Shame is killing my libido and means I can’t tell DH what I want

[User3936493947]

Long story short: shame and resultant lack of confidence mean I can’t allow myself to enjoy sex. Been with DH for 20+ years and when it happens it’s good but I can’t talk about it with him before or afterwards, can’t tell him what I want and can’t even make eye contact during foreplay.

Managed to offload both kids (9 and 12, both ND in different ways) for an overlapping period of 1.5 hours this afternoon so obviously we took the opportunity. It’s been months: general middle aged knackeredness is definitely a factor but the main reason is that I just can’t bring myself to give in to it.

DH is incredibly understanding, keen to please and very competent when I will let him near me but I was reflecting this afternoon that I can’t even look him in the eye during, never mind have the kind of fun, playful sex loving couples seem to have on telly.

I think it’s bound up in the incredibly mixed messages I got as a teenager and young adult - Cosmo and More telling me that modern women went out and got what they wanted in the sack while the rest of society telling me that Nice Girls didn’t do that sort of thing.

I’d love even to be able to tell DH what I do/don’t want without wanting to die inside.

Can anyone recommend a book or something that I could read to try to work through some of this stuff?

I can't suggest books but do suggest that you try to make a "game" out of the situation.
Outside of the bedroom, suggest that you both write down your want, not-wants, fantasies etc. One to one piece of paper so you will have a bundle of bits of paper (use different coloured pens for you and him).
Agree rules - no shame, no embarrassment, no mickey taking or teasing.

Then in the bedroom make a game of drawing the bits of paper out of. bowl, one at a time. Discuss each one, perhaps try doing whatever is on it. Explain why you or he doesn't want or like something.
Look for common areas.

Obviously you'll need time away from the kids to do this but it might be worth it.

Unfortunately this is not something that I could do at this stage. We often find it more helpful to have difficult, potentially sensitive conversations over text but at the moment I couldn’t text this kind of thing, never mind commit to paper.

You need a psychosexual therapist to unpack this with you. There may be a service via your GP but it’s probably a long waiting list so it might be worth thinking about whether you could afford it privately.

This resonates as shame is a massive issue for me. I'm in therapy for other reasons but it all overlaps and I'm thinking about braving bringing this up. I feel embarrassed and silly being sexual and realise that my upbringing has been a huge factor in contributing towards this. No advice but I get it! Ask Chat GTP perhaps?

Embarrassed and silly is exactly right. If DH wants to talk afterwards just to say how much he enjoyed it I want to curl up and due.

Oh yes same. If I was actually able to relax and let go, I'd then be mortified if he were to comment on it afterwards i.e that it was great seeing me getting into it. It would make me never want to do it again! I find it hard to switch between every day civilised, professional, mum etc into 'sexual'

Are you attracted to him OP?

I'd be wary of using AI for advice. It doesn't have feelings and never had sex. The clue is in the name Artificial intelligence.
It seems obvious that there is a suppression of your true feelings because of past programming and conditioning.
All of which needs unpicking through self enquiry guided by a competent professional. A psycho sexual somatic therapist may be ideal. However you would need to discuss it with your OH. Which would mean revealing your mind set regarding sex. How do you feel about approaching him?

I think so much is dependant on upbringing. My mum was the one that friends turned to when they could not discuss things with their own parents. Sister and l were never taught that “naice” girls don’t. But we were told that is something isn’t making you feel nice, stop doing it. I also went on to do some life modelling for art classes which helped body confidence. I’m relaxed up who sees me naked, that is unless they are a pervy peeping tom!

Obviously l don’t know your full circumstances OP, but you have given yourself a challenge. If you swim, it’s like diving off that top diving board to discuss your needs. Take it slowly but try and open up a little bit at a time.

Do you drink? I’m not suggesting you get sloshed, drunk sex is usually not good sex, but a little drop can lower inhibitions.

Good luck, communicate about what makes you feel nice and keep those eyes open! x

@User3936493947 , if you find it difficult to communicate it verbally, maybe a good start would be to do one of those couple's fantasies' quizzes. It's basically a list of all kinds of sex-related questions, what you like, dislike, want, hate, wish for... And the answers you can give are 'no', 'willing to try if my partner wants to', 'yes', along those lines. Basically, you both fill it out, and it compares your answers. If either of you answered 'no' to anything, it doesn't even come up in your results, it will show things you are both interested in.

I would always vote for healthy communication, talking things openly, but if that is the exact thing you struggle with, it could be a start - no need to talk, you can do it in your bedroom while he is doing it in the study, not even at the same time, etc.

The clue is in the name Artificial intelligence.

AI is just a computer programme written by a human who has told it what they think it should do and answer, it does not think for itself

There's no such thing as "Nice Girls" and you can like whatever you want. (T&Cs apply.)

Talk to a sex therapist. (Look up COSRT.) The reason they exist is to help people navigate things like this.
Don't bother talking to a GP - NHS waiting lists are far too long and there are other people who will justifiably be a higher priority. Yes, it'll cost money, but IIRC half a dozen sessions will probably cost something like £300-£500 - not trivial for many of us, but you're investing that in your future and your family. (It's cheaper than a weekend in Benidorm and better value for money.)

Have you tried one of those online questionnaires where both halves of the couple fill it in separately and discretely and then see what your matches are (or at least what you might like to try and he’d be open to)? Weshouldtryit is one that springs to mind, but I’ve no doubt that there are others.