Is sex that important?

[Rainbowbeginings]

I’ve been with my husband for 13 years and married for 10. I’m really struggling with my attraction towards him for the past couple of years and am often fantasising about sex with other people. Is there anyway back from this? I genuinely have so much love for him as my husband and father of our children but sex is just not something I want with him anymore.
I can’t even bring the subject up because how do you even begin to tell someone you don’t fancy them and have no attraction to them anymore.

The typical toxic mumsnet response would be: 'leave him. You're not compatible. Join us at the unnecessarily singles table. Your misery is our delicacy'

If you love the man, find ways to bring back that initial flame. What has changed over the years? Could you start going to the gym together or doing some outdoor activity, even gardening? Perhaps a romantic weekend away? Perhaps pinpoint what you don't find attractive anymore and try communicate those things in a respectful way? Obviously things come with aging (like wrinkles) are only natural and if they become an issue, that's a you problem!

It sounds like sex is important to you but not with your DH. Sex maybe important to your husband. Has he mentioned something about the lack of sex. Do you turn him down?

I don’t fancy mine anymore either op. 14 years together. No physical attraction so idea of sex gives me the ick. I’m 37, he’s 45. I have no solution but will follow for advice.

I have no advice I hope someone else does. I’ve been with my partner 6 years and I always want sex with him, I find him really attractive and being well endowed is a bonus 😅

Its horrible isn’t it and then I think will it matter so much in 10 years when I’m nearly 50!

Sex is important to us both but it’s hard when I’m not feeling any attraction to him.

What happened for the attraction to wane?

For everyone who is acting like this is ok. How horrible for your partners

Why is he no longer attractive to you? You don’t have to tell us, but work it out for you. Have a good look at your naked self in a mirror. Personally any ripped young Adonis would probably run a mile, and I’d be intimidated and uncomfortable. I want to have sex with my warm, familiar dependable person who knows his way around my body with his eyes closed.

I still love my husband, but brain injury has changed his personality, I’m repulsed by the bodily fluids I have to help with, and his attitude to me and sex has become infantile. There is no coming back from that and he’s not in a position to discuss it. I just get my needs, physical and emotional, met elsewhere and do my best to treat my husband with dignity and respect.

Why don’t you find him attractive anymore?
has he changed physically?
has he become a worse husband?

if this was a man posting the same thread there would be uproar but you are allowed to not fancy your partner if something has changed to make you feel that way.

How does he feel about it?

Are you both happy not having sex/being intimate?

if you still have a sex drive, but don’t want sex with you husband, and if he still wants sex then at least one of you will look to get it elsewhere at some point….

Also to add my partner had put on about 2 stone since we met, I’m still very much attracted to him. He does so much thoughtful stuff for me and when I’ve been sick he’s never tried to initiate sex and waited for me to come to him when ready. I think it stays alive for us as there’s lots of non sexual cuddles and kisses through the day.

I am sorry you have this situation @Rainbowbeginings . It must be hard. But let me ask you - why is there no attraction. Did your husband change that much in terms of looks?

@exhaustDAD he hasn’t changed too much, just a bit of weight gain and loosing some hair but we all age and understand that. I am questioning if I’ve ever truly fancied him at all. 😩

Well if the change is not significant compared to how he used to be when you were younger, then it's a bit of a specific issue altogether. You are the only person to answer the question. Have you fancied him ever? Were you attracted to him in the beginning? Or was it something that you were "ok" with. There is a significant difference

I definitely thought he was attractive but we’ve never set the world on fire with our sex life that’s for sure. Marriage and babies happened quite quickly too and since the kids it just feels like everything has changed for me.

I hear you @Rainbowbeginings . One thing that is important to consider - above you said "... then I think will it matter so much in 10 years when I’m nearly 50!" That is an awful lot of time to be missing out on a fulfilling sex life, I think. People who are near 50 still enjoy pleasure and intimacy, expecting yourself to care about it less by virtue of aging I think is wishful thinking...
When you say "..sex is just not something I want with him anymore" - it is important to get to the bottom of what you actually mean by that. Is that about sex in general? That it's not something you want, or something you'd but with someone else, but not him? It is important to understand that aspect in yourself. I have a vague idea, but would be interested to see what you'd say...

@Rainbowbeginings i am 48 and have a very active sex life with my partner. It’s at least 3 times a week, long sex sessions on weekend mornings and every day on holiday. You forget when you become peri menopausal you get as horny as hell. It is important. Do you think you could try and go on dates with your partner and have a cut off time for discussing boring mundane stuff about chores ect? Even have a date night at home and rebuild intimacy. I am guessing as kids and family life came quickly you did not have time to fully build strong intimacy foundation so maybe you need to invest in that. Do you kiss , hug, hold hands. One thing that builds intimacy is every night my partner will massage my legs and neck. It doesn’t always need to sex but it’s physical touch and taking care of each other. I know it’s hard when you have a young family though. But try and work on it a last time and have a talk with him so you art on the same page and hopefully put both put in the effort x

Thanks for all the advice,it’s definitely food for thought. I am going to try and have some non sexual contact as I feel like I’ve held back on that as I worry it will lead to sex. I need to know I’ve tied before making any rash decisions.

It will matter when you're 50 and hopefully way beyond maybe more so because you may well have to make it through the perimenopause sex surge! I don't understand why people assume that sex stops for most people once they get into their 50's- It's just not true.

Probably, unless you've had all the sex you want to in this lifetime, and he's feeling exactly the same. If not, then yes, it will matter very much.

My sexless marriage descended into bitterness, resentment, emotional abandonment and divorce
the lack of sex needs to be talked about - no blame game - and rather than passively ending the marriage you should both engage with the issue to address the problem together