Premature ejaculation making things tough

[Louisa1980s]

Me and DH are late 30s... together 20 years and this has always been the same.
He cannot last more than 5 minutes before he cums. And that is not 5 minutes or sex... that's very very stop start! He will be in me for maybe 30 seconds, pull out. Calm himself down. We go again.
I've always been so understanding but I've never ever had an orgasm through penetration from him, and I know the reason is because it's over too fast. I only cum through foreplay.
He is insecure about it and I feel bad for him, but how do we move on? I love him so much but the more the years go on, the more frustrated and dissatisfied I'm beginning to feel :(

Surely the second time takes longer?

20 years is a long time to have unsatisfying sex with someone you love, so I feel for you.. I feel for you both, actually. It would destroy me if I wasn't able to perform and satisfy the woman I love.

Is there anything he tried to address this? Either trying to train himself to last longer, or using some sort of accessory that could make him last longer? Also, not sure how openly you talk about everything, but is he watching/masturbating to a lot of porn, maybe?

How do you manage this, especially given how it has been an issue for so long?

If it's been like this for 20yrs, the neural pathways that control his orgasms will be pretty strong. If things are going to change, it's going to take time and work. Rehabilitation from chronic injury doesn't happen overnight, and this would not be dissimilar.

And don't get hung up on rhe fact that you never orgasm from PIV. The received wisdom is that most women don't. So you're actually normal! Foreplay can be great sex too.

There are ways to deal with PE and there are plenty of therapists, books and podcasts that can help you find that information, if you BOTH want to. What you'll BOTH need is compassion for eachother, communication, and commitment to the cause.

@exhaustDAD Assuming you name is indicative of your gender, I'm genuinely disappointed that men are getting on the porn as a cause of sexual dysfunction bandwagon.

@mnmnddddd The assumption is correct, the first half, at least. I am generally avoiding bandwagons as a whole, you make it sound like I went "yup, porn". It was just a legitimate question about circumstances, as I do not know OP or her partner... Just one amongst other 3-4 questions to get a better understanding, is all. It's like in a given scenario if I am asked whether I drink alcohol, I don't go into a monologue of how cliché it is to think that a dad in his late 30s has to drink, I just simply say "no".

@exhaustDAD makes a valid point though. Most men who masturbate to porn do not take hours to orgasm. Instead it’s a quick relief that often takes less than 5-10 minutes. Therefore, the body/mind gets used to quick orgasms and this then translates to PE in real life sexual encounters.

that said, if you have the patience and will power, masturbating (either with or without porn) can also do the opposite and you can train yourself to last longer, as long as you are able and willing to use your hand for 30+ minutes.

Also, Men’s orgasms were designed to be quick. The only real function in the early days of human existence was to procreate, and procreate before attacked by predators or other humans.

@Louisa1980s i used to have terrible PE, often less than a minute and it was horrible, for both me and any partner. I began edging , used numbing cream and trained myself to stay hard after I orgasmed so I could continue. It wasn’t a short fix but it worked.

@Smithey588 - I know I might as well google this, but I value first-hand experiences. I hope you don't mind the blunt question, but I never knew you can train to stay hard after orgasming, is that a known technique that I somehow never heard of? I know it sounds like I am asking for tips, I don't think I am in trouble (I hope), but it is fascinating to hear about something like this.

As long as I’m still turned on and having a good time I stay hard after finishing and sometimes finish again, always been that way. Guess I’m just lucky I don’t know?

@Jasonp86 sure, it makes sense that way, I was just surprised at the training aspect @Smithey588 mentioned. Never knew people can do that.

Has he actually seeked out any treatment for this ?
Delay condoms or topical anaesthetic cream ?
Priligy or Paroxertine etc ?

I feel your pain OP, and be reassured you are not alone, it's very very common. In my experience (15 years or so), finding a "cure" so to speak for your man's PE is going to be unlikely as it's probably what's known as primary premature ejaculation.

Managing it on the other hand is possible, and these are the things we've tried and how they've worked (or not).

Stop and go technique: frustrating and pretty ineffective

Delay condoms: Totally useless for us.

Delay Spray: A slight improvement, but requires application then showering off before sex so it it doesn't desensitise you.

Prilogy: Actually pretty good, nearly double the stamina. However not useful for spontaneous fun as requires about an hour or so notice for him to take it and work. Also not cheap. But....it's amplified by combining with Sildenafil when round two becomes particularly fun

Sleeves/Strap on's: Work really well if he can swallow his pride to embrace it. The sleeves in particular allow you to explore different shapes and sizes and the thickness means he feels much less.

Consensual Non-monogamy: Ultimate fix, but unlikely to be an option? 😂

@Louisa1980s
Have you tried using those condoms with gel that slows him down? We use the Durex "mutual pleasure" condoms for this very reason. They have some kind of mild anaesthetic. We also noticed that the Durex ones work well but the Boots don't. Every person is different.

Also, some men last much less without condoms.

You could also try giving him a handjob first (or whatever works for you), then, while he's recovering, ask him to "play" with you (finger, tongue, toys, whatever rocks your boat). Many men tend to last longer the second time, but recovery time varies a lot from person to person. I suspect it increases with age but I don't know for sure.

Another thing you could try is to "train" him with slow teasing and masturbation. E.g. is tie and tease, tease and denial etc anything you could both like?
You could start by first making him come relatively quickly, then slowly increasing the time. So maybe today you make him come in 2 minutes, but in 2 months you make him come in 10. Ask me how I know :)

Of course I get it that these things are hugely subjective, YMMV, not everything is everyone's cup of tea, etc

Perfectly written. Definitely try tease and denial @Louisa1980s . Even if it doesn't work for him it's lots of fun and the power is a rush. For us it helped mr last longer when I masturbated him, but due to the constant tease as soon as it went further he was actually quicker!

Clearly I'm not as skilled as @CForCake

One more thing: if visual stimulation is too much for him, maybe try turning the lights off?

As with anything, YMMV: irrelevant for some people, it can make a difference for others.

What is your reaction if he comes too soon?
You want him to understand it's an issue for you, but you don't want him to feel so stressed that you make things work and add anxiety on top of anxiety. Tricky balance to strike.

If he cums after 30 seconds, he does it after 30 seconds. But, use a cock ring. It’s a rubber ring thing he puts around the base of his dick and then it keeps him very hard, even after orgasm. So when he cums, fine, but he can keep going. And you can have an orgasm too.

My husband usually cums quickly, probably a couple of minutes and we both wish it was a bit longer. He has tried Priligy and this really works and he lasts over 10 minutes on this. He has also tried Viagra which doesn't slow him down at all but, as @ruddiger has mentioned, he stays hard so can keep going even after he has cum, so this is useful too.