Is it too late?

[snoopydoopydo]

DH and I have been together forever. Sex has been an issue for many years and there has been no sex at all for around 5 years. It's mainly my fault, my libido disappeared and we got out of the habit. We also went through a very rocky stage, where the marriage almost ended. DH has also had issues with maintaining an erection and we just stopped trying. The thing is, other than that, we have a really good relationship, we get on really well, enjoy traveling together and spending time with each other. There is just no intimacy, only chaste kisses to greet each other etc.
I'd love to have a full relationship with DH, but worry that we are so far into best mate mode, it would seem weird. I'd not blame him for not wanting to be intimate with me after sex has been such a minefield in the past. I know I should be saying this to him, not strangers on the internet, but I'd welcome some suggestions and opinions on this.

Do you have to go from zero to full on straight away? Maybe build up gradually and let your sex life redevelop naturally, perhaps starting with a lingering kiss when you greet each other. Going too fast is likely to create pressure that trigger erection issues again.

Building up sounds like the way forward. I guess I'm a bit scared of rejection, which is ironic as thats how he must have felt for years.

You've hit your own nail on the head - the only person who can tell you if it's too late is your DH. You've obviously decided you'd like to reignite the relationship, but you both need to be on board.
If he's lost hope, he might be persuaded, possibly with external help. Look up COSRT. Then explore whether it's right for him. Just be prepared to learn that you together-ship has sailed, and if you do choose to open the can of worms, it might be worse or better than you realised.

The only person who can answer that is your husband.

FWIW - I was your husband in my previous LTR - long time together, no sex for years, living as housemates - exactly as you described, I eventually left and have met someone new and am happier now. I’m not saying he is going to leave you- but is could happen

the things I would suggest would be a quite frank conversation about how you feel ( not in bed) , no blame games , maybe admitting some things might have been your issues, maybe suggesting he sees a DR about ED ( Ed can be red flag for other health issues) maybe a PSA and internal check depending on age and go from there

if he still has the desire to have sex with you ( his choice not yours), there are plenty of meds available over the. Counter to help with the anxiety of having to perform

also try being more “ forward”, holding hands, touching him ( arms, back, bum ), cuddling in bed - make it known that you are physically present in the relationship

If he as previously suffered from ED , he might be just as anxious as you about performance anxiety- so just click your fingers and expect him to be able to get an erection just like that

Considering any possible ED is putting the cart before the horse. If there's no intimacy, OP can't know whether her DH can get an erection. With the current info, it's entirely possible he's been successfully getting an erection and dealing with it on his own every day for the last 5yrs.

Maybe - maybe not - you are just as I am speculating - it might be the case the he still wants to have sex - just not with the OP any more - only he will know

However in the original post the OP says he was struggling to get/ keep an erection and things just stopped- this might be lack of desire or something else- all avenues need to explored before you can jump to conclusions

BUT I would say that you are 100% wrong in your conclusion- he ( the man ) needs to be happy the he can at least get some kind of erection before intimacy can be thought about ( from his side as it takes 2 to tango and he needs to be happy in his own mind)

If you are interested I have two blog articles that may be of interest to you:
Unequal Libido in Relationships: Understanding Desire Differences and Compassionate Ways to Reconnect
&
Embracing Pleasure for Pleasure's Sake: A 2026 Guide to Mindful Intimacy

These articles can help you right now. They normalise the struggle with intimacy and mismatched desire so you stop feeling broken or hopeless. They reduce shame and performance pressure, which are often the biggest barriers to reconnecting. They give you practical, compassionate tools instead of generic advice, and they help you and your partner work on this together as a team.
I suggest reading them first yourself, then sharing with your partner when the timing feels right. Small, pressure free steps often create the biggest progress.

Thank you so much for this, I shall have a read a bit later.

Next time you kiss, linger a little longer. Almost imperceptibly at first. A tiny bit longer each time. A little softer in the lips, a tiny bit more parted.

Start going back for second kisses. Make flirting eye contact with him after the first, touch the nape of his neck with your hand, and lean in again.

You get the idea. Seduce him! But take it very slowly. Make him believe it. He will have put up many guards over the years. He will have forced himself to stop wanting you, as a self defence mechanism. To win him back, you must make him believe again.

OR

Just tell him what you've told us: that you want a full relationship, that you understand why he no longer tries anything, but that you have realised you want more, that you want to try again... that you want HIM. Maybe suggest sex therapy?