Frustrating sex

[ArthurLee]

We've been together for almost 20 years. I was quite inexperienced when we met, didn't know what I liked and often faked it or performed pleasure for him. As we've got older I've unlearned those bad habits. Actually having sex is good now, we use toys and both enjoy it. BUT foreplay is so crap. He goes straight to playing with my boobs and nipples or sticking his hand in my pants. There's nothing sensual and no build up to anything. He's also recently started talking dirty but it doesn't turn me on at all unless I'm already in the mood as its always quite focused on him.

The last 2 times this has gone of for 45-60 mins! So in all this time he's be fondling me, I've been stroking and playing with him and then he announces that he's getting close and I haven't felt anything pleasurable yet. Its so infuriating and I feel like my inexperience when we first met is against me here as I dont know what good foreplay is...i just know this isn't it! I personally don't love kissing but really need some tips and advice please so I can guide him better and learn more about what i like 🙏

This might seem like a trivial and silly question, but this is where it starts - Have you talked to him about it at all? If so, what did he say?

I (m59) am learning, all too slowly, to pay attention to my partner. I would recommend him (and you!) alexey welsh's youtube channel. Very direct about anatomy/what he should be doing, but also very focused on connection and not at all sleazy.

This is the right answer.....

Go tantric

If you don’t know what you want, you can hardly expect your DH to know! First, you need to explore what you’d like. Second, you need to communicate more to him, and less on MN.

I will but haven't yet because I dont know what to say. I don't want to tell him what hes doing doesn't turn me on without being able to tell him what does.

This is so helpful, thank you. I will have a look

We have spoken a bit, as then issue arises but its not very useful as Im not sure what I need from him so the conversation stops short of being helpful

Same here^ when you go to work all day and then come home in the evening it is hard to figure out what is going on in DWs head. Retirement has changed the picture completely as we are together-ish 24/7. Listen to what DW or DH wants and hope it is you!

Intimacy isn't just about sex.......

Hugging
Holding hands
Sharing smiles
Linking Arms
Sofa moments
Head on shoulder
Hand written notes
Text messages
Hand in the small of the back
A squeeze of the upper arm
Stroking partners hair
Laying your head on their chest
Brushing hair
Foot massage whilst on sofa
Sharing food
Dancing together
Sharing a song
A walk in te park or forest or beach
Laughing together
Cooking together
Reading together
Watching a movie
Listening to music together
Spooning without sexual touch
And of course Deep conversations.

All this helps when you want to satisfy your partner intimately because there is always a feeling of being desired. As for sexual touch, take the time out to find out each others areas on the body that give pleasure.
Try Monica's 1-7 diagram :)