Changed username for privacy.
Let's get the usual checklist out of the way: Married, we are happy, in our 40s, we have 3 kids. Been together for 20+ years, we are a team. We talk about problems, struggles, emotions, communication is great. Sex drive is aligned for the most part, I could always take some more, but nothing major. She doesn't withold sex, and she enjoys what we do, has orgasms, usually 2, happy days. According to her, she likes the way I look, this is important, you will see why, loves me as a partner in and out of bed.
So here is something I just can't wrap my head around. When we are at home together, when I have work from home days, I get excited for the possibility to have sex without having to be cautious, silent etc in case the kids wake up. When they are all in school and it is just her and me, to me it's a no-brainer to have some fun together. Not her. It's not that she is not in the mood, I would understand that. But never ever during the day can we do it. Obviously we talked about this before, and all she can say to me is that it feels like it's an affair if we do it during the day. So that means not even when we go away the two of us to a long weekend or something. She just can't. And I am getting anxious about this, because I feel like we are wasting otherwise amazing opportunities to be together, as I said, with three kids it's always complete darkness, and sh-sh-sh, no loud sounds. I am visual, I love seeing her, it would be so good. I even asked if she doesn't find me visually attractive, or any other reason she wouldn't want to hurt me with, but there is nothing. Nothing other than "it feels wrong like an affair". Like we met up because the kids and our spouses are at school/work. It is just so silly to me.
Pretty sure it has something to do with our past. When we fell in love we were both still in a relationship that were ending, and as we did, we always met up when our exes were at some class. This was back when we were students, we were 18. I know, cheating is bad, we would never do it past that time we were kids, but again, we were just dumb kids who didn't know how to properly end a dead relationship. It was not easy, learned a lot, but jesus it was a lifetime ago. So naturally it is clear that it's because of this but come on, we are in our 40s, that should not influence our lives this much. She says it might be because of that, might not, but it is just how she feels.
Naturally I don't make her do things she doesn't want but this is driving me crazy. It could be so nice to just lie in bed for once, not having to immediately get up and clean up, etc. Also wouldn't mind seeing things and not having to hold each others' mouths to drown out moans.
Can anyone relate to this? do you have any suggestions?
Thanks!
(Will not comment probably as reverting back to my original username)