To test the water without leading anyone on. *Trigger* mentions SA

[Donttouch89]

Ok... NC because this is going to be a huge over share. And it's entirely hypothetical as there isn't even anyone with potential in my life.

I've been single over a decade. Always same-sex relationships, never good ones. I'm happy as a singleton, but I think that's partly because I don't remotely entertain anything non-platonic.

Shortly after I ended it with my last partner I was SA on a night out. By a woman. It wasn't my fist SA in life or my 'worst', but it was like the straw that broke the camels back. For years I couldn't even hug people. Now I hug but that's it. The thought of kissing someone makes me feel nauseous. I am able to sort physical things myself, but it's more like scratching dry skin than anything truly intimate.

I need to get through this but I'm not sure how. I need to feel attraction to someone. I've only felt something for one person in 10 years and that was never going to happen (they had their own issues).

I need someone willing to move glacially slow in a relationship, but no adult wants to be on a promise that isn't a promise because what if I just can't ever do it again. And in reverse, my friends say just go into an Ace relationship. But what if I then want to be physical because the trust is built. It would be unfair to use someone like that.

And it's all moot because I've spent 10 years making myself as disgusting as possible so no one would even want more than friendship anyway.

And yes, I've had plenty of therapy.

You don't need to get through it, if a physical sexual relationship isn't for you then you don't have to have one. There's nothing wrong with your primary relationship being based on friendship/ companionship rather than sex.

If though you do want a relationship and can see that it might include a physical sexual aspect with the right person, rather than focusing on needing to meet someone who is ok with glacially slow / perhaps never/ perhaps yes when it comes to sex and then working out if you click with them, flip the priorities, search for someone who is a nice person, who you find funny and interesting and attractive and then broach with them the subject of needing time to decide if a sexual relationship is on the cards to see if that uncertainty is something they are open to?

If you are looking at online dating, Feeld has lots of options ~ saying that you fall somewhere along the demisexual / asexual spectrum or are looking for someone who defines themselves that way might be a starting point.