Exploring adding other people into our sex life

[PonderPONDERponder]

My husband and I have been married for nearly 20 years, we are both in our early 40s and have a secure and fairly happy relationship.

We have a good sex life, a few ups and downs following the arrival of a baby (which is fair enough) but other than that we have very satisfying sex. The only thing we didn’t really match on is me leaning submissive and him not really being into exploring that area of sex - which I have never pushed.

During sex we have both over the years talked about others being involved and we’ve both enjoyed it but nothing much comes from it. The last time we spoke about it we ended up having significantly more sex and the discussion about others being present has spilled over into our regular conversation.

I think I’d like to perhaps explore this more but I wouldn’t want to destroy our relationship with just something that makes us hornier while already horny, if you see what I mean?
I also know adding in someone else or multiple people comes in lots of different varieties and my mind feels a bit boggled about it.

Has anyone engaged in therapy or sorts to help discover if this is something that should be explored outwardly or kept as a fun fantasy between the two of you? Or am I being ridiculously cautious?

I suppose there is no real question here and I’m more thinking out loud than anything. Is there perhaps anything to read that isn’t too grubby that can talk about this world we find ourselves wondering about?

We went down this road; mainly because of my ED. Its a double edged sword but whilst it perhaps didn't make us a stronger couple, we are more honest with each other. It's now been four years or so and overall it's been a good thing for us.

Thank you for your reply, it’s a big thing for me be vulnerable about.

Can I ask how you reached a point where you were certain it was right for both of you?

It started during lockdown. My partner was message men online to amuse hrrself. It caused some cinflict but she said that the lack of sex between us was a problem. I have ED periodically so that was a factor in alk of this. Cut a long story short, we agreed that she could continue messaging and over that time she befriended one of them who lived in Kent and it went from there. We spoke at length as to what she wanted and she admitted wanted sex with him and that's where we are with it. He visits about once a month or so.

This is something my wife and I have fantasised about. She likes the idea of dp and I have many fantasy scenarios where she ends up getting it in various ways. We share fantasies during sex which is very hot. I have thought casually about what it would mean to actually have someone else involved. She thinks it should just stay a fantasy. We both agree that in our fantasy, the men she is sleeping with don't have names, or faces particularly and they don't try flirt with her and stuff - if you make it real, it would be very different from the fantasy. I think the closest might be paying for a male escort, and then the second that they are done pleasing my wife they could slip out the room, and jump in an uber. Definitely don't want some person who will know her socials or phone number and be flirting with her; that's the worst case scenario. And even with a professional you have to worry about STDs and stuff. It all gets a bit real. I'd say at the moment I'm maybe 80-85% in favour of a fantasy staying a fantasy.

I've been the third leg, so to speak. What worked well, and it did work for them and I, was absolutely clear and honest communication between all of us beforehand. We set out clearly what we wanted and more importantly, didn't want and we built up trust all round during that. We didn't know each other beforehand and I think that worked better for them than choosing a friend.

it's perfectly possible as long as your marriage is as strong as you think it is; after all it is just sex!

Yeah that's the thing, as long as it is just sex. Sometimes people have sex and then form emotional connections, one sided or reciprocal. Both my wife and I have no interest in having anyone else in our relationship. While it might be a thrill to see her squirt with someone very attractive, the only appealing aspect would be the sex and we would require them to pretty much cease to exist from our world after that. But things don't always go so cleanly with people.

A couple I know went through stages before letting a third person in.

A voyeuristic approach being listened to, then being watched, then living out the fantasy by being picked up in hotel bar..

I am always completely puzzled when people say it's fine as long as it stays "only sex" as long as it doesn't become flirting or anything like that. The order of things is what makes me not see sense, I guess. Not judging, as long as nobody is hurt, and everyone is happy, I will not yuck anyone's yum...

One thing I would say though, I know a few people who have tried this, quite a lot of them regretted it, some of those who regretted it ended up separating, too. I am not saying that it would lead down that way for you too... But there is one thing that is apparent to me. If at least one of you is even slightly apprehensive, or has worries of any kind, bigger or smaller, that will more likely fester into a problem down the road. That is what I have deduced based on what I've seen of people I personally know. Does that make any sense? When both people are 100% in without having any worries, that's when I can see something like this work.

The topic itself is fascinating to me, given how far my and my wife's interests are from something like this... I would never do anything like this, honestly, would rather chop my own arm off than going through with, and I am glad my wife has no interest in this either... Ironically, I can see myself take part in a group fun in a hypothetical scenario, where I do not have a wife, living a single man's life, and I end up being the 'third'. But not as a married guy who subscribes to monogamy in every shape and form.

I guess this is also why I am not a fan of people looking at it as "well, if your relationship is that strong" - because I think that is no way to measure the outcome of something like that. So, people - like me - who would not like to share their spouse with others have a weaker relationship? It's odd to me. I guess it's again down to personal preferences only and what each individual's comfort zone is. To me, sex is the ultimate form of intimacy with DW where it's just us. For some, it's "just" sex.

It's for sure though - once someone goes through with it, that can never be undone. Even if down the line someone decides it's not for them and stop, can't put the lid back on that. So, I'd just say make sure there are no lingering worries of any uncertainty... Otherwise it could fester into something that is too late to reverse from. (not saying it always does, mind you).

I would also guess that once the third wheel has had their fun and wiped their cock on the curtains and left they're not too worried about any fall out afterwards.

I think, on balance... my wife is so beautiful, and her body is pretty much perfect in every way... so given that, I probably wouldn't want to share her with anyone. And she says this is probably best left as a fantasy, so I see more costs associated with opening the pandora's box than rewards. It's a hell of a fantasy and I love talking about scenarios with my wife, and it certainly makes her orgasm harder (the brain is a big part of female sexuality), but for us I think it will just remain our little fantasy.

That makes sense @snrubb , I think I understand that level. One thing is for sure, it is an amazing thing to be open with fantasies with our spouses. (Funnily, couldn't help but notice how you say 'probably' often.. Are you unsure whether it would stay purely a fantasy?)

Well, never say never I guess… but for now I think my wife and I have lots more exciting things to try and explore between ourselves and there is no rush to go there and do that, especially when it comes with so many complications and risks

Thanks everyone for your opinions and perspective. I value you taking your time out to share.
I’m not judging anyone’s relationship if this isn’t something you’d like to do, I honestly couldn’t give a fuck. 🤷‍♀️

Sorry yes my comment(s) were maybe a bit of a distraction. You have the floor. I meant no judgement on you of course.

same here OP - no judgement, just chit-chatting :)

What I would say is that once that aspect of your relationship is open; its practically impossible to close it off again if it's not for you.

Fundamentally this is about you both. What are your fantasies? Do you want to have sex involving others? If you both want to then do it . Life is short. If one isn't keen then shelve it. Talk , discuss, and if you are of similar minds act on it

We found the idea exciting and talked about it a lot, met a couple of men for a drink but didn't take it any further. Then we started going to swingers clubs - ideal environment imo for finding a "stunt cock" (or pussy) to get involved, without any thought or concern of a relationship blossoming. That stopped because he died, but it certainly didn't sour our relationship in any way, we were stupidly in love.

I would highly recommend you check out Intimacy Matters Colin is very knowledgeable and professional he will give a very intimate sensual massage with you present in the room , he has a studio in Chelsea and over 20 years experience, this way you can experience a third party without any real risk .
The very worst way it’s just a very intimate massage and no real regrets afterwards

That wouldn’t work for me. The “cease to exist”. When I meet couples we have a good chat and drinks first. Same afterward. I may see them again. Might be in a years time, but often again. I wouldn’t buy into your idea of a meet.

Another shout out for Colin. Very experienced and a nice guy.

That's an interesting idea, massage. I suppose if we ever wanted to explore that, we could look through male escorts and hire one 'just for a massage'. That gives us both plausible deniability and no conscious decision to actually go to a certain place. And then on the day, what happens, happens.

Would have to be someone she thought was hot though, and she was excited to get a massage from

Fascinating. How an intimate massage is different from just having sex with someone else is beyond me... Conceptually, the point is sexual pleasure for both.

Another vote for Colin at Intimacy Matters. He’s amazing! Highly recommend.

However, it sounds like you’re leaning more towards a scenario where another man or couple join you in the bedroom. So you both get to enjoy the experience.

DP and I are in an ENM relationship. It’s taken careful navigation and lots of brutally honest communication. There’s been a few ups and downs but we’re in a good place with it.

We started out on Killing Kittens, chatting in the groups with others who were much more experienced. Got lots of excellent advice and guidance. Did some webinars about jealousy and insecurity. Read The Ethical Slut.

We made lots of friends who were at a similar stage as us, so it wasn’t too daunting to invite them round as they were nervous too. We started with soft swap, then full swap, in the same room, then separate rooms. Then having solo dates.

DP isn’t as sadistic as I’d like so he’s happy to “outsource” that to someone else. 🤣