Thinking about opening relationship. Can it work??

[Simplysayingit]

This is long so buckle up.
My partner, a 39-year-old man, and I, a 40-year-old woman, have been happily together for over 15 years. We have three children and are comfortably settled in a very stable relationship.

I’m straight, and we believe that if we hadn’t met so young, my partner might have explored a side of himself that we think could make him bisexual. In fact he has told me about some sexual experiences he has had with men before we met. However, over the past year or two, I’ve noticed that my libido hasn’t been where it used to be. I think I’m hitting peri-menopause and I’ve been feeling a bit sexually indifferent. My partner has been incredibly supportive throughout this time though. We do have sex just not as regularly as we would both like. I should say I’m very open about sex and all that goes with it. I’m open to different positions, oral sex, anal sex (him and me) and we also enjoy using toys in the bedroom.

Recently, we had a hypothetical discussion about introducing someone else to our sexual exploration and experiences. I firmly declined the idea of another woman because the thought of another woman in the bedroom makes me extremely jealous. Partly, this is because I’m more likely to imagine my partner running off with another woman. (I know they could run off with anyone, but this scenario just seems more likely in my mind.) However, I did say that I wouldn’t mind another man in the bedroom because I think I would be less jealous, and am less likely to believe he would leave me for a man.

Then, we discussed whether my partner would be open to anal sex with the other man. Since then, we’ve had many frank and honest discussions about how it would work, where it would be, and our hard limits. My partner has set up a Grindr account with my permission and has been messaging a few guys. He’s been honest with them and told them that he has a partner who is aware of what he’s doing—my partner has been showing me the messages he’s been receiving and sending.

He’s found a potential match on the site and the match knows that I know about the whole situation. He’s hoping to meet and hook up with this guy this week to see if he enjoys it and if we both are happy to continue the arrangement. Obviously safety is paramount and we’ve spoken about all of that too. We’ve agreed that at any point if either of us feels we don’t want to continue, we stop straight away.

I’ve also expressed that if the other guy is open to it, I might join in with the “fun” in the future. Also since we started this topic of conversation my libedo has gone through the roof and I’m way more active in the bedroom.

Am I being completely näive in thinking that this situation could work or should we just go for it and enjoy it.

I don't have any experience of open relationships but your preliminary discussions seem to have been very open and honest in comparison with other scenarios I've read here on MN, which makes me think it will work for you.

It could work.
It could go tits up.
It could be the making of your marriage.
It could be the ending of your marriage.

No one can know.

My advice is really clear boundaries around conversations/relationship building with the other man. Lots and lots of communication between the two of you. Agree how accessable husband will be when he's with the other man. You may need reassurance before and after or you may not.

At this point you don't know what you'll find difficult to manage, so make sure your husband knows that. And make sure you have a safe word that indicates everything stops right now because I don't like it.

If you have a jealous trait then it won't work.

Why do I feel like a man has written this post?

Go and have a look on Reddit. It has sub-reddits dedicated to open relationships and polyamory. There will be much more experience on that site than there is here.

You're bringing a complexity into your relationship; but I suppose if he's bisexual, the complexity is already there, whether you act upon it or not. But all things can work if there's complete honesty and trust. But, it can destroy a relationship too if the jealousy doesn't dissipate.

For a lot of people, modern relationships are very different from how they were 30 years ago. The internet, social media have all played a part in how we see ourselves, relationships etc. I'm a true believer in living you life as honestly as you can and if this work for you, then brilliant.

I was in a completely monogamous relationship for 20 years. Then we divorced. Now though, I'm in a somewhat different relationship. My partner has a lover and has had the same lover for nearly five years. This again started with online contact. My partner has a habit of chatting to men online and this particular guy became a regular fixture for her, especially during the Covid lockdown. This all coincided with my erectile dysfunction which was evident for quite a while. They built up a real rapport. It was heading towards a sexual relationship, definitely after Covid ended and over a few weeks we spoke about it and agreed that he could have some access to her. Best thing we ever did. She's never been happier and he's a nice guy, 56, drives a black cab for a living. A very kind man though. It started off as threesomes, but my ED came and went so he took the lead more often. Now, its mainly between them. He stay over with us, or she goes to his flat in Kent.

Men are often better at keeping things as 'just' sex. Like you, i'd be far less concerned about male partner leaving me for a man he's hooking up with than a woman and less jealous of that situation too.

This is just it. For us both it’s just sex. No emotional attachment to the other person involved. Just hookups.

From experience, it won't pan out that way.

'I’ve also expressed that if the other guy is open to it, I might join in with the “fun” in the future'

Blokes on grindr will not be interested in the wife joining in.

If you want to try mmf or mfm threesomes I'd guess Fabswingers or similar would be more what you're looking for.