Sex overload

[notpstar]

I wasn’t sure if to put this on relationships or sex but it is sec related so I’m putting it here. I remember reading a thread I think on AIBU with someone in a very similar situation but I can’t find it now.

The issue I have is that when me and DP met we were quite adventurous sexually. We are around 8-9 years down the road now and whilst it’s still enjoyed things have certainly mellowed.

My issue is my DP seems to be obsessed with sex, it’s constantly what he thinks about and talks about. I get messages numerous times a day and I have had to say stop messaging me about this I am working. I don’t want to engage in this while I am out working.

He is wanting to constantly talk about new things, scenarios, fantasies, send pictures, dirty talk, toys, dressing up etc. I like doing some of these things, but he is making me hate all of it.

It is making me feel like he wants a porn star for a partner and no matter what we do there is always ‘something else’, ‘something new’. It’s driving me mad. I have expressed this and as a result he just becomes grumpy if I do. I think as I used to be more adventurous he is annoyed it’s stopping. I get that but he’s making it that way. For periods of time he has got less and listened but it’s always gone back to being this way. It’s taken all the fun, enjoyment and excitement out of sex that to be honest I’m not bothered about doing it at all at the minute!

honestly not sure what to do with this.

1st: Address in your mind why it was adventurous to start.

Men are like dogs , when we get something we like and it’s kept going for a bit then it goes away - trying to understand why it’s no longer with out reason other than time - is sad and unexplained . So he keeps trying to keep it going . But life changes and then adjusting to it all sucks .

2nd: If the sex is still enjoyed as you say - then follow thru clearly . Let him know you will be happy to have fun when you are ready.

In the meantime he has needs like you do ..
Find a happy medium to address those needs simply as maintenance connection time and not the adventurous rounds or kinks he wants . Let him know that will be adventurous when you are feeling the spark to have that . Because in reality - can’t have crazy sex all the time . Connective sex is good for intimacy . He needs to mature .

3rd: He is not listening . Getting grumpy that his bride is not being his proverbial porn star -good luck getting it elsewhere - doesn’t work like that always . Tinder , Fet Life , Grindr, who knows . The list goes on . He can bail out and try elsewhere but it won’t go that way . He knows this . Being petulant is not a good look.

If you set the bar so high early on - he wants it that way always because you were that - are that partner in his eyes .

He idolizes your being , your sexuality , you… that’s why he keeps trying .
He wants you to be the one who fulfills his fantasy.

if you feel objectified in any way now - you need to review the past and understand- you provided all of that to him before . You are his queen and the sexual connection is his expression of love for you but can be getting too much - sometimes sex drives don’t match up it happens .

Tell him to knock it off on the bullshit at work .
Has to mature in the relationship .

Demonstrate that he can be confident in what he sees in you and what he wants from you in the bedroom will be there in time when it’s right , if not he can figure it out elsewhere if the compatibility of his heightened sexual addictions are blurred from his psychological thoughts to reality .

Free will is there for all of us . But I think he will want to work it out with his wife .

Good luck in this situation.
Just know he wants you and all that you are and have been for him sexually speaking . That’s what drives him for more from you .
Be open and talk - if he doesn’t listen and things are not compatible any more - going to have to hit counseling .

I loves sex and think about it a lot - but I couldn't bear this. Unwanted sexual messages at work? Constant pestering? I feel suffocated and repulsed just reading your post. No wonder you have been turned off completely.

For me it reads as if he has tipped over into a really dysfunctional compulsion. He's not seeing you - he's seeing porn fantasies and trying to force you (unwillingly) into acting them out. He's on the path to destroying your relationship, honestly. I don't usually advise relationship therapy but maybe it's the only way to make it see what he is doing

Hi @notpstar - What an uncomfortable situation.. There is something deeply unsettling reading how much he bombards you with all of this, it made me think of substance addicts that jump around and act weird until they can get their hands on what they want. We are not talking about mismatched sex drives here, that can be managed better. Look. It is a running joke in our marriage with the wife that I am always ready for it, even if I am half-dead with an illness or sleep-deprivation.. I am always happy to engage in it, reciprocate when she says something sexual... And it is true. BUT. There is a time and place. If my wife had a day where she wants to do nothing but talk sex, I am all there for it, but when she's at work, I have the brain cells to know that it is not a setting where she even wants to think about such things, it would be distracting and annoying, work for her is not exactly a turn-on (I think we all agree and share the sentiment). What your partner is lacking is this awareness. And his behaviour turns him into a pest - if I had to put a label on it. It seems to interfere with your everyday life, and it is clear to me that you communicated this plenty of times already. Him continuing to act this way is either a) he doesn't care for you enough as a person to consider how it all makes you feel, or make an effort to fine-tune his behaviour, or b) There is something off in his mind that he needs to fix. Either way, you said it yourself, it took all the enjoyment and fun out it in the bedroom, and outside the bedroom it is just annoyance and pestering. No matter how I look at it, he undermined your happiness and comfort. I don't think there is much you can do. It is such a relentless issue, and you can't seem to get through to him, and make him change. So in that case, change the only thing you can change - and make your life more peaceful.

@Winterbolt
it was adventurous as it was fun to try new things. The problem is we kind of tried almost everything. And some things were liked and some things weren’t. Anything we now haven’t tried is things I don’t want to.

there was talk about other things but it was more fantasies and a decision made not to act on them, but the talk continued and still continues now even though I have explicitly said no, I don’t want to do that. It’s like because it was discussed he can’t accept it’s just a no for me.

I have been very open that the reason that he is not getting it as much is that it seems to be a constant seeking more/new. Like what we do isn’t good enough so what’s the point really.

it’s getting me nowhere.

@RockingBeeboits exactly that. I used to love it and now I am starting to despise it due to this. It is suffocating. It’s like every time we aren’t sat in the same room there is some message about something. I’m being very blatant in saying not much or one word answers or saying I am not talking about it.

he likes to ask questions about things I have done before with others. This irritates me so much as I did not enjoy it with others and I don’t want to think about it. Plus it was years ago and I can’t remember nor do I want to but he won’t drop it that I’ve just taken to ignoring it completely now.

it may need to be counselling.

@exhaustDAD
it feels to me at this stage very much like an addiction. He can’t not do it regardless of how many time I express I do not want it.

it was very matched sex drives until this all got too much. It’s constant. My life is very busy, work is very responsible place for me and not a place I want to entertain any of this.

it’s like nothing is ever enough. I am busy with work, kids (2 with additional needs), studying, exercise, a dog to look after and I feel like all this is just giving me a headache. All the chat means by the time it comes to doing it I can no longer be bothered as it’s been so constant.

it certainly feels like a sex pest right now.

He needs to mature & seek counseling together .
i don’t see this rectifying itself on its own with you simply saying no .

I have a wife who will try anything once .
She means it .
And we have . Some fun - some is crappy -lots of laughs .
Stuff we like together becomes a part of our passion .
The incessant bullshit that you endure from his childish like behaviors- shut that shit down.
Reality is a real man will work to get you in the mood and then when you’re in the mood and you’re in the act and enjoying one another
He can say hey what about this?
Far easier to explore and have fun when you’re in the moment

This predication of fantasizing and projecting nonstop upon you. There’s no place for that.

Him: I want to lick a whole tub of cream off your naked body.
You: I've asked you to stop sending me sex messages at work. That's your first strike. Three strikes, no more sex for the rest of the month.
Him: Ooh, I love it when you get forceful. Maybe I could wear a gimp mask tonight?
You: That's two strikes.
Him:

@Winterbolti agree that’s me I am happy to explore and try things and always have been. But it’s become expected and a chore and almost tick box instead of fun. Or something as an end goal which just doesn’t do it for me. As you say in the moment is fine and works for me well.

counselling is going to have to be the way I think.

@moderatethats an idea to try!

What’s the rest of DH’s life like? Is the interest in sex a distraction from others aspects of life that he’s trying to mask out ?

Was he less experienced than you initially coming into the relationship? Does he feel that he needs to prove something and is overcompensating?

Have you tried some of what he’s mentioned that you don’t want to do again before him and he’s a bit jealous?

For me the stand out point is that you’ve been together 9yrs have 2 kids and busy lives with a regular sex life and hes messing it up which is sad.

How you articulate that so he gets the message is the challenge.Maybe Esther Perel’s mating in captivity might be a good valentines present to you both. (Cheaper than counseling)

@Bigtimecharliei would say potentially yes to it being a distraction. He works alone, from home whereas I don’t. Has few hobbies compared to me and socialising etc. and gets bored very easily.

experience wise, likely the other way round and nothing I’ve tried before that we haven’t tried.

our kids are not ours together so are all older. But yes it’s been a longish relationship and sex was regular and enjoyable.