Husband disability-no sex.

[2026WhatNext]

Hi all,

As the title says my husband has a disability. He used to be crazy for sex, every day, twice a day if we could but since he was diagnosed and started medication he doesn't have the same sex drive and if we attempt sex he can't orgasm. We are both 40.
I don't know if it's peri menopause or losing weight (thanks monjaro) my sex drive has shot through the roof.
Anyone else here who has dealt with this?
Help.

He can't orgasm because of the disability or the medication?

My husband’s disability comes with a side order of significant brain damage. I’ve not been able to have a realistic discussion with him about sex. A few years ago now I actively sought out affairs (illicit encounters website,) and had a few casual meetings. I’ve ended up with a regular arrangement with a man in a similar situation who I knew locally who was on the same site. We both have distinct kinks and indulge one another. We are very close friends, but neither of us would leave our marriages. I would have preferred to be able to have a conversation with my husband about ethical non-monogamy, but it’s not possible. I may go to hell for it but I get to keep my sanity a bit longer.

You need to be a bit tough to do the casual thing. Be very selective.

The disability mainly but he won't talk to his doctors about it either. I think since he has lost his sex drive it just doesn't bother him.

You certainly won’t go to hell! You only have one life so needs to be fulfilling for both partners.

So low sex drive or no sex drive whatsoever. If he has a modicum of sex drive he can still be intimate with you. Can't he?
If he isn't willing to discuss the situation then he cannot be selfish enough to stop you from exploring your sexuality outside of the marriage. Although I know that some do put their foot down and then it's a matter of personal choice. End the relationship and move on or stay celibate for the rest of life.

If I’m not feeling up to it (which is very rare) but my partner wants pleasuring then I do my best to get in the space mentally and then very quickly I’m hard and ready and want to make sure she is pleasured even if I’m not feeling it 100%. I’d happily use toys or oral or whatever as long as she felt like she got what she needed. If you’re in need and he’s lost his drive I feel like he should make an effort to make you happy, otherwise seeking other sources doesn’t seem unreasonable. Everyone has needs

@2026WhatNext

Hi, firstly, I just want to say it's quite brave to throw this out there. I work in the NHS with a specific disability, and you would not be surprised to hear that a person's intimate life is NEVER discussed in relation to the disability in clinic, and similarly, there is little to no research on the effects of it on intimate relationships.

I have spoken to other clinicians in other areas that a condition or disability would affect intimacy in an even greater way, and again, there is very little discussed in clinic or research available in certain fields. I have seen, to their credit, a McMillan leaflet about it.

I would still advise him to speak to his GP or consultant about it. Sometimes it's the embarrassment of the situation; it is an important part of your relationship, and you need to explain that to him directly. Then he needs to address it or be honest with you about what it means for your intimate future.

If he is prepared to meet you halfway, there are lots of options to use equipment to potentially improve your situation, but he, like any sex issue on here, needs to be interested and willing. Hopefully this thread is the beginning of you both addressing it

@ToTabooForSome Thank you for your advise. I talked to him and asked if he would speak to his consultant about it at his next appointment. He said he will. He said he's embarrassed about it.

Good luck xx

@2026WhatNext That sounds like a great start, and well done for having the difficult conversation. I really hope now that your DP can follow through on his promise and that his consultant is understanding of how important an issue it is.

It is embarrassing, but it really shouldn't be, as most adults are having some form of sex and it is a huge part of relationships and adult life, yet it is so much neglected by the medical professions, and we all need to work to improve that.

Very best of luck to you both.