Parents' sexuality and adult children living at home

[HonestIntentions25]

Hello everyone, I'm a guy who has just returned to live with my mother after a training internship abroad. My father passed away a few years ago, my mother is 41 and now lives with her partner, who is 30.

Here's the situation: I happen to hear them being intimate. It's not just about the noise, it's a feeling that hits me right in the stomach. Anxiety rises, my heart beats fast, I feel deeply uncomfortable.

What troubles me most is the contrast with my memories. With my father I never saw a kiss, a caress, any affectionate gesture. To me my mother was simply "mom", a figure I never associated with sexuality at all. Now, instead, I discover her as a woman, passionate, with an active intimate life. It's as if she has suddenly become a different person and I struggle to accept it.

Then there's the guilt towards my father. I know it makes no rational sense, but every time I hear them I feel a visceral sensation, as if she were disrespecting his memory. It's irrational, I recognise that, but it's stronger than me.

On the other hand, I really like her partner, he's a decent person and I almost see him as a second father. This confuses me even more. And there's another fear: he's 30, she's 41, so another pregnancy is still possible. I'm an only child and the idea of a brother or sister frightens me. Sometimes, when I hear them, my mind goes there and anguish takes over.

I wanted to ask two things.

First: has anyone had a similar experience? How did you deal with it?

Second: are there any mothers on the forum who have a grown-up son living at home? How do you handle intimacy as a couple? Does it worry you? Have you ever talked openly with your son?

And also to partners or stepfathers: have any of you joined a family with a son who was already grown up? How did you manage the balance between your intimacy as a couple and the presence of the boy? Did you ever notice any discomfort or jealousy?

Sorry for the long post, but I needed to put my feelings in order. Thank you to anyone who will reply.

Good morning love,
I am a mum. I would suggest a conversation with your mum alone. I would like to think she is a good mum. All we want as mums is for our children to be happy, explain your fears and hopefully she can give you clarity. She may even be able to go somewhere else for intimacy... his house .... Hotel.... or just be quiet. I have a young child so I cant understand from your prospective but I am a mum and she would be hurt if you didn't tell her. I am sure you are grown up enough to speak to her. It might be a bit embarrassing but if she loves you it will be fine.
She wouldn't want you to feel uncomfortable in your own home. Let us know how you get on x

@Sunnyday410

Thank you, truly thank you. Your words touched me in a way I can't even explain. You can tell you're a mum with a big heart, one of those rare people who can listen to a person's soul, even a stranger on a forum. This thing is painful for me: I lost my father and every conversation with my mother feels like a mountain I have to climb without breath. But when I read your message I thought: "This is it, this is how I would have wanted to talk to my mother, without walls, without fear." I admire you so much, you're the kind of mum I hope I deserve and that maybe, one day, I'll be able to find in mine too. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. ❤

My darling, I do have a big heart and I am kind. All we ever want is kindness.
I am so sorry about your father's passing, I have unfortunately experienced a very similar situation, it is harder than anyone can imagine. I am proud of your mum for finding love. However her heart is you and her heart will belong to you. I really hope she listens and understands your fear. Home is the one place you should be able to breathe deep and relax.
My son will always have a room and a home with me and will always be my first priority. I am also divorced and my son has a step father who is incredibly we are lucky. However as I said my son comes first. I have always taught him to talk to me anytime. Sending a hug and I hope your mum is kind and understands your fears.
Also your feelings are your feelings they are allowed. Stay strong xx

@Sunnyday410

My mother is the most important person in my life. She is my anchor, my home, and we have always had a good relationship, even though we have never touched on certain topics. Today I just want her to be happy, and I know that maybe it's hard for her to keep control and she doesn't realise the walls are thin.

She confided in me that she and my father were already separated under the same roof, that he didn't make her happy, didn't touch her, didn't desire her. But he is a man who makes her smile, who desires her, who makes her feel alive. This is the life my father had extinguished in her and that has now returned.

We children never want to see our parents as sexual beings. But when you manage to, when you accept that your mother is a woman who makes love, who moans, who enjoys her man, then everything changes. That noise that embarrassed you becomes almost something beautiful. It becomes the proof that she is happy. And that man who takes her, who makes her feel complete, strangely stops being a stranger and becomes a father figure. Because whoever loves your mother like that, fully, in body and soul, deserves all my respect.

I am an only child and I always think that she could become pregnant again. It's a thought that obsesses me, perhaps it terrifies me. But maybe it's also an experience that, strangely, I would want to live. Maybe it would take away my anxiety, who knows.

Rather than talking about it directly and creating embarrassment, I'm thinking of fixing up the upstairs, a little attic for myself. That way I'll have my refuge and they'll have their privacy.

And now a sincere question to you mothers: if your son confided in you that he had heard you in an intimate moment, what would you say to him? How would you react?

I’m really sorry to hear about the passing of your father. A mother here and I am divorced and have a partner. If my daughter is in the house we do not have sex or we have very very quiet sex. Your mum may not know how much noise they are making but I do understand how traumatising it is for you - no one wants to think of their parents having sex let alone hear them. So I agree, you need to raise it with her as it’s making you feel very uncomfortable ( and rightly so). She needs to be considerate to you. They are still probably on the homey moon phase and gently need to be bright back to earth.

In answer to your question if my daughter spoke up me and told me she heard me having sex I would apologise, be embarrassed and be very very mindful with my behaviour.

@AnonAnonmystery

I'm reading that there are men who, consciously or unconsciously, want to 'be heard' or to display their physical and affectionate presence beside their partner, right in front of her adult children.

Sometimes they do it to mark their territory, to feel accepted and legitimised within the new family unit, to communicate: 'I'm here, I matter, your mother and I are together.' As if it were a dynamic of power and insecurity: by showing affection, even in the most intimate sphere, in a blatant way, they seek confirmation of their role. The problem is that they often don't realise how uncomfortable this can make the children feel, when what adult children actually need is space, boundaries, and, as you said, the ability not to have to think about certain aspects of their own mother's intimate life.

That sounds really weird. I haven’t heard of this. Maybe speak to your mother sooner rather than later as maybe it’s not that deep. But if it is l? I would find it a bit concerning and odd that her partner would need to “ mark his territory”. How old are you @HonestIntentions25 ?

Bit of a weird thread....

Strangely worded posts from OP.

This post was not written by anyone (particularly a man) under the age of 30. Math isn’t mathing. Creative writing.

so obviously made up the phrases and some of the working are very random

what 41 year old mother would tell her son who must be 20ish his farther didn’t desire or touch her

English is not my native language, which explains the phrasing. As for your assumptions, life exists outside your small, sheltered bubble.

Just because a situation exceeds your limited understanding of human relationships doesn't make it 'creative writing'. If you don't like my thread, simply move on instead of offending.

Buy some earplugs so you don’t need to hear them and then keep right out of their business.

It's not just the annoyance of hearing. It's the understanding and knowing that a sexual act is taking place. Earplugs don't erase that awareness.

Anyway, I spoke with my stepfather in September: he told me he'll help me renovate the attic. It's a single-floor space with a terrace, so as to improve everyone's privacy.