Six months postpartum and anxious about sex after episiotomy and tearing

[TeamOcean1995]

Me and my husband still haven't had sex 6 months postpartum. We didn't have sex in the third trimester either so I'd say we've probably not had sex in around 11 or 12 months. The main thing putting me off is I'm scared of the pain as I had an episiotomy and bad tearing during labour and its taken me months to feel more normal down there - sometimes it does still ache down there too especially when I'm on my period. On top of this I'm just so tired all of the time, my husband works longs hours and is out of the house 6am and back at around 6pm, he has college 2 nights a week and is also doing a lot of renovating on our new house to get it ready for us to move in so weekends are always busy with that. I just feel like there's never a right time but my main concern is the pain. Please can anyone make me feel better about this and give me some advice!

I had a third degree tear with my DD so a lot of stitches. Were you advised to sit in warm salty water to help the stitches heal? I did that for weeks afterwards and that really helped. Have you looked at your stitches with a mirror? I did to reassure myself that they were properly healed.

I was also scared to have sex but it was fine. Be careful the first time, nothing wild!

Make sure you have contraception organised before having sex.

I had 4th degree tearing and plenty of stitches.

Take it slow and use lube. Lower the expectations of having sex and instead just try to get to different stages of sex. For example, kissing and touching each other the first time, penetration the next time, brief gentle fucking the next, and keep building up to the full main event as you’re comfortable with. Let him touch your genitals. See how that feels and if you’re comfortable with that. If it hurts, stop. Make sure he understands beforehand that if you stay stop he really does have to stop immediately.

Next time maybe try to get to penetration. You might not get to actual sex yet. Try to be relaxed and turned on, and use lube. Ask him to enter gently and slowly. I think this part took a few minutes the first time for me and DH. If it hurts, stop. It might feel uncomfortable because nerves have been cut and are trying to heal, there will be some scar tissue and that scar tissue hasn’t been stretched yet, and your vagina has been through a rough experience. I definitely felt physically uncomfortable for a few months with different nerve sensations down there but not pain.

You might need to try different positions to find the most comfortable one. For me doggy position was very uncomfortable for about two years. We’d try it every so often to see if it felt good again for me and stop when it didn’t. I’d had a fistula (hole) between my vaginal wall and rectum that had to be stitched up. Doggy position meant that the scar was rubbed really badly by DH’s penis. One day it finally felt good again.

Anyway, make sure your DH doesn’t think that you’ll be up for sudden penetration and him banging your brains out with hard fast fucking. We worked up to getting back to normal sex. Thrusting felt weird at first and was a bit uncomfortable even with DH going gently and slowly. We got there after repeated attempts, going slowly and allowing my body to continue healing. It honestly took about 12 months before sex felt mostly normal again for me. Something like doggy position took about 2-3 years.

I hope that it goes well for you.

First of all, use loads of lube! And you need to be in control of the pace and angle.

I had an episiotomy, and found sex uncomfortable after my first baby. We’d have sex, I wouldn’t like it, and we wouldn’t do it for a few months. Then we’d do it again, it would be uncomfortable, and we’d not do it for a few months. On repeat. I got some very unhelpful advice from my GP (I kid you not): drink a G&T. Great advice. Especially for a teetotaller. 👍

After my second baby, I had a different strategy. I knew that I needed to get used to the friction, and that the on again, off again cycle after my first baby didn’t break me in (I can’t think of a less crude expression to use—sorry). I kept ending back at square one. So when baby 2 was 7 months old, we went away on holiday and I told DH that we needed to have sex every day. We did, I got used to it by the end of the week, and it worked much better than what I tried after baby 1. For me, it was a matter of getting used to it again and pushing myself through the discomfort and out the other side.

It sucks, I know. And the NHS is not very helpful (in my personal experience) with this particular women’s health issue. If men experienced this, I seriously doubt that the medical advice would be to drink a G&T (eye roll).

I had an hours worth of stitches after a bad tear with my first baby, back in the day, you used to get a physical check up at 6 weeks. There was no way that was going to happen, so I put that off until 8 weeks, when at that time DH and I did try and have sex, it was ok, although it was more for my DH than I, as I couldn’t relax and to be honest, it did take a while for me to enjoy sex again and stop worrying about whether there would be pain. After 6 months you should be physically ready.

I had an episiotomy/ forceps. We didn't try until I was six months post partum. The first time it hurt and we stopped but some of that was probably nerves and not relaxing on my part. We tried again and it didn't hurt but didn't feel good either. I didn't really start enjoying sex again until I stopped breastfeeding at twelve months so it might have been hormonal too.