My night began as any other normal weekday night.
Come home, fix dinner, and play with the kids. I
then had the thought that would ring painfully in
my mind for the next few hours: Maybe I should
pull the wax out of the medicine cabinet. So I
headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It
was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a
clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips
together in your hand and then they get warm and
you peel them apart, press it to your leg (or
wherever else) and hair comes right off.
No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean I'm
no girly girl, but I am mechanically inclined
enough that I can figure it out. YA THINK!!!*
So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two
strips facing each other stuck together. Instead
of rubbing them together, I get out the hair dryer
and heat it to 1000 degrees. Cold wax my rear end
(Oh how this phrase haunts me!)
I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin
around it tight and pull. OK so it wasn't the best
feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!
Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-ra,
fighter of all wayward body hair and smooth skin
extraordinaire. With my next wax strip I move north.
After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the
bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting
championship. I drop my panties and place one foot
on the toilet. Using the same procedure I apply
the was strip across the right side of bikini
line, covering the right half of my v-g-na and
stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek
(Yes, it was a long strip). I inhale deeply and
brace myself. RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed
to pull off half of the strip. Crap!!! Another
deep breath and RRIIPP. Everything is swirly and
spotted. Do I hear crashing drums??? OK, back to
normal. I want to see my trophy - A wax covered
strip with my hairy pelt that has caused me so
much pain, sticking to it. I want to revel in the
glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold
up the strip! There's no hair on it.
Where is the hair? WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly I
ease my head down, foot still perched on the
toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on
the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. Crap. I run
my fingers over the most sensitive part of my
body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.
Then I make the next BIG
mistake...................remember my foot is
still propped up on the toilet. I know I need to
do something. So I put my foot down. Noo!!!!!!!! I
hear the slamming of the cell door. V-g-n- Sealed
shut. Butt?? Sealed shut. I penguin walk around
the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and
think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop.
My head may pop off.
Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the
hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get
in, immerse the wax covered bits and the wax
should melt and I can gently wipe it off right???
WRONG!!!!!!!
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter
than that used to torture prisoners of war or
sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the
only thing worse that having your nether
businesses glued together is having them glued
together and then glued to the bottom of the tub.
In scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't
melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub!!
God bless the man that convinced me I should have
a phone in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend thinking surely she's waxed
before and has some secret of how to get me
undone. It's a very good conversation starter "So,
my butt and who-ha are stuck to the bottom of the
tub!" There is a slight pause. She doesn't have a
secret trick but does try to hide the laughter
from me. She wants to know exactly where the
wax is located on bottom "Are we talking cheeks or hole or what?"
She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I
give her the rundown and she suggests I call the
number on the side of the box.
YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone
else's night. While we go through various
solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with
a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your
girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut,
stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry
shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain
is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and
I slip into glazed donut land. My friend is
still talking with me and my hand reaches towards
the saving grace.... the lotion they give you to
remove the excess wax. What do I really have to
lose at this point?
I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream
probably woke the kids, scared the dickens out of
my friend, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!"
I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and
she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder
of the wax and then notice to my grief and
despair..................................THE HAIR
IS STILLTHERE.......................ALL OF
IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. So I shaved it off.
Heck, I'm numb at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair coloring......