DH struggling to ejaculate

[Bloodyboiling]

My DH is having difficulty ejaculating. On the rare occasions he can manage to do so, it takes forever. He can get an erection easily and is keen to have sex. He seems to enjoy it but just can't quite "get over the line".

For some years he had a condition called chronic balanitis that made sex painful for him. About 5 months ago he had a circumcision which finally sorted out that problem but now he has this failure to be able to orgasm/ejaculate. He's not on any medication that would cause this and is a healthy 63 year old.

Has anyone else experienced this and if so we're you able to resolve it?

Hi @Bloodyboiling I don’t have a solution, but I’m a healthy 64 year-old male, not on any medication, have no issues getting and maintaining an erection, but was circumcised for health reasons when I was thirty and over the last decade or so I have found it increasingly difficult to “get over the line”, like your DH.

I enjoy sex enormously - the intimacy, the giving and receiving of pleasure, but I’ve accepted that I don’t expect to orgasm, so that when I do it is an added bonus. I suspect two factors: one is the plain but inevitable act of getting older (I’m still very fit and easily exceed my daily target 10k steps and swim a kilometre most days); and the fact that circumcision certainly decreases sensitivity.

The fact than sex tends to culminates in the male orgasm makes it a goal for both partners and so there is inevitably a feeling that it wasn’t successful if this fails to happen. You both need to come to terms with this and remove the focus from the male orgasm so that there isn’t any disappointment when it doesn’t happen, but perhaps celebrate the odd occasion when it does (I had a prostate op for benign enlargement about a year ago and don’t ejaculate anyway now, but it hasn’t marred my enjoyment of an orgasm).

I’m sorry if this seems a negative response as I can’t offer a physical solution, but I’ve found that if you can both accept the situation sex can continue and be just as enjoyable for you both as it has ever been. In fact I count any orgasms as belonging to us both as a couple, which ever one of us reaches them, so there is rarely any disappointment at all.

Thank you very much for taking the time to reply. What you've said more or less mirrors what my DH has said himself, but it is really reassuring to hear similar sentiments from someone else, as I do worry that my DH is just being kind when he says he still very much enjoys sex with me. He has said that he very much doesn't want this to define either him or sex between us and I need to respect that and not turn it into some sort of elephant in the room.

After a difficult few years when we had to more or less give up on sex because of the pain it caused him, at first it was like we had been given a second chance with the circumcision. I think I need to just stop worrying about this and thinking of it as something wrong. I know I am having a lovely time and he claims to be too and he certainly looks to be enjoying himself. This disparity I perceived between sexual enjoyment between us, was bothering me, but from what both you and he have said, I think I just need to stop thinking like that.

Again thank you for your helpful reply 🙂

My DH has trouble reaching orgasm and ejaculating. We’re pretty sure it’s a side effect of some of his medications. However the lack of orgasm hasn’t affected his sex drive or enjoyment of having sex with me.

We’ve had to reframe sex in our minds to not requiring a man to ejaculate. We kiss, touch each other, fuck, experience pleasure, connect emotionally, and all that sex involves except for DH reaching orgasm and ejaculating.

DH reaches the very edge of an orgasm but can’t quite tip over the edge or get the release of it. It means that he can experience an extended time of huge pleasure that can go on and on. He’s definitely enjoying himself! There’s just not the release at the end. It’s more that he has to stop because he’s getting exhausted.

We both miss him being able to orgasm and ejaculate but it’s been this way for about a year or two now. He’s reduced the suspected medications to as low as possible but it still doesn’t happen. The medications are essential.

He experienced impotence previously due to low testosterone. Thankfully that disappeared once he was on the right level of testosterone replacement therapy. He’d also experienced getting hard but his erection disappearing within a minute or two of entering me. That sucked. Again, the right level of testosterone fixed that. Compared to that, we’re both very happy and relieved that he gets hard, experiences pleasure and we can fuck.

@Bloodyboiling Believe your DH that he wants to have sex with you. Sex doesn’t have to involve him ejaculating. Enjoy him and enjoy having sex with him. Enjoy the second chance at having a sex life now that his pain has been fixed.

I had that issue for a short while in my early fifties. I struggled to get over the line and when I did it was followed by an intense (thunderclap) headache.

I went for a scan which was all clear.

We put it down to stress and depression (work was hell at that point).

I had 6 months on Prozak for the depression. Once off the meds and with the extreme stress gone I was fine.

Imo that seems fairly normal as men age, although maybe I've been with a lot of weird men 😂 My XH didn't always come, my late boyfriend didn't either (but we had a LOT of sex so it wasn't particularly surprising), and a current FWB rarely orgasms (never so far with me, and it's very rare even by himself) but he definitely gets plenty of pleasure from penetration and oral!

Thanks for sharing your experience. We are trying not to let this become a massive issue. You are spot on that the most important thing is enjoying what you have. I am just so grateful that both of us still actually want to have sex in our 60s and that DH's circumcision has given us a 2nd chance.

Thanks for sharing your experiences. I've only had a few very long term relationships so it's really helpful to understand that this is much more common than I'd realised and that people are enjoying healthy sexual relationships despite this.

@Bloodyboiling DH and I are in our 40s. Hopefully we’re still wanting to and able to have sex in our 60s! Reframing sex as not requiring ejaculation will really help you both. I mean, who made it a rule that the man must ejaculate? Is it required for both to have a good time? Why does sex end once a man has ejaculated? Truly the only reason that a man needs to ejaculate during sex is if the couple is trying to pregnant. Now go enjoy your man and his healed up penis!

Not worrying about sex as a journey to the destination of ejaculation means you can meander about, doing what you want 😊

I've always thought it's a bit off that even men who want to ensure their female partner comes first, then have that expectation that we will carry on afterwards (possibly to a second orgasm or more, possibly not), but that generally once they've come that's it.

Very similar to my husband who is in his mid 40's. In his case the cause is 100% the medication he takes for anxiety for the last few years.

We focus on the positives and away from 'his' finish usually being 'the' finish and our sex sessions are usually much longer now. He has got comfortable now knowing he is probably not going to cum and this takes some of the pressure off. I get better sex now that he can go so long without finishing.

Thanks for sharing your experience. Yes the longer sessions are definitely a bonus 🙂

Yes, I probably ejaculate inside about 20% of the times we have penetrative sex. I put this down to two things, I am in 50s and have been circumcised for about 30 years, and also take Cialis to help with firmness. It is still enjoyable but quite often I feel there is no way I am going to cum. It's a very different feeling from 20 years ago where I felt I was going to cum the minute penetration started

It sounds as if the loss of orgasm trigger has coincided with his circumcision, right? Has his circumcision affected sensitivity in the frenulum? It’s not really discussed much but this area on a man’s penis is super sensitive and definitely plays a big role in the actual orgasms. Gentle but persistent stimulation of the area alone, such as expert licking or even a vibrator, can bring a man to orgasm in a few minutes.

It could well be that the sensitivity returns for him. Sensory nerve damage takes a long time to repair itself, as in 6-12 months, so you never know.

DH was warned in advance that there may be unavoidable damage to the nerve to the frenulum, but thankfully the surgeon was able to avoid that. His frenulum is still very reactive to stimulation by all sorts of means but not generally to the point of orgasm/ejaculation. No amount of time, effort or ingenuity has been spared on trying this.

I tell him it's his superpower now, to be able to and go so long without cumming. Honestly, it is the best sex I have had and he says it feels great for him still even though he doesn't cum.