Feeling guilty about wanting sex and exploring after my partner died

[GraciousOther]

Not sure if this is considered ‘widow’s fire’ but I do feel guilty for it. My partner passed away 14 months ago. He was an amazing dad and husband and we’re only in our early 40s so it was a complete shock for all of us. The past month my libido has came back bigger than it has in years and I have wanted to try exploring like sort of in the swinger scene but as a single mum, it seems both daunting and difficult as I can’t imagine getting opportunities or where I would start. Am I wrong to want this?

No I don't think you are wrong at all in listening to your libido.

What is perhaps a little more of an unusual feature here is to be looking to satisfy it in the swingers scene. That seems a bit more than dipping your toe back in the water!

Yeah that’s true haha. I think that part is more just a fantasy of joining a couple that are in love rather than the whole party scene

Completely understand following your libido and as @KateSixer said, going straight to the swinger scene seems extreme, unless that’s what you did previously. Are you trying to throw yourself into the deep end? Maybe OLD and making your intentions clear when you get to know more about potential partners?

Zero to One Hundred straight away?
Try a middle 50 to start off with.

You know you.
….. from experience;
set up a fabswingers profile.
Hide it.
Browse the meets pages and look for “swingers socials meets” in your area.
These are strictly social, usually in a pub etc.
It’s your chance to chat.

After that, you may decide that’s enough, or something else.
No need to “dive straight in” so to speak.

Take care

when it’s right you will know and it will be great to feel some good fucking - feel alive .
do your best - find what works and trust your Instincts

I can understand the wanting casual, feeling-to-fragile-for-actual-romance-after-loss. I did the illicit encounters thing. Surprising how many irl people I knew on there! Being able to cope with an actual relationship will come in time.

I agree i would be jumping too far i to the deep end if I went to swinging straight away. I think that’s mire of a fantasy.

I lost my husband and the love of my life when I was 36. After being completely bereft for the first year or so I had a mad sexual wobble and joined Internet groups.etc. I soon realised it was not what I really wanted or needed I was just desperately looking for connection without commitment - some form of temporary widows fire madness in my case :-) i look back now and think "gosh what was it thinking!"

Thanks so much for sharing your own story. Do you mind if I ask how are you now?

All good now. The 'fire' only lasted about 3 months. I realised I just wanted to feel loved again as I still wanted my husband. I resigned myself to the fact I would never be with another man so wasn't remotely interested in looking. Then 2 years ago a chap came allong out of the blue and we have been very happy so far. The fire came back o cebi met him and I have very much enjoyed making up for lost time lol

That’s very sweet, I’m glad it worked out for the both of you. I do like the idea of joining a couple, but equally it would just be nice to meet someone relaxed

At the end of the day you do what's right for you babes and don't let anyone tell you the right or wrong way to live ur life. You are surviving a shit situation and I found everyone had a bloody opinion on the right and wrong way to do it. Balls to them all was what I ultimately said I I did as I pleased x

Could it be that you're considering swinging because you have needs that have not been addressed in some time, but don't feel ready for a relationship yet? That would seem completely normal and reasonable to me.

I don't know the swinging scene, but wouldn't be surprised if men vastly outnumbered women (if that's what you're looking for). Of course, there is the usual limitation that the odds for a woman seeking men will likely be good but some of the goods could be odd.

I would suggest finding another woman or women who are experienced in the lifestyle. Ask them to introduce you to YY or YY-Y before going to a swingers event. They will or sh.e will probably know someone who can also introduce you to XY-Y. Perhaps they can escort you and talk you through your first event.

I lost my husband 8 years ago and that fire still has not gone out..I too would love to go to a sex club. I’ve had one night stand since and although I enjoyed it a lot at the time it wasn’t long before I was looking back at it thinking actually it gave me a quick thrill but didn’t really leave me satisfied and it wasn’t really anything I couldn’t do myself. At times I’m gagging for it but I come back to the fact it’s a thrill and I will still be unsatisfied.

If you’re looking for something fulfilling then I dare say a one-off encounter will leave you frustrated and confused in the long term. Treaf carefully.

Ok, I really do know how you feel - well, not about losing such a long term partner, I got divorced. But my boyfriend died early last year and by the autumn I really wanted to have sex again. I was still grieving very deeply at that point! I had a couple of encounters - not completely one offs, I met both the men a couple of times - and did kind of surprise myself with how easy it was, and how comfortable I was with it just being sex, no feelings, say goodbye. Certainly wasn't frustrated or confused 😊

I'd been to swingers clubs with my late boyfriend and I contacted someone we'd met there - have been to clubs a few more times with him now, and he's also become a regular (but not very frequent) FWB. And I've met a couple more men since who are settling into that role as well.

I didn't want a relationship, and I know I'm not remotely ready for one, but I'm having some excellent sex and I feel like it's a really nice gentle way to get used to even the idea of other people again. I recently spent the night with one man - it's taken me several months to feel it would be ok to wake up in the morning next to someone who wasn't my late boyfriend. I have had some counselling, and I think I'm much better at being open and straightforward about asking for what I need.

If you want to pm me to talk more, I'd be happy to do that.

There's a difference between scratching an itch and sexual connection. A sex club may not suit if one off sexual encounters leave you unsatisfied. Connecting with someone sexually is different.

OP, l’m sorry that life has thrown some nasty hard rocks at you and wish you well. Depending on past experiences though, l do wonder if perhaps you are planning to dive in the deep end too soon.

ls there a reason why you might be seeking a couple? Do you think that is the way you are “wired” (poor wording, but l can’t think of a better way of putting it) or is it a safety issue, where you would feel more comfortable with another woman about?

When it comes to meeting people, I’m old school and still prefer joining things and socialising first. But l concede that is less likely to work in looking for a couple.