Anyone read "They f*** you up" by Oliver James?

[scoobysnax]

Just wondered if anyone else has read this and if it changed your own take on being a parent?

No but it sounds funny! Do you recommend it?

I just finished this book, and I just can't help but think it is easy for him to come to all those conclusions while not having kids! I am so sure that my girls where born different, that it was not the way I acted towards them. For instance, my first daughter slept a lot and finally was diagnosed with failure to thrive, turned out I was not producing enough milk, she was not feeding enough, she was happy to starve! My second daughter nursed all the time, every two hours til 7 months, nothing I could do could get her not to nurse(no bottles, no solids nothing) The second one is just more demanding and that was apparent from birth! Oh I could write pages. Reading it made me feel really angry about my up bringing though because I really related to a lot of what he said, especially about relationships( I am the pattern 2 who wants to be "completly emotionally intimate with others!)And I was one of three under 3 with no father, bottle fed, scheduled etc! I can't wait to see what others thought!

Rhubarb - I am not sure what I make of this book!
It's definitely a pschology book rather than a kind of self -help manual IMO.

There is loads of stuff about how to work out why you are like you are based on your childhood - this goes into a lot of detail with exercises to do as well!

It made me feel less guilty about my bad points/ problem areas as the book says these are mainly due to how you were brought up...it doesn't advocate blaming your parents though (although this is easier said than done), just says that understanding the past is a powerful tool for moving forwards. I found the book not particularly helpful in how to move forwards, but maybe it takes a while for it all to come together.

There are some strong views that genetics play little part in how you turn out, and Oliver James conclusions on childcare will not be embraced by everyone.

I hoped the book would help me avoid f*ing up my own child's life but there didn't seem to be that much guidance - anyone else read this book?

August24 and I are dying to hear some more points of view!

I am so disapointed no one else has read this! Let's start a bookclub. First Book: They F* You Up by Oliver James, meet back here in two weeks to discuss!

Seriously though I just thought this book was very interesting though I do not agree with everything that he wrote(for example Japanese is one of the most well adjusted societies. Umm have you lived there Mr. James, because I have and would not agree!)

Anyways sick kids to care for...

I think it's quite heavy going, definitely like reading a text book - I struggled through bits whilst reading myself to sleep and feel like I ought to go back to re-read it.

The book has a definite viewpoint rather than a balanced view IMO.

Like august24, it did make me feel cross with my parents - I think it's hard not to if you go along with what the book says and think that it's substantially their fault you have the problems you have. On the other hand, the book doesn't advocate blame, and i suppose the other side of the coin is that you have your parent sto blame for a lot of the good things about yourself too...

Batters, I found that the time afforded to different parts of the book was very erratic in several places, not just about onlies! For instance it goes on at great length about schizophrenia, just trying to make his point that nurture not nature is what mainly counts. Why did you choose this book? I bought it after reading a quote on a course at work about "creativity training!!!"

Have you read his other book? I wonder if it is the same way. I agree about him writing a lot about one thing little about others. I don't agree with him, but find myself talking a lot about this book. I just think it is a very interesting read, and recomend it to others. I didn't do most of the "self help" assignments as I think my mother would freak out if I asked her some of the questions he proposes. I just do not even want to go there!

I haven't read his other book - what is it about?

I did a few of the exercises and found I could write down a fair bit about my childhood experiences, but found it harder to say how they affected me in the present.

I'm far too scared to ask my mum to participate in the exercises!!! I have discovered/ acknowledged that I was always scared of my mum and I still am - I'm not sure whether to confess that one to her....!!!! I think she would be suprised and very upset so I probably won't!!! The book doesn't seem to guide me as to whether OJ would say it was a good idea to bring this up!!

anyway I'm still too scared to mention it...

his other book is called something like Britian on the Couch. I may pick it up even though I am from the U.S. I just started Therapy this year, both couples and by myself and I feel like I am really into exploring who I am but I am not so sure I am ready to DEAL with who I am, iyswim! But I think this book just helps me to question my parenting skills and they way I was parented(is that a word?!) I am confident that I have done everything possible to give my daughters the best start in life(though not to sure how taking them away from their home to live in London is going to affect them!) But I wonder if my mother would say the same...

I think most parents try to do their best for their kids in the circumstances that exist, and after all that's all anyone can ask for. Being a parent myself has made me realise that there's no such thing as a perfect parent though...

I feel the same as you about exploring vs dealing with who I am!!! It seems to me that OJ has more to say on the first subject. However, as a result of what I have learnt, I have managed to make a plan for how and where to spend Christmas quite confidently instead of it being the nightmare of trying to please everyone and not knowing how to that it seemed to be last week!

I've read it & it was a revelation! I can't remember anything specific but he described my parents to a T. very hard to avoid making the same mistakes as a parent yourself.

Toxic Parents is also very good.

yeah! another person who read the book! I just can't wait for Oliver James to have his second child. Then he will write another book that says he was WRONG! I mean I totally agree that parents do have huge affect on their children but kids are wired differently. I thought I was the perfect mother until I had my second child, then I realized that my first daughter was just a very good baby who I could control and my second is the total opposite! And I did the same for both, family bed, breast fed, stayed at home. And they are so different from each other.

Like scoobysnax, I have been struggling to read it at night and invariably end up going to sleep. I will take it on holiday and see if I and get through it as I will have no distractions!

I have read bits of this book but found it heavy in places. Had fun trying to attach the personality disorders to people I know though.

I thought JAMIE OLIVER???? when I read the title to this thread

Alibubbles, I would be very interested to hear what you make of this book, with so much childcare experience and all the studying you have under your belt on child development!!!
Enjoy your holiday, and don't forget to pack the book!!!
Merry Christmas,
Scoobysnax

Anyone else read this one yet?!!!

Also, has anyone read Women Who Run with the Wolves?

Yeah, I've read it but got quite bored about half way through and gave up. And a bit impatient with it really since I can't change my parents' parenting and since it's all sorted by the time a child is 6 according to him it was a bit late to do anything better for ds who was already 6 when I read it! Dd wasn't yet born though. No, it hasn't changed anything I do - I think Steve Biddulph had more effect on me tbh.

I think I'm going dyslexic - I misread the title of this thread as ' Anyone read They F* you up by Jamie Oliver?'.

I haven't but was intrigued as to what possible cookery book could be titled this! And then reading the thread and realising it was a parenting book was even more intriguing!!!!

Isn't it a quote from a poem by Ted Hughes? Literatee please correct me. I think I'll just read the poem and pass on the text book. Enough of those on autism still to read!

i think it's from a philip larkin poem davros

Right SM! I knew I'd get the wrong famous poet!!

musica you're not alone... I have seen it in passing and read it as Jamie Oliver and thought he must be turning his hand to comedy writing now as I thought it couldn't be the title of a cookery book. Am now interested in reading the book as a result of this thread scoobysnax so OJ should credit some or at least one sale to you!