Starting again in my 40s after a relationship without intimacy

[LuckyLauren]

Early 40s. Last relationship ended as it had basically become a friendship.

My ex initially suffered from ED then his libido completely went.

Is anyone starting afresh after a similar situation?
How did you start to meet people again?
Did this effect your confidence?

I think you have to find a way to get your own confidence, no one else can give it to you. And actually dating and putting yourself out there is a sure fire way to get it knocked out of you.

My marriage lacked intimacy and I've just hit 40 and am still hoping I might find someone 3 years later. All you can do is go out more, hobbies, positively push yourself into social situations like drinks with groups.

Agree with PP that dating again after so long can be a bit brutal. Can be amazing but not always.

My was different but I was in a sexless marriage for many years. Complicated reasons behind that but, anyway, I was severely lacking in confidence emerging from that situation and dating randoms was not the way forward for me.

For me, it took finding someone with whom I had a really genuine and real connection with (on every level). This happened with someone I knew well and who came into my life again after a long time. Anxieties flew out of the window as the connection was raw, real and extremely mutual. Trust was there early on and I was totally relaxed. Never been happier.

Thanks for your reply. I do feel confident in myself but the entire way people meet/date has changed.

Thanks for your reply. I feel the same way.

I have been considering a one night stand situation just to basically get me back in the saddle as such. I think this may be a big confidence booster.

Then I think no, this is insane.

A close friend suggested phone sexting but I'm not sure how that would work for me.

Has anyone just gone straight into dating sites/meeting people? Do you tell them your situation or is it too much?

@LuckyLauren , Trying to get laid on a deliberate ONS usually end badly, if posts on MN are to be accepted. What put me off taking that route was one lady said she felt grubby for the next 3 days.

Similar situation here. Early 40s, only really ever had one sexual partner before so it's all a bit daunting now.
I'm not against a ONS (to make up for lost time!), but it would have to be with someone I got along with first and not just randomer on a night out.
With everyone glued to their phones nowadays, it feels so much harder to meet people.

Always go for chemistry and spark whether ONS or FWB. It's much more exciting that way. I've had friendly sex and it's just that. "friendly" is more transactional than passionate.
You need to feel that you've been well and truly fucked when you leave in the morning :)

I went for very casual or FWBs to start with in a similar situation. Personally it hugely boosted my confidence and it was fun. The guys I’ve dated have consistently made me feel much better about myself than my ex did. I do generally meet someone just for coffee / drinks before sleeping with them (or at least set that as the expectation).

I know there are all sorts of scammers and time wasters on online dating but the guys I have met seem genuine and I liked most of them, even if I didn’t want a relationship.

I’ve had some frustrating periods with it but it basically works for me because I’m not expecting to find a soulmate but to have a good time for the moment and I mostly let ghosting and other bad behaviour wash over me and just move on quickly. Plus I’m upfront about what I’m looking for.

OLD can dent your confidence if you get too invested in someone over chat or too invested in someone who only wants something casual when you want more. You can have rules for yourself to limit that like not chatting to people for weeks before meeting. I have consistently found guys who want to talk a lot without arranging a date to be bad news.

People always suggest meeting through hobbies etc. Which is fine if you can. But it wouldn’t be realistic for me to attend these sorts of groups as a single parent with limited childcare; I doubt I’d find anyone single whom I was attracted to and I like the fact that the guys I date are disconnected from my social circle.