I do not want sexless marriage with H

[Wsiw71]

H had an "EA" with a strumpet in his late 70s and was also enjoying masturbating whilst watching porn on line and I ignored this. I normally liked sex with him but H had no interest in sex with me. We have stayed together as both oldies. I really would like some sexual contact as I feel we now have no mutual connection. It is really making me unhappy mentally but I don't know how to resolve this. We are both now in late 70s/early 80s. I am sitting here and crying so please don't do a pile on.

I think firstly you should have a conversation with him if you feel you can, to say how you feel and ask if he wants to try to rebuild a sexual relationship with you. And if he doesn't, then like the movie with Emma Thompson, I would suggest you try a male escort. If you're in late 70s early 80s, you don't have decades really to sit on the fence and think about what comes next. Seize your live and your sexual happiness while you can and you will be glad you did.

So sorry to hear that – such a moving post. Are you feeling resigned to that never changing? Or, if you dare hope for change and the possibility of intimacy again, what might that look like?

Have you got a good vibrator? They're not quite the same but they never get bored or tired!

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H had an "EA" with a strumpet in his late 70s and was also enjoying masturbating whilst watching porn on line and I ignored this.

It's sad and sounds as if you have both lost your way with this.

But the first thing that struck me was how you have ignored a couple of issues that could be talking points.

Are you saying that you ignored his emotional affair and also his masturbating/ porn?

Was he doing both openly or did you discover them somehow?
That's quite important. Because if he knows you knew, and didn't mention it, he possibly thinks he can a) carry on regardless and b) doesn't think you care.

Can you talk to him?

I do/did try to talk to him he said he has told me everything. I don't believe he has. I go out to U3A as much as I can, we go out for lunches quite a few times a month, I have friends and neighbours to talk to and laugh. I no longer have any empathy or connection with him and don't particularly trust him. We have nasty rows on occasion. We are not really in a proper caring relationship anymore.

This is sad.
How did you find out about his emotional affair?
Was this online or someone he met in real life?
Did he volunteer this to you or did you find 'evidence' on his phone, pc etc?

Is he actually capable of sex in his 80s? Some men his age need porn to get aroused and can only manage with that and masturbation.

If you aren't connecting out of the bedroom you aren't going to connect sexually, after such a long marriage.

What do you think your options are? (You don't appear to like him much now anyway. )

The only advice I could suggest is you find a man as a friend with benefits, and tell your H you're doing that. Or do it secretly- your call.

Or divorce him.

I saw an email when I had my suspicions. The email changed previous movements. I told him I had seen the email and I knew he had taken this women out on a date in our joint car.

Well, perhaps you should enjoy a date with someone else too. And don’t get caught. Life is really short just do whatever you want to do. He’s hardly been loyal and attentive has he.

So he actually went on a date with the woman?

You say there is no empathy, no connection and you have nasty rows.

Is it realistic to expect your sex life to take off when emotionally you don't connect?

Why would you want sex with him when you feel like this? He doesn't even sound like a nice person.

I'm sorry but I don't think it's even a good idea to pursue the idea of sex with him when you appear not to even like him.

That leaves you with a few options -

• divorce (but if he's in his 80s is it worth the effort?) and set yourself free to meet someone else.
• find a man as a FWB (online dating sites for older people.)
• pleasure yourself
• accept that your sex life has come to an end and enjoy life in other ways.

Which of these is the best in your opinion?

Yes he did "date". They would arrange to meet every week, then one Friday night I found the email that said he would pick her up at home and take her to a venue and take her back after! The route they always took was a road through a forest, which had some car parks for walkers(!) to use. It was the change of day that made me suspicious.

Okay so he's had an affair.

Why do you think it was an emotional affair (assuming that is what you meant in your first post)?H had an "EA" with a strumpet in his late 70s

This must have been some years ago as you say he's now in his 80s.

The question is what you are going to do now.

You don't seem to like or love him so why do you want to have sex with him?

Are you upset at being 'rejected' more than anything?

I think the first question you need to address is whether you actually want to have sex with your husband. Given the current state of your marriage, it sounds as if that ship has sailed and it will be nigh-on impossible to reignite the passion in your marriage.

If you cannot envisage a future where you have sex with DH, the second question is whether you want to have sex with someone else. If so, there are ways to make this happen.

In your shoes, I’d take a lover. My ex-MIL had a French lover in her 80s and had a whale of a time. But I appreciate that may be a daunting prospect for you if you are lacking confidence.

How do expect to have a sex life with someone you clearly don’t care about

Looking at this from his side why would he want to have sex with you when your posts show you appear to despise him?

You can't realistically demand sex just because you want it, if your relationship is in tatters anyway. It's not going to work.

If you want to re-invent your sex life with him, there's a lot of work needs doing by both of you to create a more loving relationship first.