No intimacy for 15 years

[NoRelease]

Hi. I am a 60 year old married man who's always had an active love life but my wife and I haven't been intimate for fifteen years now. I miss it terribly. She seems to have lost all of her libido. When we used to try, all those years ago, we would inevitably have to stop as she would find it painful. She says that her v**a has become extremely tight and nothing will go in, least of all me.

My sex life has been non-existent for fifteen years apart from 'DIY' alone when she's out.

I've asked her about going to the doctor to see what's wrong and the answer is always "there's nothing they can do" (without actually going to the doctor's to find out, so it's clear she has little desire to resolve this). She says she loves me and understands how frustrating it must be for me, and her suggestions that we can 'be intimate in other ways' - basically her being next to me whilst I do it myself, which just isn't satisfying at all as I feel like some kind of perv - especially as she shows no enthusiasm for what's happening. Her laying next to me and smiling is not what works for me at all. That's not a sex life. I feel awful.

She has flatly refused to consider any scenario where I get my sexual desires fulfilled elsewhere and I really don't want us to part because of it as I love her and she's my soulmate.

I feel like there's no way out for me. Maybe there's something I can take to kill my libido so I'm not feeling so frustrated and alone.

I always expected that sex would eventually stop as we aged, I just never imagined that it would end at 45. I know there's nothing I can do - other than cheat on her and I'm not doing that under any circumstances.

Sorry for the impossible question... I just need to write it down to see if anything anyone can say might make me feel less trapped. 😪

Sorry , that’s unacceptable at 45. She has no right. I understand you love her. I’d have given it a couple / five years then left or had an affair.

I'm sorry to hear of your predicament. I think you have three options....

Leave and find a real fulfilling relationship. The one you're in isn't!!

Have an affair even though it goes against your morals

Buy a flashlight and use it regularly.

You are unfulfilled in the marriage. 45 is way too young for your sex life to end and it sounds like you have become increasingly frustrated.

It’s up to what you do. As above, what others have said, or accept it.

PS. You’re living, and have lived, as friends. That’s it!

A flashlight?

He's looking for some illumination but that's ridiculous!

Aww @NoRelease wotcha gonna do?

The wife who does not do anything to support your sexuality and desires that are needed to be fulfilled is one of selfishness and depression.
You are at fault here .
15 yrs and not a single assisted wank, blowjob or something where you two share some form of sexual intimacy other than the removal of penis in vagina sex which is her menopausal issue here ??????

She has two other holes, hand , breasts and feet.
A whole world of sexual fun still for the taking .

I don’t feel bad for you . I don’t .
You allowed this . You allowed her to not be intimate .

You love your wife .
But now at age 60 you allowed exceptional excuses to rape your remaining years of sex away from yourself .

She either starts to make efforts to please you and be intimate or you are living the rest of your life in a non physical relationship.

Your call.

Is she actually attracted to you?

Ok, Mr Spaghetti, I think I can do without your idea of help thanks.

Ok, will keep quiet.

I’m not a Mr either.

When my wife's libido declined she suggested she actively engage me when I self pleasure. She greatly enjoyed watching and talking and massaging. Much better than nothing at all. She never says no and usually says "wow" after. I enjoy it.

Unfortunately it’s black and white - you either stay and accept that sex is off the table or you leave and meet other women. Cheating can’t be excused in this situation.

I reckon this is the answer and should be talked about much more. If a relationship truly goes the distance, sex will hit issues like this and will eventually end (because you'll both be very old). You adapt so it continues.

Living with someone going through menopause isn't the greatest but it's better then actually having menopause.

What I describe is actually quite satisfying especially for those of use who enjoy tantalizing conversation while acting on that conversation. The mind is a great sex organ.

15 years and no intimacy - your wife has got exactly what she wants - the security of marriage- but without having to have sex.
as said above you have 4 options really

continue to put up with it
ask for an open relationship
have an affair
get a divorce

none are particularly good- maybe pick the least worst 🤷🏼‍♂️

72 year old guy here. My story and is almost identical to the OP's.

My wife's health wasn't great in her 30s, her libido faded and eventually disappeared and never returned. We discussed this on several occasions, but there was no solution. In the end I just had to accept the situation.

Apart from the lack of sex, our relationship has always been good. I considered looking to meet my needs elsewhere and I even developed a close relationship with someone else on-line. We met a couple of times, but although she was up for it and had had a couple of affairs previously, because her needs weren't being met by her husband, I bailed out before it developed into a sexual relationship. This was because of my own strong moral code which is that having an affair is not acceptable under any circumstances. Nor could I see myself being able to try to find a fuck-buddy, even if it was acceptable to my wife. Mentally, I don't think I could cope with that. So in the end it was a choice between divorce or just putting up with it and I chose the latter.

We haven't slept together for many years, partly because I apparently snore like a saw mill and keep my wife awake, so it suits me for us to sleep separately. I guess a life-saver has been the availability of on-line porn and I masturbate on most days to relive the frustration. It's far from ideal, but I've grown to accept it.

I don't know whether or not my wife is aware that I'm managing with DIY. It's never been mentioned.

I've been a reader of Mumsnet for many years and have seen this problem aired many times where one partner's libido has disappeared, much to the frustration of the other, and it seems to boil down to each case having to find its own acceptable solution.

It's easy for people to say that it's unfair on the frustrated partner and that the other should accommodate their needs, but if your libido goes, and if there is also a health element that may be partially responsible, you have to make a choice about what you're prepared to live with. It's not easy, but in the end I can't see any other solution.

But surely one human being doesn't have the right to deny another human being the possibility of living a fulfilling life.
Even if it is through health issues or otherwise.

Maybe a bit embarrassing, but discuss how you feel with your GP. They may be able to help the way you feel; some SSRIs can suppress libido and help with mood. Another thing you can do is get yourself really fit, which will give you focus, improve your mental and general health, and boost your self-confidence.

There is a book, The Dead Bedroom Fix, aimed at men. It's about fixing you rather than trying to change your partner (which you can't ). It reveals what a sexless marriage can do to a man, without it being part of the nanosphere worth a look or listen (is on Audible)

For me its been maybe five years, Im sixty and its sad to think I may have had my last proper "sex".

If you had lost your libido, and actually found it distressing to engage in any sexual activity, you have the right not to be forced. Surely, that's what consent is all about.

I may be distressed that I'm not continuing to live the fulfilling life of intimacy that I enjoyed earlier in our relationship and my wife may be distressed that she's lost her libido, but despite talking this through, it's a situation that I have to accept, or leave the relationship. That is something I won't do.

So, it’s his fault?

Great take on it. 🙄