In a sexless marriage and don't think I can remain celibate for the rest of my life. What are my options?

[bedroomdespair]

I'm in my late 40s and I've been getting frustrated for a while with the lack of sex in my marriage. My husband has gained quite a bit of weight over the last few years, and this has affected his ability to perform in the bedroom. He has erectile dysfunction in other words. He hasn't shown any interest in doing anything about it. I have raised my concerns about it but it inevitably falls on deaf ears. His weight gain has also made me feel less attracted to him than I was before.

We get on well otherwise, but I've been pondering if I can continue being in a sexless marriage indefinitely. I have never had an affair or cheated, but I've started having thoughts about what I should do if the situation doesn't change. I have to confess that I have started having thoughts about having sex with other men. This would have been unthinkable to me until recently, but I've started thinking about it due to how desperate I'm becoming. What are people’s thoughts?

Once you cheat, you can never undo that @bedroomdespair . If you don't get what you need from your marriage, the clean option is to call it a day, exit with your dignity intact, and then you can live any way you want, have sex with partners without anyone sneaking around, or anyone getting hurt. If your husband is not interested to improve things, if not for himself, his health, but then for the sake of your marriage, I think it is a clear path. Communicate this to him clearly, that it is not something you would wish, but if things stay as they are, you'll have no choice but to exit a disfunctional marriage. "We otherwise get on well" is great, but your marriage is lacking, so it needs to be fixed, he needs to make an effort.. If it is not possible then he made the choice for you, really. Don't become a cheater...

Hi I'm going to come at you from the other angle. 11 years ago my ex wife had an affair, partly because I was the same as your husband. I had put on a huge amount of weight and did struggle with things.

The hurt from the affair was hard but I accept my part in why it happened, I also know that nobody will lose weight and confront the issues until they want to regardless of any pressure put on them.

Please don't cheat, keep trying to talk to him.

I have now lost 11 stone and am engaged to a lovely woman.

From what I’ve seen this topic has come up a fair bit recently on this forum. I’ve experienced it a bit and it can be so frustrating for either partner.

First thing I can’t see you’ve touched on is whether you’ve discussed this with him. Is he conscious of how it’s affecting you and/or made any suggestions?

Affair is not the answer, you could try getting him to the Dr's in case there are any other health issues.
But ultimately if he disagrees then you have no option but to split and find new pastures.

Good luck.

Agree with above. You have to have an open and honest conversation about sex with your DH.
If you can't do that, you might as well have an open and honest conversation with him about divorce.
If you cheat on him, you're going to have to have at least one of those conversations when he finds out.
Having been on both sides of the fence (sleeping with someone who was in a sexless marriage and subsequently being in one myself) dealing with it before the shit hits the fan is by far the better option.
Good luck!

Cheating will inevitably come out, followed either by trying to patch up the damaged relationship or leaving. A serious discussion about how the lack of sex is affecting you and what might help change it is surely preferable as a starting point. If nothing comes of that, then a decision on staying or going is needed as this seems to be clearly not one of those relationships that will survive without sex

I have an arrangement with a lady in a sexless marriage. There is a different set of circumstances to yours and won't say because it's outing.

Having said that my advice would be to end the marriage, be single and have all the sex you want.

Have all the sex you want ... or maybe still none of it, none of the security and benefits of being in a couple, all the challenges, ugliness, animosity and blame that potentially come with dovorce, and maybe even an unhealthy dose of loneliness. Oh ... did I mention none of the sex you want?
The grass is always greener and there's shit in every field.

Whatever!

I'm not picking a fight. Just saying that getting out of a sexless marriage isn't automatically a route to happiness and loads of satisfying sex. The above experience is my own and anyone thinking of getting a divorce would be wise to think about the pros and cons.

100% this ^^ you will lose the safety net of marriage and quite possibly your home as well

another approach might to express to your husband how much you miss intimacy in your relationship and what can the 2 of you do to resolve that

I'm going to disagree.

Staying in a sexless marriage because it has other benefits is not the route to happiness, it is more likely to result in a route to resentment.

OP has discussed it with OH and it fell on deaf ears. Her DH is overweight (he knows this) He has ED (he knows this) He's obviously unfit (he knows this) and if it's psycholgical he would know that too. SO if he loves his wife and he wants a successful relationship and marriage then HE would get his arse down the doctors and sort himself out.
Jeez, why is it that she has to do everything. Have the conversation, get him to the doctors. FFS he's an adult. He's either in the marriage 100% or not. IMO he's not!!

All I would say is that I would rather be on my own than with the wrong partner. And a partner who is not willing to look after themselves (cutting our time in life together shorter), even at the cost of me not being attracted to them, and at the cost of not having sex together is not the right partner to have. If I would like to have a sex life, I'd like intimacy and my partner is not willing to do anything to make it happen for us, that is NOT a partnership, not a functioning one, at least. Sexless marriage is fine, as long as both parties are ok with the sexlessness of it. This is clearly not the case. To put it in simple, mathematic terms: Sexless marriage is guaranteed unhappiness. A single life on the other hand might not guarantee happiness, but it has a potential of turning out better, at least.

I would say that unhappiness and resentment eat away at a relationship - and when they come to the surface, as they will, you'll be 3 years, 5 years, 10 years older, less attractive, with fewer years of potential happiness left in your life

If you can see no prospect of your relationship improving then be proactive in improving your chances of having a happy and fulfilled life. It will be miserable initially but you will feel better about yourself and you have the chance of finding someone right for you.

There's no place as lonely as a home with the wrong partner

Open Marriage: What do have to lose by sitting down and have an honest conversation either you agree to an open but discreet relationship or we divorce.
Remaining the same at 40 is not an option

Unhappiness and resentment - yes, absolutely agree - that's the worst case scenario. But start with a mindset of "can we fix this together?" Can you understand each other's needs and can you each care enough to make enough effort to make your partner happy.
If you can't, then yes, you owe it to your partner and yourself (and possibly your kids?) to get out while you're still young and beautiful. (T&C apply. The value of your beauty can go up as well as down. Your skintone may be at risk if you do not keep up moisturising. Never read the comments.)

Whether it's lonelier to be alone in a marriage or lonely on your own ... from my experience, I'd say it's not necessarily so black and white.

The infinite, constant, perpetual and endless mental turmoil and oscillating of sex starved spouses around the world, summarised in a single thread.