging, it might wake them up a bit.