ED - new relationship

[whenim64andahalf]

I name changed. I’m quite sad writing this. I connected up with an old school friend late last year after losing my DH 4 years ago. He’s been single 5 years himself. (Before we re-connected, I’d been seeing someone casually and physically no problems - just wasn’t long term.)

With my new man, in our first few nights together, we had sex. He was as hard as can be and we had, I thought, the start of a rewarding physical, as well as a lovely emotional connection. He has said he thought his sex life was over and then I came along…. But he has also said that our emotional connection is more important and the sex is a bonus.

One night, he had trouble maintaining an erection and since then, 4 weeks now, he hasn’t initiated sex and I don’t feel I can.

I’ve practiced all sorts of ways of starting a convo not least because he may need to see a dr about his general health. (He’s already had a heart attack 10 years ago so this could be a warning of further circulatory issues.)

Selfishly, I feel sad, unattractive and not desired. In all other respects, he’s just perfect. We see each 3 times a week as we both work still but he always messages to let me know he’s thinking of me and when we’re together, there is no lack of affection from him to me.

I guess I’m just sad that I loved him enjoying sex and now nothing. Why would his physical ability to have an erection waned so suddenly? I don’t know what I’m asking really but it’s just a bit sad.

Forgot to add, we’re both mid 60’s.

So he's had one episode of ED with you (after one or more 'successful' encounters) and since the time with the ED neither of you have initiated sex?

What happened the time he had ED, did he acknowledge it, did you talk about it, did he carry on being intimate or affectionate or shut down?

I think you need to bring it up before it becomes even more of an elephant in the room! There more he over thinks it the more likely it is to happen again due to nerves / pressure.

It sounds like he's embarrassed or feels ashamed and doesn't want to risk feeling like a 'failure' again without some reassurance from you that it's not a big deal.

It's up to you if it's a deal breaker for you, that may depend if it happens infreqently, occasionally or regularly and if you can still enjoy physical intimacy in other ways on the occasions he isn't able to have PIV.

Thank you for responding. It was all handled with every sensitivity at the time. Only ‘discussed’ on one other occasion when we went to bed and he was being his usual affectionate self and he said ‘I’m sorry; that’s not an invitation for intimacy’. I was reassuring and said that we should keep talking about things and there wasn’t and wouldn’t be any pressure. He did say he didn’t think he was very well but refused to go to the doctor. He also refuses to go about a hip problem he has.

It’s not a deal breaker as everything else is great so if it’s the way it is, I’ve got to reframe this in my mind.

But, I still find it sad that for the second time, (my late husband’s health resulted in no sex life), I’m in a similar position after such promise just weeks ago.

I’m very used to being sensitive and understanding about this subject.

A conversation needs to be had. Don't be fobbed off OP. There are countless threads on here with similar stories of sexless relationships and none of them have happy outcomes.

With my new man, in our first few nights together, we had sex. He was as hard as can be and we had, I thought, the start of a rewarding physical, as well as a lovely emotional connection.

Are you sure he didn’t take any ED meds to become as hard as hard can be in mid 60 ?
he might need a helping hand ( or pill ) to help him get a good erection while aroused

I thought this too but if that were the case, he could just take another tablet so I’m still flummoxed.

My DH (69 now) had a heart attack 6 years ago and is on 2 different blood pressure medications, asprin which is a blood thinner, plus a statin. He will be on these for life. ED is a problem for him, never was before, but is only achievable with a lot of effort from both of us, not every day, but maybe once a week, unfortunately there’s no way he would see a GP or order viagra. So it’s quite possible your partner is experiencing the same.

Just a word of warning.....
For men who have high BP or a history of heart issues and are taking medication.

Don't take boner pills unless the GP has confirmed it's okay to do so.

Go on holiday somewhere they sell it over the counter!

He won’t take anything that’s not prescribed by a GP/Specialist and there’s no way on earth he’s going and see them about this. We are perfectly happy with what we manage thanks, I was just saying that medication can cause ED.

Thank you, I don’t want DH to take anything, one heart attack is one too many.

Maybe too embarrassed- just ask him outright-ED can be an early warning sign of off other more serious issues- so maybe use that as your discussion point

Update. Yesterday saw a return to ‘physical relations’. It provided opportunity (after) for a chat about things. He said he’s been feeling like he’s lost his stamina. He’s agreed to dr’s to check there’s nothing underlying (and also to get his hip checked out) but he also said that his libido isn’t what it was after 5 years single and at his age. I understand that as neither is mine what it was 10 years ago. I feel reassured that he’ll get medically checked but the discussion has brought us so much closer and if we go through droughts, I think the emotional connection makes up for it.

Thank you for your perspectives. Xx

Some blood pressure tablets have ED listed as a side effect which if you think about it makes sense. Both mine have this side effect. I just skip the blood pressure tablets once a week and this works fine. Check with your doc first though!