My husbands behaviour recently has become concerning. I feel pressured and he doesn’t seem to understand what the problem is.
He knows I need physical touch that doesn’t lead to sex to feel close to him. He sometimes does that and in return It feels easier to be intimate with him. But most of the time he just kisses me on the day he wants sex which makes me feel used.
Today he text me while I was ordering food for my mum who had come round to see me and the kids. I had been up to my husband who was hiding out in the bedroom and as I left I gave him a quick kiss. Not long after he sent lots of messages saying hey, Oi, are you there. I replied and said yes and he said I need you to come upstairs. I asked why and he said “to sort me out” I asked what he meant and he said either a hand job or a bj because he was too horny and he needed relief.
I felt pretty disgusted because I was literally sat talking to my mum and playing with the kids.
I said no. So he sent me a link about how it’s in the best interest of a relationship to be intimate even when you don’t want to be because assisting a husband with his physical needs when not aroused is an act of proactive generosity. It fosters emotional security, reduces stress, and prevents the buildup of resentment or mismatched desire.
I was so shocked and disgusted I didn’t message back.
Another red flags was that he started to buy me things. When I asked why he said because I deserved it, etc. Then one day he said “you’ve been getting a lot of things off me recently you could make it up to me by giving me a bj”. I said no and If he’d have told me that there were strings attached to the gifts I never would have accepted them. He said he was “half joking”. He tried his luck again a few weeks later and I said half joking still isn’t ok. He apologised but then added if I gave him a BJ 3-4 times a week it wouldn’t be a problem. This is in addition to our sex life.
He also started to come home and instead of going straight upstairs to his man cave like he normally would, he start following me round the house. Just hovering, not helping, just lurking. Then I’d put our youngest in the bath and he’d say come on we have time. Or if they were eating he said you could get in your knees and I’d be done in a minute. If I said no he would just keep insisting or he’d start whimpering saying he “needed it”.
I don’t know how we talk about this anymore. I was trying to make the effort to have sex once a week, which at times because of life, kids and breastfeeding I didn’t even want to do that. I’m exhausted and even once a week just felt like another chore. When he talks and acts like this I have even less desire to be intimate and then when we finally are intimate it’s playing on my mind.
is there a way to explain this to him where he actually gets it?