Questioning if I'll ever find the right fit

[Elixir86]

I just need to vent for a moment (and please, no private messages, I’m really not looking for that here.)

I’m looking for something without pressure but consistent, as I feel like I completely missed out on learning and exploring sexually when I was younger. I didn’t date, didn’t get to figure myself out, and then I ended up in a marriage where I didn’t feel safe enough to open up or communicate. In a lot of ways, I feel emotionally and sexually behind where I “should” be.

I’m try to be very open and honest on dating apps about what I want, and that’s the part that’s breaking me a bit. I can meet people who say they want more than I do, or who say they want the same thing, and it always ends the same way: a few dates, sex, and then they’re gone.

Tonight really got to me. I genuinely thought I’d found someone with the same intentions. We connected, we laughed, it felt easy. Obviously once we slept together, suddenly it was “we’re not a fit.” and "I think I want something less than you" and "I'm just being honest that we don't match physically".

I’m not even upset about him specifically or the sex itself. It didn't give me what I needed and ranked fairly low.
What hurts is the pattern. No matter how careful or honest I try to be, I still end up feeling used and disposable. It makes me start questioning if I’m the problem, maybe I’m just not good enough in bed for anyone to want to come back.

And the cruel part is, how am I supposed to learn, grow, or gain confidence when no one sticks around long enough for that to even be possible?

It just feels really heavy and discouraging to be dealing with this at my age and like I'll never experience great sex.

Firstly, there are good men out there and some of them are good in bed. Some of them are interesting, some are entertaining, some are kind and some are even rich, generous, good looking and want a consistent, unpressured relationship. But each time we add one of these criteria, the part of the Venn diagram we're looking for gets smaller. Dating apps are engineered to make us think there's a quicker shortcut to finding perfect matches than is actually realistic.

Just like the good old days, you still have to kiss some frogs. Most of us had our hearts broken a dozen times in our teens and 20s, and it's not unreasonable to expect the same will happen at your age. But I think the difference is that swipe-culture and, perhaps, the misplaced "wisdom" of middle age, encourage us to jump into bed sooner, dreaming that you've found The One. (Or maybe that was just me? 😲)

It's not clear whether you or your partner was saying "I think I want something less than you," nor what "more" would be. In the context that you feel inexperienced, that may be significant.

There's more subtext than detail here, but maybe, if sexual growth is the omelette you want to make, maybe you just need to be comfortable when eggs get broken, and learning and experience should be the focus. With a FWB (or three) you might not find Prince Charming, but you might have a dammed good shag?
[T&C apply. Your self esteem can go up as well as down. Always use a condom.]

Last night didn't kill you, so I hope it made you stronger.

Might be an idea to join a gym or sports group or hobby to find your ideal partner. Instead of using dating sites if you are using them.

@mnmnddddd thanks for the reply.
I didn’t think he was “the one,” but I hoped for something consistently fun. What bothered me was what he said after sex, checking that I knew he wanted something super casual. Saying it then, not before, showed his character. I wasn’t emotionally invested, but it triggered that familiar “here we go again” feeling. He then started to come out with the "I just don't feel we physically matched" lines, which is just him throwing words at it to make himself feel better for lying about his intentions.

He’d implied he wanted something consistent. We talked in detail about what we wanted, he sent photos of food he was cooking and talked about making it for me. That’s not super casual, so I see now it was just a way to get close. I usually spot those types early, so it threw me that he slipped through. I guess I took a bit of a risk on him and it didn't pay off.

I'd show you some of the men I've dated and I think you'd see that my Venn should be quite big haha. They aren't all good looking, haven't all had decent careers, none have been rich or generous. I very much strip it back to basics because of what I'm hoping for from them. If I'm too specific then the chances dramatically diminish.

After a long bad marriage and years of dating with no progress, I’d just like one egg not to crack immediately. I don’t know if I need to change how I communicate or respond. Hearing how easily others find a regular FWB does make you question yourself and I feel in a cycle of I can't learn if I don't have someone to try with, but no one is keen to try because I haven't learnt. I guess I don't know how to break that.

I’ll move on, I’m fine. The sex wasn’t even good, so it’s not about him specifically, just the repeating pattern. And if it’s only going to be one night, can it at least be amazing so it feels worth the effort?!

@mbonfield i don't really have any interests or hobbies that align with what males would do. They'd be highly female heavy so wouldn't be helpful in finding dates. And I can't afford a gym or the time to go as there isn't one close to me.

Maybe don't be so hard on last night's date. Maybe he was optimistic and just trying to find out what was enough between you - figure out what compromises worked. It's hard to say "you're not what I want", so "we're not a fit" feels a kinder way to shoot someone down. If he's learning what shape he wants a relationship, is that so different from you learning about what sex you like?
(Or maybe he's an arse!)

If the sex wasn't great for you, it quite possibly wasn't for him. The take away should be that you weren't compatible and you now know yourself better. For some, good sex only comes with repetition and learning a partner: just-one-night, mind-blowing, breaking-the-bed is a lot to hope for. (FWIW I'm crap at being this philosophical anout my own relationships. 🤣)

I don't know how easy FWBs are. They were easy when I was younger, but I suspect I'd find them harder now. Reading the internet, they sound like they fit what more middle aged people are comfortable with, but I'm looking at that from a different life stage, with divorce being more common, sexual ambitions being higher and the internet being more (mis)informative. So basically, what the do I know!?

Good luck!

Thanks @mnmnddddd

Yes, I need consistency I think so don't expect my mind to be blown for a first time (that's the dream though right haha).

I guess I found his way of talking like he was throwing reasons out there. They all felt rather flimsy so I am 100% sure now that he had zero intention of more than one night with me before we even got to this point.
The idea of him not feeling we matched sexually.....
The sex was over fairly quickly, he led (which is what I was very clear I'm looking for and he claimed he was looking for that dynamic also), I got involved and he gave no direction or guidance for anything more he wanted from me plus he got his end.
Guess for a first time I'm not sure what else he thinks is required.
And yes, I've had better (I actually got no pleasure from it other than he was a good kisser) so again it's less about him more the way it seems to unfold.
Slightly differently each time as I try and choose different types of men, different personalities, looks, look for different cues, I'll be reserved about my preferences or very open and forthcoming about them, some i have multiple dates with, others much fewer, but each result falls to the exact same pattern.

I'll learn from it. I think I've learned from the ones who have gone before I just seem to find different pitfalls each time so the cycle seems relentless.
You'd think that blokes would be on board with easy consistent sex with an intelligent and averagely attractive female who doesn't want a relationship with them.

I was in a similar situation to you and didn’t get the opportunities I should have took younger and I think the key is just time and experimenting. Stick to yourself and focus on what you want, I’ve got to a point where I’m not bothered about numbers, I’m a grown adult and I love sex and I’ve been so unhappy for so long that I just don’t care anymore, the thought of multiple partners previously would have made me feel a bit uneasy but now as long as I get what I’m looking for, the person I’m with gets what they’re looking for and we have a good time and connect I don’t feel it matters anymore.
but don’t just settle, if you have a particular thing your searching for and that will make you happy and satisfied then keep searching until you are happy and satisfied, life’s too short to be miserable and unsatisfied. Good luck with everything

You'd think that blokes would be on board with easy consistent sex with an intelligent and averagely attractive female who doesn't want a relationship with them.

Sorry for your situation.

I suspect they don't believe that they can have an ongoing sexual relationship without it becoming a LTR, or at least they think that's what you're really looking for. It's quite typical for women to say they're after no strings fun when really they want more. (And I don't doubt men claim the opposite to get what they want, too.)

@Jasonp86 yes, I'm much less caught up on numbers. And try not to see anyone as a mistake. I make any decision in good faith and I think I'm like you that I feel like it's just sex. I wonder if that comes with age that you realise it's just biology and bodies. As long as you feel safe and comfortable in that moment.

I guess I'm clear in my head that I'm unlikely to get what i need from sex consistently until I've managed to learn a bit more about myself with another person. Once I've figured out how they can support my needs I can play that forward with others and then I'll probably have a great time. At the moment it just feels like a barrage of firsts where I learn about my choices, how to read people better, but nothing about sex.
I find it's very different solo to with someone and I am very competent on my own haha.

@DannyDeever i see your point. I think it's hard to know if feelings can develop because you don't really control them. But the type of men I go for are ones that I don't see as having long term potential. Either age wise they are at a different point, they may claim to want kids (I'm done on that front), they may not have stable work, don't have their own homes, don't have the characteristics for me to introduce to my kids or be a step parent somewhere along the line etc.
Most are just "I find attractive", "taller", "can make good conversation" and "don't live too far"
I think that gives me the best chance to avoid an outcome with feelings, but if I did and it wasn't reciprocated I'd let go. Im not the type who needs to be "blocked" because she sends lots of messages. Although, I guess they don't know that.

And I definitely find men almost always put they are after long or short term relationships and actually the word "relationship" should be miles away haha.

@Elixir86 I haven't really been "dating" so to speak, ever. All my relationships (haven't been a lot, been together with my wife since university) have been organically grown, lol, like some accidentally dropped tomato seed that ended up bearing fruit. So, I can only consider what I see first-hand from people around me, friends, family, people at work, focussing on our age group (based on the number at the end of your username, you and I are the same age).

So, the way I see it, it never, not once is it worth drawing conclusions and generalisations, ever. By that I mean, is that we are all so very different individuals, so there is no point taking what you learned about one person and have that influence how you will look at the next one. I have seen this so many times happen - for simplicity's sake, I will take an extreme example: A lot of women I know get fed up, and with one brush stroke conclude that they are sick of men, they are all clumsy, they all want one thing only, or that they are cheaters, liars, etc, to name a few. Now, I do not suggest that you are giving off this vibe, at all. Just using it as an example. So, just because Joe, John and Tom treated you badly, does not mean Jim will, too. But even if Jim treats so bad, does not mean Mike will, too. (treating you bad, being bad communicators, tricking you, or being crappy in bed, whatever it is...) I could go on, but no matter how many men we queue up, one thing is constant: it will never ever mean that their flaws or mistakes have anything to do with someone who might come your way after them. So my main advice would be to try and avoid conclusions, maybe forget about types? Do not get me wrong, it is healthy to have preferences, we all do :) I do not mean objective truths...It is a 100% good to outline things you couldn't be on board with, so that is not what I am trying to get at. My point is to not think too much about boxing them or analysing people's motives retrospectively, because at the end of the day, you will never know 100%, they are the only ones who do. For example, your last guy - whether he was genuine in the beginning, meant well, then changed his mind for whatever reason, got cold feet, felt insecure about sex, ended up not vibing with your pheromones on a chemical level, or had someone else in mind he would rather be with, randomly decided to be on his own, or heck, out of the blue decided to disappear from our modern society and become a monk in Tibet, matters very little.

I would try to look at it from this point of view - yes it sucks that it went nowhere, it sucks that the promise of a potential good thing was there, BUT, isn't it a lot better to have it end in the earlier stages rather than getting more serious, investing even more time only to fall flat in that stage, years wasted?

I would just say, be yourself, stick to what is important to you, and you might bump into someone who will want exactly the same things from life as you... Or shares most of them, making new ones together,...And who knows, even be a more compatible sex partner for you. Anything is possible.

I think it may be an age thing, I’ve realised that sex is perfectly natural and if you enjoy it then just go for it and it find what excites you, what you enjoy, feel good and just have a good time and stay safe obviously and I’ve just stopped caring what others think and I’ve become a lot happier and confident for it

Thanks @exhaustDAD thats very eloquently put. And you are right. I probably naturally place ownership on myself as it's easier to feel like you have some control over things, but in reality you don't.
I suppose I also have friends who make comments like "well what did you expect when you went for someone x or y" so it probably reinforces the narrative that it is something I am doing.

I'll definitely try to keep it all in mind. I move past it all fairly quickly I think. He'll very quickly just become part of the journey and form some hilarious narrative later down the line as i recall some nuance of his behaviour and say "remember that bloke who....." and laugh about it. He wasn't an awful person, just caught me off guard I guess and I suppose I felt rather foolish in hindsight. I was more open than usual about my intentions as thought it might bring a more favourable outcome, but I was comfortable making them at the time and I doubt it had any impact on what happened.

And you're right that just because he behaved in any particular way doesn't mean someone else is the same and I should see everyone as individuals. I expect I do look at people through learned past behaviours and that's probably saved me from a lot of bad experiences but maybe kept me from some good ones.

I see your point. I think it's hard to know if feelings can develop because you don't really control them. But the type of men I go for are ones that I don't see as having long term potential. Either age wise they are at a different point, they may claim to want kids (I'm done on that front),

You sound bloody perfect!

Perhaps a different approach.

1, Emotionally mature
2, Older
3, Independent
4, Confident
5, Self Confident

*5, Self Esteem

@Mysticguru ive attempted to tick those boxes previously but find that it takes time to fully gauge emotional maturity, any older ones I've come into contact with so far seem to be unable to support my independence (or remind me of my dad), most are confident otherwise conversation doesn't flow and self esteem is the same. Fairly sure they've all had good self esteem. If that point is more for me then that flexes which I don't think is a suprise.
I just find those are unrealistic expectations for someone to have regular sex with and culls over 90% of the dating pool.

Oh I think you know the emotionally intelligent men as soon as you've been with them for a while. The way they hold themselves, the way they dress, the way they order food, the way they eat, the manicured nails and the way the conversation flows., There's a presence about them, their self confidence that comes with a cheeky smile and twinkle in their eye.

I was referring to their self esteem BTW not yours.

@Mysticguru I'd like to think most of the men I've been with tick those boxes. They usually present as well dressed, polite, engaging, conversation flows, laughter, eye contact, they ask questions, respond to my physical cues etc.

Theres probably some who I definitely lowered my requirements for in the earlier days but I tend to cull any post date that don't fit the above now I've learnt a bit more.

@Mysticguru Manicured nails is a sign of an motionally intelligent man? I wish someone had told me that a little sooner!🤔

@Elixir86 It is not a bad thing to keep ownership close to yourself, a lot of people ease into the lack of self-awareness and fall down the other side of the horse - you know, the perpetual "I am a victim, everyone is always against me"- types. So I think you have the right mindset in being in charge of your own life - so to speak :) As long as you are true to yourself, you can't go wrong, whatever it means. And I love the attitude of this being part of your journey.

@Mysticguru By their manicured nails, and how they dress? Uh-oh, I thought emotional intelligence is about emotional intelligence only, nobody gave me memo that I would need to express it through manicures. I do not claim to be emotionally intelligent, I believe it is not up to me to decide, but the people I interact with.. But I have to tell you, as long as they are clean, and maintained to not overgrow, I couldn't care less about my nails, or the way I dress either.

@exhaustDAD i didn't want to say that I don't have manicured nails and sometimes my dress sense is overly casual but I'm fairly sure my emotional intelligence is pretty high.

After experiencing a difficult relationship, I don’t want his behavior to define me. I want it to be just one part of my journey, therefore it means everything that follows is too. My hope is that, in the end, I'm at peace with wherever life takes me. Whether that’s on my own or with someone by my side, I think it's important to hold onto the belief that until I'm content this isn't all that's left for me.

@Elixir86 Haha, I hear you re: nails and clothes.
I think you've got it right - I see it way to often amongst single friends that they are so obsessed over finding someone that their own sense of self can get very lost in this - I always suggest to maybe learn to like themselves, get to know themselves instead of expecting to world to fill those gaps by some person who may or may not present themselves... I don't know, I often get snarky comments that it's easy for me to talk when I am happily married, having found the woman who makes me happy in a young age.. But, I don't expect her to fill in my gaps...uhm..that came out wrong... I am not lost and useless without her, she is not and lost without me either. So your approach of being at peace with things is the good stuff, especially while still taking the journey on and seeing where it leads you. I have a very good feeling about you and your journey OP, you will find what makes you happy and content - with that attitude, definitely.