Somebody wiser than me please help

[Seesawoverthewall]

The short question is, how do I enjoy sex again?

To add context, me (f30) and partner (m33) are struggling.
I always used to initiate sex, 100% of the time, roughly 1-2 times a week. Until one day, I realised that he had never initiated it, so I stopped and we didn’t have sex for 5 months. I just waited it out patiently seeing when if it would ever come. I’ve never initiated sex since.

I’ve had multiple conversations with him about why he doesn’t initiate that revolve around his low sex drive. The reasons he gives are all superficial, and once fixed or resolved, his sex drive still doesn’t improve.

I have come to the conclusion that he simply isn’t attracted to me, which is ok, I can cope with that. I once borrowed his phone and his social media was absolutely filled with naked women and Google searches for onlyfans women - a firm and known no go zone boundary in the relationship.

He is insistent that he is attracted to me but I just don’t buy it. Any time we do have sex there is a severe lack of genuine enthusiasm or passion. It feels insincere if that makes sense. Like he’s ticking a box.
He also once asked me to promise him that I wouldn’t ever want sex more than once a week.. which doesn’t fill me with confidence that having sex with me is something he enjoys.

Now, he initiates maybe once every 4/5 weeks, but I just don’t enjoy it. I’m uncomfortable. I’ve lost all my confidence and I genuinely used to love sex and felt I had a very healthy drive. I miss having good sex greatly.

So, how do I enjoy sex again?

I'm hardly wise when it comes to sex, but I'd say get a different partner. If you enjoy sex, I'm sure there are plenty of men out there who would enjoy sex with you.

(M)
I’m wondering if his online activities can be seen as giving you a clue as to what turns him on in this phase of his life…… does anything he watches turn you on? I’m just wondering if that’s a window into his sexual mind and if you might like some of what you see? ……but, let’s be honest, only if you think the relationship is worth it and if you’ll enjoy yourself as well.
I wish you well.

You’ll never enjoy sex with him. Find someone else.

From what I have seen, that is just other women?

I think your question might be the wrong one here.

You'd enjoy sex again more with someone interested in having sex and pleasuring you more. Why that isn’t the case anymore or how can such mismatched libidos can be fixed (if that’s the case) might be. It’s not nice feeling that your partner is only having sex with you out of some sort of obligation rather than desire.

is there otherwise a good physical side to the relationship; hugging, kissing, touching?

Otherwise the relationship is great and other aspects of intimacy are spot on. I just want to feel comfortable having sex again.

Difficult one. He should know that it is an issue for you and it is always worth discussing or continuing to so that you avoid any resentment building. Most men (myself included) would be thrilled for our partners to initiate more. That you were doing so all of the time is probably pretty unusual.

Otherwise I’m unsure what the solution is. Take matters into your own hands, accept it for what it is or look elsewhere. 30 is a bit too young to have to accept a mediocre sex life.

Honestly? Dump him.

You're not married to the man and he will chip away at your self esteem while he pathetically trawls the internet gawping at women who wouldn't spit on him if he spontaneously combusted.

You deserve better.

Why should she have to look for a window into what's going on in his head?
No effort is coming from him. It's not a woman's job to fix whatever bullshit a man thinks about.
He has a responsibility to fix their sex life and he's choosing to look at prostitutes (because that's what Onlyfans is) and trample to boundaries of their relationship instead.
Fuck him.

Speaking as a man here... He needs to go. I am sorry, he makes no effort, and to top it off he has an outlet - behind your back, mind you - with the social media and OF women. Let's not even open the can of worms that you clearly set it as a no-go zone in your relationship that he completely disregarded.. Let's just focus on the surface for now, because that alone is enough to exit while as soon as you can: He shows no desire towards you - and to top it all off - he made you promise that you wouldn't want more sex more than once a week? That is not - for a lack of a better word - normal. Who does that?
Not working on making it better for you, not working on your relationship after you clearly tried talking about it, it is not your job to solve the riddle that is his noggin. Sprinkling in betraying your trust, and we have ourselves a "goodbye" sandwich. You deserve a healthy relationship where you are desired, and FEEL desired, too. Whatever the case, you need not to waste more effort on him. He can go and be happy with googling fake moronic women who mile in the camera for money. Wish him all the happiness he can buy...

All fair points @PatchouliPrincess , I was just offering an alternative…..every relationship is different and what works for some will never work for others.

Always the easiest answer for a lot of people to say dump him or dump her. Relationships are not perfect and full of problems that needs to be worked on and that's what makes them stronger.
First thing is either he has a very low libido and genuinely doesn't want sex.
Second, he is wanking himself silly or actually getting it elsewhere.
If he is not repulsed by your advances, or can't get hard, or loses his erection whilst you're at it. I think he still fancy you. Worth a sit down to discuss how can you change things around and you are open to trying out different things that he likes to increase the frequency.