Dealing with sexual frustration

[OrientXpress]

I am not referring to myself here but wider human experience. In the media sex is commodified and made to look easy, attractive people effortlessly hook up and have mutually fulfilling intimacy.
However in real life this is only one of many different experiences. I was recently thinking back to a very open conversation with a straight male friend who described his own feelings of contempt and self anger at his own very high sex drive, especially in his 20s. There was no question of buying sex, and porn was nothing like as ubiquitous, so essentially this was a person who described psychological torture where their body and desires went unfulfilled for years and years. Low self esteem, body image issues, chronic shyness, living at home with conservative parents until age 30 all played roles. Clearly there will be straight women and gay people who also experience this. This man became an extremely heavy drinker in an attempt ro drown the frustration. Eventually things changed for him. I just wondered I this scenario is something that needs to be talked about more.

(wrap head in tin foil)

It's social conditioning to control the population by the powers that be.

The point I was trying to make is, it isnt necessarily the fault of the frustrated person that they have a high sex drive, if they have no outlet for it they would probably be happier if they could temporarily or permanently switch it off.

I think it is a problem for the many reasons that affected your friend. I fear will only get worse if society we continues to move into the digital world and away from F2F human interactions.

I also think the question is a can of worms to have any sensible conversation about.

I agree with you that it will affect every form of sexual orientation but I would be very surprised if it did not disproportionately affect straight men more than any other group as in your example.

The worrying part is where the burden lies. In your friends case his drinking will have affected him and maybe his direct loved ones. If the frustration manifested itself in incel behaviours or sexual violence it’s a problem for society as a whole but this time disproportionately women and girls.

Technologies will fill a void. There is a growing market for sex robots toys that interact with other random users and AI companions . I would imagine if drugs like MJ can turn off appetite then it won’t be long before they can turn off all types of responses including desire.

Happier people with good human to human relationships is the answer but the social media /AI Genine is already out of the bottle!

I don’t understand the problem, surely a hand can deal with any sexual frustration? The release is the same.

I thought everybody just did a lot of wanking. I think my record is seven in one day

Part of the difficulty is the language people reach for with this topic. Incel, wanking etc. There seems to be some evidence that porn/AI is indeed replacing some human interactions. We may see a situation where procreation becomes a scientific process separated from the satisfaction of sexual desire. Or as one person mentioned treatments that can reduce sexual desire may become commonplace. Ot I dont know you buy some kimd of neural programme that creates an erotic dream while you are asleep.
I am just trying to have an honest discussion about this. Is a possible future where people dont pursue, flirt, have sex etc. one we want to aim for? Maybe it is, would the end of expressed human desire be a price worth paying for the disappearance (if it happened) of sex crimes, sex work, sexual harassment etc? I think to an extent this has already happened in Japan where men and women live largely separate lives and relationships are now the exception to the norm of singlehood.

I think women, straight or otherwise would experience this to a far lesser degree, largely because they maintain strong social networks and therefore have lots of friends and various activities going on.

However, this type of thing can affect anyone and its important to consider masturbation as a physical release and a fulfilling activity. But the psychological effect of low self-esteem or a lack of body confidence are far more deep-seated problems which in my experience, diminish if cultivatimg friendships.

In regard to conservative parents; he could always move out if affordable.

I think it's never a person's "fault" for having a high sex drive. And we would all like to be able to find a nice partner, or a one night stand if that is your thing, or in the 2020s, a situationship. But if you can't, maybe we need to de-stigmatize escorting a little bit. What's wrong with someone having the desire for oranges and then buying some from the shop? Person selling is happy to sell; person buying is happy to buy, everyone goes home happy.

I don't think anyone is "wrong" for having sexual desires. And I don't think they should lock themselves away until someone decides they are worthy of having sex, which might be never.

Basically I subscribe to the view all rules, laws, everything in life should align to these two basic laws, otherwise they are wrong:

1. Everyone should be free to do whatever they want in pursuit of their own happiness. Literally anything
2. Unless... What they do interrupts someone else's pursuit of, or right to pursuit of, their own happiness.

Think about it.

What you wrote about Japan is really sad.

Men talk about a male loneliness epidemic but thats only going to get worse if men lean even more into online porn and sex dolls and separate living.

We are human beings and need interaction with other humans or it's a lonely life.

The problem with escorts etc is most women who do that have usually had a fucking shit life of abuse and poverty or been trafficked and don't have a choice.

No woman prostitutes themselves because they enjoy a load of sweaty, smelly men, drunk or on drugs shagging them on a daily basis. I can't even imagine what that does to their self esteem. The whole happy hooker thing is an utter myth.

Would you be ok if your daughter, wife or your mother decided to take that up as a career option?

That's been said over and over again. No woman would be an escort out of choice. They're all trafficked.

Some are trafficked, and that's very sad, and wrong, and immoral. But some women do it because they enjoy it, or they like the easy money, short hours, no asshole boss or coworkers. It's their choice.

I think if you're looking to have sex with an escort you could probably go some way to making sure they're not trafficked. If they will speak to you on the phone themselves prior. If they sound happy. If they work out of their own place. If they look well kept and don't look bruised or on any kind of drugs.

If a man does sleep with an escort who is working for themselves, and not being controlled or trafficked, then that hits rule #1 and complies with rule #2

1. Everyone should be free to do whatever they want in pursuit of their own happiness. Literally anything
2. Unless... What they do interrupts someone else's pursuit of, or right to pursuit of, their own happiness.

Can you please link me up to this research that shows all these women who love prostituting themselves? Or how you're going to check they aren't trafficked?

Because if your go-to is if they sound happy on the phone beforehand then that's the biggest load of shit I've read in 2026 😂

And there is only you who has come up with your two step idea, nobody else needs to subscribe to that. If you're sleeping with prostitutes you're literally supporting the trafficking world.

Ha ha go find the indipendent escorts. Tie them to a chair. Ask them, are you trafficked? When they say no, slap them and say Liar! Tell me again, are you trafficked! You'll soon set them straight. You go - put the world to rights. Of course they are all victims, every single one.

You keep supporting trafficking because you can't find women who actually want to have sex with you.

You are lost.

Oh really? So how many escorts have I slept with? And what were their names? You don't know anything about me, with respect.

So don't say that I support anything, unless you have some proof.

Sex is socially conditioned?

I had quite a sad conversation with a guy I met a while back on Feeld and then ‘bumped into’ again on Fab - we’ve not met, but we’ve had lots of conversations about sex. He’s late 40s, good job, funny, intelligent, seems like a decent person, has interests and hobbies, keeps fit, etc - and he thought that would be enough and that he would meet someone, and he just hasn’t. For me - female, mid 50s now (ouch) - it’s reasonably easy to arrange to have sex with someone, my biggest obstacles are time, my dog, family commitments, not finding a bloke! But for him, because there are just more men looking I think, and women are fussier, it’s really difficult. And yes, he has got really good at solo pleasure, but under it all he seems horribly lonely. I suggested getting off the hook up sites and putting concerted effort into actual dating.

It really would be very very unusual for an intelligent, funny, fit, decent looking, solvent, well socialised and emotionally available man not to find any interested women. Is he just looking for a hookup? How long has he been trying? Some men assume that if a woman is on a hookup site, it's fine to talk filth at her and not to make any effort to be seductive or appealing. Doesn't sound like he's doing that, but it's a common thing.

Forget about dating or hook up sites. They're soulless places. Go out, meet people, make friends. Like what we did before the internet. Sex, if it happens will come in due course. If not, then you still have lots of new people to do nice things with. If you don't do that, you'll spend the rest of your life wanking on the sofa.

you'll spend the rest of your life wanking on the sofa.

Don't threaten me with a good time!

Make sure you machine wash that sock on a high temperature! 🤣

🤣

In case it wasn't clear, I'm a woman, so it's potentially worse than you think!

I see...well, be careful with your soft furnishings!

I don't know how unusual it is. I think it's increasing. His work and his hobby both seem quite male dominated, and he's got used to being by himself. He's put the time in on dating apps and joined hookup sites because he thought maybe he could at least get sex! Not that he has.

But it's more that he is just an example of a wider thing rather than trying to pick apart his particular situation.

Caught a bit of today's Antisocial on radio 4 which is talking about all this sort of thing, quite interesting.

About ten years ago, a women I was in a short relationship with told me that she really only joined a dating site to give herself a little confidence boost, not necessarily to meet anyone at all. Completely understandable and just goes to show that people are on dating sites for a multitude of reasons.

Men outnumber women on hookup sites. On Tinder, its around 78% men. I'd say all of them are looking for sex. Women however, are far more nuanced and much fewer in number and if they do want to meet someone, can choose who they want. Therefore, the chances of you meeting anyone, even if you're good-looking, solvent, emotionally available etc etc, are extremely slim even if you put the time in.

Best thing to do is to come off them, stop giving them your money and meet people in a more conventional way.