Could I be

[Busyybee]

Been with a man for 20years but I sometimes think I could be bi. I’ve never experienced with a woman but I think I would love to try but I know I can’t as I’m in a marriage etc. how does one overcome this feeling?

Hi @Busyybee It is not unheard of. I know a friend who became by the time she had kids and a husband. She realised this about herself, but she was still in a happy relationship, so technically nothing changed for her. Until that point she was a woman who was in a dedicated relationship choosing not to be with other men, and after that it's the same but choosing not to be with other men + women.
If you want to experiment with women, you need to be honest about it with your husband. But in that case you need to consider the possibility that he would be upset by this. I know there are men out there who support such things, but not everyone. I would be upset myself, that is for sure. At that point you also need to make a decision - if he is not happy for you to go ahead, you need to respect it if you stay with him, but if you feel strongly about this, you will need to exit the relationship so you can be free to do so. That's a lot of 'if's, but these are worth thinking about.

Yes, you could be. But remember there are lots of bi people in monogamous relationships.

You don't have to do anything about it (physically I mean) with another person but you might find it helpful to acknowledge it. Talking to your OH if you think he'd be supportive and/ or by talking to other bi people. I consider myself bi but currently my interest in women is confined to what I'm reading/ watching and talking about with my bi friends, not who I'm sleeping with.

From your title, Yes you probably are, what happens next?
What would you like to happen next?
[I was in a similar situation to this two years ago]

How do you overcome the feeling…you can’t really aside from live with it.
I was similar but had never acted on or taken further until late last year on a Xmas night out and ended up back with another woman. Mindblowing and yes i enjoyed every minute…wish I had done years ago but yes i also recognised it is cheating when in a relationship which you are

May I ask @NCforthisboard Did you find the experience exciting or sexy or was there an understanding of a real relationship on a more complex level?

I have made short term friendships but there is little continuing with the women I have met.

Was def exciting and sexy despite my nerves as very new but she also knew no likelihood of a relationship as I am not about to upend my marriage. I am worried I’m more likely to cheat though having enjoyed the experience so comes down to willpower

@NCforthisboard On the subject of cheating. (I am trying to take a neutral position here.) Do you think a wife or partner sleeping with another woman is as bad as if she had an affair with a man?

There is no more reason why a bi person in a long term monogamous relationship should cheat on their partner than a straight person.

lt just means that should that relationship end for whatever reason, another partner may not be the same sex as the previous one.

Of course, if couples have their own private agreements that is another matter.

I will never understand anyone who is not thinking it's the exact same thing.

I don’t know why but it felt less of a cheating to me..prob because if I’d suggested a 3some with him and her I’d suspect he would be up for it straight away lol. Whereas a secret liaison felt like cheating

It is pretty simple - Sex behind your partner's back and without their knowledge is cheating, no matter if it's with a man or a woman. Some people have arrangements, having sex with others with their partner's consent - that is not cheating.

@NCforthisboard , There was some discussion about this some time ago. A significant opinion was that forgiveness was easier because penetration by penis was not involved. It didn't cancel the cheating but some husbands found it easier to come to terms with. It did not leave the rancour.
This does not apply to me because I am single.
The threesome idea is interesting, 🤔I have never been invited so never tempted.

We all believe in "to each their own", but anyone believing in that needs to do some thinking - Just because no penetration is involved, how is that making it any less of cheating? To me that always sounded sexist, it's like saying what women can do is not as impactful. Don't know about you, to me it sounds like a sexist notion. And where do these people draw the line? If the two women involved used toys, or their finger, there was penetration, so what then? It is just silly.

This seems to be a misogynistic the “penis is mightier than the sword” logic.

Although many men might think their penis is the holy grail, that we should all worship, it isn’t. It’s not all based on insertion.

Lots of things could happen between someone supposedly in a monogamous relationship and a third party, that their partner would not be happy with.

And it makes lesbians totally immune because no penis is involved.

To avoid confusion about my posts earlier; I have not and will not advocate that there is a difference in seriousness between a woman cheating with another woman and cheating with a man. My comment was on an opinion voiced on an earlier Thread where some husbands/partners were able to forgive more readily when a same sex fling or affair was discovered.
I even said I was neutral and that I was single.

Cheating is still cheating of course. Sex is sex, whether there's a penis or penetration or not. It doesn't make it less wrong or less painful to the injured party if you get caught.

That said, some (not all) male partners definitely have a different view of f/f sex to m/f sex and seem more willing to entertain the idea of their wife or girlfriend having a female lover and some kind of 'free pass' or open agreement. In all the cases I know, the men would 100% not accept their partner seeing another man but do accept a woman. Whether that's because they don't view f/f relationships as meaningful or as as much of a threat or because they're titilated by the idea I'm not really sure. There's a lot of misogyny wrapped up in that point of view.

I can only comment on my experience. From the (potential) cheaters POV, I think, (as a bi woman person in a f/m relationship) because f/f sex is very very different to m/f sex, in a long term monogamous relationship, the feeling of 'missing' something or 'never going to be able to experience something again' does come up and can feel quite sad sometimes. It's different (for me) to the 'not going to sleep with another man' feeling. While I might get a fleeting flutter if I see an attractive man, it is like 1/10 and barely registers, whereas the awareness I am not going to have an intimate connection with a woman again is always there in the background (without there being a specific person in mind), its mid-range say 3/10 to 5/10 and easily squashed down but it never completly goes away. It can fluctuate, sometimes it is very amplified and a painful 8-9/10 when nostalgia or something (perimenopause!) pushes it to the forefront again.