ED

[PIPNIK14]

Feeling upset this morning.
Been with my partner 4.5 months. He is 8years older than me (he’s 51.)
we are only having sex every other weekend due to have kids on the other weekends. My sex drive is higher than his.
we have had some good sex but only last a few mins and it will go floppy.
I’ve tried to be really understanding about it and not out the pressure on. I suggested we try the blue pills a couple of weeks ago, he laughed and found it funny so I thought he would have got some for this weekend, but no.
so last night we did a couple other things and then it wouldn’t go up. He did say “what is wrong with it, it’s broken”. I then stopped because I don’t know what to do and I’d been trying for ages.
I then asked him if it was me and he said no, I asked if he still found me attractive and he said of course, then we went to sleep.
I am home now and nothings been mentioned, I don’t think he likes to talk about stuff so I don’t know how to approach it and tell him I’m upset.

Bin. You're already starting to question yourself and that is not healthy. Seriously, it'll eat your self esteem away.

At the moment he’s feeling embarrassed/in adequate. He needs to be able to talk to you about it. If he can’t then you have another problem.

M here and this is a bit personal but I went though a period of ED for about a year. It was horrible, I felt like an absolute failure and inadequate. I tried lots of things and eventually things got back to normal but that period was one of my lowest.

he needs to talk, be made to feel it’s not an issue (even if it is) as for me it was all psychological. The harder I tried the softer it became it world seem

A lot of effort for 4.5 months in. I’m shocked he thinks his penis is something you can fix.

Thanks for replies.
2 weeks ago I had a light hearted conversation about us using some blue pills, he laughed and I thought he would order some but this weekend he’s clearly not.
we only have every other weekend together to be intimate. When he didn’t make a move last night I said it’s been 2 weeks, he said he’s gone 5 years since us!
we have spoken today and I’ve told him I’m really upset about last night and how it’s been affecting me over the past couple weeks. He has apologised and said he needs to make more of an effort.

I am tempted to get some pills and say I got these for us…. But is that wrong?
we are staying in a hotel for the first time in 2 weeks. I’m already anxious

He doesn’t talk much. I asked th question how did he think everything was and he said yeah thought it was all going well… he didn’t realsie I was upset.

one thing for me is we have spoken about blue pills before, why wouldn’t he just order some to try? I don’t understand, as I’d want to do anything I could to please my partner

Sorry but from your posts I really don’t think you realise how ED can deeply and badly affect a man. It can be extremely emotionally complex. Your comment of why wouldn’t he order some blue pills to try shows that you don’t understand that this in itself is quite a big step for a man to take. There are lots and lots of threads on here which you can look up and read to educate yourself about it.

This is a new relationship but you need to handle this more sensitively if you want this relationship to last. I was a bit shocked by a PP “bin him” comment. ED can be successfully overcome with love and largely by taking the pressure right off. You are doing the opposite by for example asking him if he finds you attractive.

Yes, of course he does need to realise that for him to sustain the relationship that there is a problem and he need to investigate it and take steps to address it. But you are being a bit heavy handed. You buying pills for him would be absolutely the wrong move - he needs to take this step himself.

I think you do have a communication problem in your relationship. I agree with the PP that said he needs to talk to you about it. However, I don’t think you have started off on the right foot here and you need to handle it is a more positive and encouraging way. If you can’t do that or don’t want to be more patient then he isn’t the man for you.

OP has been seeing this guy 4.5 months, not 4.5 years. He should be rocking her world at this stage. And if getting blue pills is/was the answer and he thought anything of her he would be getting himself sorted out without prompting from OP.
The OP is already questioning her attractiveness after a few months, what happens after a year, two years? Her MH will be on the floor. This is turning out to be a project for OP to sort out a grown man.
I'd cut your losses OP and move on. This isn't going to get any better. And FYI for those that don't know Taking blue pills is fine but without desire they DO NOT work.

What position are you doing? Some are better in terms of gravity for keeping blood where it needs to be (eg missionary)

As for blue pills I find them useful as a source of confidence.building. if youve taken one then it helps you think you're going to stay hard.

Pink lady is right, read her post again if you haven’t already.

if you like this guy then you are going to need to be patient. The blue pill isn’t a magic cure. Half of this will be what is in his head, maybe all of it. You need to communicate.

for the people who say ditch him, that will mentally scar him.

I think it’s more concerning that he is not making a positive effort to resolve this at 51 it’s not uncommon to experience some degree of ED I don’t understand his reluctance especially when Viagra can be purchased on line I would want to be able to pleasure my partner to the maximum if that mean you need a little help so be it , it no different the you experience vaginal dryness and not doing anything about it

Erections are a purely chemical reaction, which is why viagra works. However, they are affected by emotions and anxiety in a very negative way like a pack of cards and can be very hard to build up and collapse instantly.

If you have been working up for 2 weeks and he has been anxiously fretting about performing for two weeks, you are going to be in two different places,

Sounds like the purely manual things aren't working. Over the preceding week to two try romancing / courting and teasing him. Are you physical with him, hand on the thigh, neck kisses, etc Get him in the same place as you are, work him up to a state that he can't wait for it. If it disappears then, then he's got an issue and he needs to work on it. With or without you. Up to you whether you want to give him the emotional support.
Has he had a bad experience with a previous partner? Is he an anxious person generally?

If OP decides to end the relationship that is entirely her right. No one is obligated to remain in a relationship because ending it might "scar" the other person.

At 51 and with those symptoms he needs to go to the DR for PSA and internal check to make sure this is nothing serious for his own sake

then he probably needs to move on to the low dose daily medications

@PIPNIK14 I obviously can’t speculate as to why he won’t take the pills, I know when it happened to me I was embarrassed. Deeply embarrassed that I might need pills to help me ‘be a man’. Male egos are fragile and stupid, but it’s hard to escape feeling inadequate. Men never talk about it, but we should.

I had bloods done, physical exams and nothing could explain it. It was all in my head. I did take blue pills, they worked but then my stupid head created another problem altogether- I couldn’t finish. And then I had horrid headaches.

my DP helped me through, was very patient but I know she went through a patch of assuming it was her. As I say, a really hard (awful pun potential here) period of my life that I’m now sharing with a load of strangers online

Thank you everyone.
i have spoken to him about how u feel. I am very touchy feely but he is not and now its put me off to try because he doesn’t really make an effort. He has said he needs to make more effort.

I have been very patient with him, not putting pressure on but made a few little cheeky comments to see how he would react.

Im not going to bin him as I’m not ready to give up at the moment but I must admit it’s making me feel very insecure.

we are going away next weekend for the first time and I’m already feeling anxious, he’s booked a hotel. I was going to order some pills to take and say I got these for us but then don’t want to put him off…. So don’t know what to do

You cannot really order the ED meds if they are not for you as you don’t know what else he might be on
as cringy as it might sound- you would better off both of you going to a boots or similar and getting some meds over the counter

There’s two sides to this - one will have a positive outside and the other one not so positive unfortunately.

he will only get better if he WANTS to get better. If he does, then there are lots of options , if he doesn’t then nothing will improve, the sex, his ability to get an erection and ultimately your relationship will all go south.

For those saying ‘just get some Viagra ‘ - it isn’t that easy and straight forward, also Viagra will typically only work for around 60% of men with ED.

i had ED in my early 30’s and it destroyed me. As a young , fit man, I felt inadequate, less of a man, depressed and my partner at the time game me no support, cheated on me and the relationship ended.

I wasn’t prepared to go for the rest of my life with no sex life. For the two years that I battled with ED, I lost size ( over 2’ due to atrophy) - if your partner doesn’t get NTE ( night time erections ) then he will likely also lost size , something which most men are oblivious to.

Viagra worked for me for a time, but it gave me terrible headaches and dizziness. The effects then wore off after 6 months or so. I found Cialis better ( generic name is tadalafil and is much cheaper ) - I would recommend a 5mg daily dose which he takes each morning as it lasts up to 36 hours.

cock rings are also good for keeping the blood in the penis, but he needs to be able to get an erevtion in the first place for these to work. A urologist will do a Doppler to test the blood flow in and out of the penis.

i also tried a vacuum pump and injections, but both required preparation and weren’t ‘sexy’ .

At 36 I got an implant, which is the last resort , it’s terminal and once implanted a man will never get a natural erection again. It changed my life , but it changed my life because I wanted to change my life.

it doesn’t sound like your DP is anywhere near this extreme stage yet, but if his issue is physical and not psychological then it will almost certainly get to this point at some stage in the next couple of years.

However, if he is burying his head under the carpet and doesn’t want to get help or see it as an issue then your options as a partner are limited unfortunately.

if this was a 10 year relationship and his ED has gradually gotten worse then I’d say without hesitation to support him and encourage him to get the help he clearly needs.

However, at 4.5 months I’d suggest if he thinks it will improve on its own and does nothing about it then walk away - you can’t help someone who doesn’t want help.