Wife loses interest after orgasms if I don't finish quickly

[StillLearningDad]

My wife and I are both mid-40s. Throughout our relationship I've been lucky enough to be able to give her orgasms through PIV most times, and I used to be able to time things so that I would orgasm soon after she'd had two or three.

As I get older, I'm a bit slower. These days after 10 or 15 minutes she's had her orgasms but sometimes (maybe one-third of occasions) I'm not close yet. I can tell that she really loses interest. Sometimes she'll try to keep going for a bit, but it feels weird if she's just mainly waiting and hoping I'll finish. I had hoped she might feel like helping me finish via HJ or BJ, and occasionally she tries for a minute or two but again it seems like she's trying to rush through it (and then pauses and says "are you close?") and hopes to be done, like it's a chore. I've been saying things like "only carry on if you really want to" and often she'll just stop.

I would never want her to do something she didn't want to, but my question is: is it common for women to kind of "switch off" after they've orgasmed? I know it's a stereotype for men, and indeed physically I am "one and done" in terms of my own body, but mentally I'm still keen to do other things for her if I come before she does (which is very rare.) Is there anything I can do to make it more appealing for her to keep going in some way? I've talked with her a bit but she's not very comfortable talking about these things.

I am not sure what you can do. I’m the same as your wife - I orgasm very easily and as soon as I’ve come all sexual desire just vanishes. I can sometimes get it back if I just keep going and I start getting back into it. This is not something your wife can control unfortunately; it’s just her body’s responses.

I try as hard as I can to hold off as long as possible, so that my DH can catch up so most of the time, we finish at the same time.

I stress about finishing too soon for the reason you’ve set out in your post - I want my DH to enjoy himself, and he won’t if he’s concerned that I’m no longer interested.

In short, I try to either finish second or at the same time.

Wouldn't it be better to make sure you're more aroused before you start PIV? Or maybe have a vibrating cock ring or something extra to help you keep up.

Thanks very much for your replies.

@PrettyLies If your DH finishes first, does he start to go soft? That's the main reason why I tried to train myself in the early days to finish second. For what it's worth, I do still really enjoy sex with my wife even if I don't finish.

I guess I've been assuming that if she has some good orgasms with me then she'll be feeling great and affectionate towards me afterwards and would still have mental enthusiasm to help me to finish in other ways even if PIV was done, but maybe I've been getting something wrong in that equation. If her mind does just switch off from anything sexual completely then maybe there's not much that can be done differently.

I find it really odd your wife has no interest in you climaxing after she does. If the roles were reversed people would be saying she’s selfish and to Ltb.

My partner is like you in that he always makes sure I climax first, I have a 5 min break and then I want to give him pleasure so he gets a bj / handjob then move piv which is a bonus for me too as I usually orgasm again. I would be really upset with myself if I had sex with my partner and he didn’t climax. I find it selfish tbh.
Dont wait next time, come first, see what she says? Or have an open conversation about this just like you round about other stuff going on in your lives.

@AnonAnonmystery Thanks - it's great that you and your partner can both keep going like that. I was wondering whether to feel like it was selfish but it seems like some women (like some men) really do kind of switch off after they climax. The thought of her just going through the motions after that but not feeling into it is really off-putting for me, which would then make it even harder to finish too!

Well she’s having 2/3 Orgasms and you’re not having 1… I think you need to rethink the strategy here…

My dw reaches orgasm fairly easily, and I always make sure she's had a couple before we get to piv, and then she usually has more during that as well (with a big of extra stimulation). I take longer, sometimes quite a bit longer, but I'll always get over the line eventually. If dw doesn't lose interest first. Then I get same as you "are you nearly there yet?" which absolutely kills the mood stone dead - there's no point trying after that. I'd say I orgasm just over half the times we have sex, dw has a minimum of 3 or 4 every time. Taking a step back and looking at things now I'm writing it out, I don't think dw is particularly interested in my pleasure as there's really not much effort from her side during foreplay, that's all one way attention.

@jackdunnock Thanks for your reply. My DW does put in effort in the early stages, but she seems to find it harder to stay engaged after she has "finished", which may be the case for a lot of people I guess. Is there a gap in libidos between you two in general? I'm the one who's always hoping to have more sex and for longer, so that might not be helping my situation.

I don’t think your situation is particularly unusual, the old wives take ‘ men just roll over and go to sleep after they’ve orgasmed’ although true in a lot of cases also applies to women. ( I think?! )

if I finish before myself GF I know I will lose sexual desire, but not necessarily interest - I want her to orgasm as well but it’s definitely more of an effort. So, I try and hold off until she has finished or in most cases time it so we both finish together.

after foreplay I always make the man go down on me, once I orgasm he enters me and either cums in me or I give him a blow job where he cums in my mouth. Either way I enjoy this and no chance will I rush him as that just kills the whole vibe

Thanks everyone for your replies. Does anyone have experience of a partner who didn't seem to have much interest in "giving" but then you found a way to help them to enjoy it more? I'm not meaning to be pressuring at all or anything like that, but I've got this feeling now that maybe she doesn't get much enjoyment from trying to do anything for me, and in some ways it's putting me off sex in general, like I'm wondering more "How much of any of this does she actually really want? Should I stop even sooner? Should I initiate less often?" She says she really likes sex with me, so it's confusing.

Suggest not overthinking it.
If she says she really likes sex with you, believe her. If she acts like she doesn't want more sex after orgasms, that she's switched off and now has no more interest in sex, despite you not finishing, then she probably doesn't.

The conversation you need to have is about how it can be good for you both, given the changes that have come with age. Not blaming, not pressuring, just "I want this to be good for both of us, and I'm now having this issue, how can we solve it?"

And yes, it might be uncomfortable as a conversation if she doesn't like talking about sex, but it's an important one to have. Saying again: without pressure and without blame, you're both looking for a solution which suits you both.

Climaxing together would be the solution. That could be very possible with open communication during sex. We do this sometimes. It’s a really envigorating feeling!

Thanks again for all of the responses. I definitely agree about not pressuring or blaming, and just trying to work together on what would work well for both of us.