Struggling to relax sexually with a new partner after passive ex

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In my last relationship I always took the lead and usually was up on top for long periods, to orgasm i basically fantasise scenarios in my head to get there. My previous partner was quite passive, didn’t instigate sex, and struggled with rhythm on top or behind so I have become used to being the leader and also have amazing leg strength now tbh😂 but I don’t think I’m naturally dominant. My imaginary fantasies were always of someone dominating me

Last partner was good at oral, this took quite a long time to get right, but he wouldn’t ever allow me to give him oral. My waning attraction to him was in part why we ended a while ago.

I have been seeing a guy a little while and we have had sex a number of times. In context we became slowly emotionally involved through a friendship a number of months before we even kissed, so the sexual tension by the time we finally got together was an intense slow build but I can’t find the release. We cannot keep our hands off each other. I find him very attractive almost overwhelmingly so. Sex is very passionate and intense with a lot of kissing and I am very turned on.

New partner is less passive and more dominant, which I like but I am all over the place. I struggle to stay in the moment because I had become so used to fantasising. I keep trying to take control to go on top but then he’s trying to take control of me. When he goes down on me I just can’t get over the edge. It’s not his technique. I feel like I’m falling in love with him/each other so during sex all my feelings and emotions are completely overwhelming me.

He keeps asking me what I like and to show him, and I feel like I just I don’t know. He’s so patient and just keeps trying new things and it’s really fun. But I am now in my own head that he’s worried he’s the issue, and I don’t want him to think that. I’ve explained it’s me and we can just keep trying, then I think if I confess my feelings for him maybe this would help but makes me more tense at the idea of doing that. I cannot relax

I have read online to take it back to basics and just lie together and not kiss, not have PIV and explore and try to relax. Is this the best plan?

1, Tell him you want to go on top, tell him to relax and watch. You can then sit on his cock and masturbate for him and orgasm for him. This should break any inhibitions.
2, Ask him to spoon and slow fuck from behind. This gives you the opportunity to relax into it and will help him get rhythm, if you put your hand on his hip and control it. Also gives you an opportunity to touch yourself.
Either way you will need to get out of your mind, if these thoughts continue they may become a mental block. Remember sex is a two way street. You want your turn at being dominant too.

I keep trying to take control to go on top but then he’s trying to take control of me.

You are in a new scenario, give it time you are not going to adjust to the new straight away. Keep talking about what you both like to do. I am sure you will find common ground maybe buy a book or watch some naughty films together.😄

Or to simplify it, say tonight l am the one doing the driving. Just get in the passenger seat.

I have come back to the thread as we are still struggling with sex unfortunately.

He is on a new medication which sometimes affects his erections and sex drive.

I have a lot of stress in my personal life not related to my partner but it affects me obviously. I am trying to deal with this

We have done dressing up, toys, anticipation, different kinds of touches, lubes, all kinds of different things not much is off limit! We are adventurous

It’s not him or his technique at all, because even alone, with toys or without, I am really struggling to orgasm. I get aroused, and I get right to the point of orgasm and I’m enjoying it but cannot get over the edge. Sometimes I think I’m over stimulating myself but it’s my brain, it just cannot stay focused in the moment of the sensations and start to stress I can’t get over the edge, so I don’t.

He tries to wait for me, this can then affect his erection as it is taking a while. I’ve noticed we are having less sex generally too now

We have such a good relationship, I find him so attractive, we get on so well, he’s lovely to me, this is so upsetting to think we might not be sexually compatible and I am worried about how to get this on track

any ideas?

Try edging each other for a week. But TBH sex doesn't work without the mind completely in the moment. If your mind is going to different places when DTD it'll never work.

It feels to me like you’re trying too hard. Toys, dressing up, different positions, just let all that go for now. Take PIV off the table and take it back to just kissing and touching each other. You don’t need all the bells and whistles, imaginary scenarios and role playing etc while you’re getting to know each other. That’s certainly helpful once the shine has worn off, but it seems like you say, you’re over stimulated and can’t focus on the feelings.

I know, thanks

On reflection I think this has got worse over a long period of time. I am on HRT and I did ask about libido months ago before this partner, and got fobbed off, so I am going to push a bit harder for a testosterone blood test. It’s like my orgasms have just vanished, also I don’t get any anticipation excitement even when I am DIY or trying to fantasise (this has been gone for ages) so I wonder if it’s hormonal?

I do think I am over stimulating as well, but I know my body really well and it’s like all the usual suspect areas have just disappeared. There are a few that usually take 2 minutes!

It’s awful and I am really upset about it. My poor partner has tried so hard and is so understanding but he feels bad when I don’t finish like he’s being selfish

I have been DIY’ing and getting frustrated but today I contacted my GP, ordered some maca root and I’m going to try to focus on some sensual DIY to get myself back into my own body alone. If I can’t even do it myself my DP has no chance. I’ve got a mindfulness plan about how to stay in the moment

I’ve managed it a couple of times, once was his hands, once was my hands during PIV and a few times with a bullet but usually I have a high drive and am always up for it!

I think when you've become used to a certain way it can take time to be able to come differently. I've got a fairly new partner and sometimes orgasms come easily, sometimes I just can't quite get there - this morning he was going down on me and it just kept building/plateauing/building on repeat until I didn't know what to do with myself 🤣 sometimes with my last long term partner I would watch porn for thirty seconds while he was doing whatever, just to switch off my brain so my body would let me come. This morning we just swapped to something else more collaborative and all was good.

It's very easy to get in your head thinking "why aren't I doing this???"

Op you may need a different location, a few days away?

Or go out for dinner close to home when yo have finished your last course go the bathroom and remove your knickers hand these to him as you leave the restaurant and await the action.

Yeah going away does help. When we are at home it’s easy to get distracted into other things and end up too tired by the end of the night, or wake up too late to do anything in the morning. Also we end up in a weird situation sometimes, when we are at home together for a longer weekend we tend to fill it with activities, which leaves less time for sex, or we are on a short deadline with not much time and this puts pressure on feeling like we must do it. He gets up so early this doesn’t help

One of the issues we seem to have is that we talk too much! This sounds so weird but we get into long conversations, sometimes these are just silly and funny and messing about but we do seem to enjoy each others company in this way a lot and I find these cuddle conversations as the time we are closest and most intimate

I also realised something today, I think I am trying too hard to be not boring and this is leading me to be chaotic and performative and he isn’t looking for porn type sex, he doesn’t see me this way he wants connection sex. I think I’ve been getting this wrong and I need to create connection sex, not performative sex! I am going to try different things out in this way