Open relationship

[MrsDor]

My husband and I have been Swingers for many years, more so me now. The relationship has been open for many years.
I've had a few relationships and lovers over the years. Our daughter now lives away from home. Has anyone experience of telling family and friends of their lifestyle. I would like to be more honest and open and have date nights in public with my lover.

Love to know your thoughts and experiences.

We don't swing, but my partner has an occasional sex partner she sees on average around once a month. It's been going on 4½ years or so Our daughter, who is now married doesn't know.

Oh god I couldn't imagine being told anything worse. No one wants to know their parents are swingers and their mother is out on dates with other men. If it works for you that's fine but don't try to involve your kids in it, they really won't want to know.

(M)
I admire your desire for honesty in your close relationships, but I’d caution you against assuming they’d actually want to know…… particularly family.
I bumped into a fellow villager at a club once, far from home; we exchanged pleasantries and a drink and moved on, accepting our shared interest as our private business. We mix in similar social circles but have never spoken about it since. No awkwardness, just “our private life.”
I guess I’m saying, just continue to enjoy yourself, go out on dates discreetly if you’d like, and deal with others knowing “as and when it happens.” It probably will one day….. if they don’t secretly know already.

Personally, I think that whilst you're happy with your lifestyle, I'd say telling family could be a mistake. It depends on your family but often they can be judgemental and may not want to know anyway.

In our circumstance, whilst its not a secret, it is private and our daughter could find out at some point and we'll just deal with that at the time.

As someone stated above, you can come across people you might know at nudist clubs or wherever. It a lifestyle a lot of people enjoy. I bumped into a maintenance guy from work in such a place. We said hello and that was that. Never mentioned again. Whilst not being a secret, privacy means a lot to people.

I see this so often with people living these types of lives... When there is a discussion between monogamous relationships vs open ones, people often defend these lifestyle choices tooth and nail, but then when asked if they are ok with their children, family members or close friends finding out, it somehow (usually) stops right there. So if it's all that amazing and nothing worth thinking about, why do they hesitate when it comes to being honest about it to their own children? So there is some level of being unsure... That is interesting to me, is all.

I think there's a little hypocracy to it all but for us, I think there's an embarassment factor. I don't think I would want my daughter to know what we do behind closed doors. However, if she found out accidentally then it'd be out in the open and would pribably be a relief.

Ah, not quite: Let's compare like-for-like, is my recommendation. We are talking lifestyle, not the actual sexual act itself. Knowing that your parents are in a monogamous relationship, and making an intelligent guess what it entails is not the same as describing sex acts. There is no hypocrisy in there.

Your kids don't need nor want to know about who you are fucking.

They don't want to think about you being sexual at all and it's frankly weird that you want them to know.

If you value your relationship with your children please don't put this on them.

Whilst all is calm nothing happens. Consider though how this information might be used if there were a falling out - any criticism of you and then someone calls you a sl*g then gives the reasons.
You would be outcasts. So would DCs.
You cannot keep secrets with several people.

We have been swinging since covid, mainly clubs and parties, we both enjoy it but don't mix it with the vanilla world and we only play with others in the same room so our dynamic is very different to yours.

Whilst a couple of our very close friends know about our naughty adventures we would be mortified if our families found about it. I'm sure it would create a absolute shit storm tbh.

Could you not travel to a different town or city if you wanted nights out with your lover?

C’mon @exhaustDAD, you know full well it’s all mixed up with “societal norms.” I’ve sat on interview panels and listened to other members openly suggest because “you know they’re wife swappers, we don’t want them in our team.”……. I’m old enough to remember the same being said about blacks and gays. People have good reason to be discreet, and I think you may have inadvertently confirmed why.

@Maccar305 That is a very fair point, I can definitely see the parallel. There are some important differences, but I can see your angle, I mean that. I know one coworker who lives a lifestyle like that, too. I have no issue with it, whatsoever, it is their life, etc etc. I would never discriminate against anyone for these things, it's just interesting to thing about how lifestyle choices have an impact on things..
(One thing, however, in an interview panel, how the heck is something like that out in the open, when you don't even know anything else of the person?)

👍
(One thing, however, in an interview panel, how the heck is something like that out in the open, when you don't even know anything else of the person?)
*Small teams, well known to each other with some seeking promotion.
Not all candidates are outsiders.

ah got it @Maccar305

That’s part of the fun for me. Those that know, know.

Thank you for all your comments. Being more open has come more into my mind as I recently told a close friend and she was very curious and we chatted well. She was excited for me that I had a lover for over a year and hubby was supportive. It has encouraged me to be less secretive about my situation.

I think it depends on you dynamic with friends and family. Our situation isn't so much a secret, its just a private area of our lives.

Her lover comes a long way. He's down on the south coast while we're in the east Midlands. It takes a lot of planning but worth every second as me partner has never been happier.

I wouldn't want to know. Its your business who you have set with. I don't need the details.
Sounds like your friend is in danger of living vicariously through you

The last chapter of Open Deeply address this. As an open relationship person, I don't think I'd share with family (my children especially) but it was an interesting chapter.

I’ve been a swinger for over 10 years and enjoy it immensely, my family don’t know but my friends do, to be honest they’d be more surprised if I wasn’t a swinger!
I like being known as a swinger, I like the taboo, I like the thought of being involved in something that not many people do and some find gross and even a bit disgusting.
Thats a big turn on for us.

The key to a harmonious life is being able to keep things in different compartments. There are a great many things I've done which I wouldn't have told my parents about, including my sex life. Towards the end of their lives they were frail elderly people who were a bit socially conservative and never really approved of me anyway, so there's no point giving them things they can't handle that would just upset them. Similarly with people I meet at work - when small talk comes up about what we did at the weekend I'm much more inclined to say 'I went to visit a friend in York' than to divulge that the friend in question is also a lover, in the same way they don't tell me about the details of their intimate lives. Of course, I also have conversations with people who're actually interested about things like sex and polyamory, but these are people who are fairly self-selected, so are not apt to be horrified. As regards who I'm seen with around town, I've never really found that to be a problem - after work meetings, especially with colleagues from far away who may be staying over, we often go out for a curry afterwards - sometimes as a small group, sometimes just two of us, and the overwhelming majority of the time there's no romantic involvement anyway. So that sort of 'I saw Alexa in the Taj Mahal restaurant with a man' gossip just wouldn't be meaningful. You probably did - that's what we do.

Glad it has worked for you .
I guess wouldn’t want older children to know . It’s just a thing .

Also keep wondering why people marry when marriage is under God and following the religion married under is the imperative ground to which the couple marries under .

Reality is there should not be marriage if it’s open and the religious founding of what marriage really is - not being followed , right ?

I know a couple together 40 yrs and happy .
monogamous and happy . Not married .

Know another couple married and swinging for 15 yrs .
Asked them many times why the hell are you married if not faithful under God and the religion you married under ?
Response was eschewing the rules of a religious marriage and making their own rules .

So I get it . Works for you all. But marriage started as a union of a couple under God in religion.

Thats all gone now a days .
so be it