How much is enough?

[mumof2andahalfkids]

My husband and I have very different views on sex and frequently - his drive is greater than mine (we’re both mid-30s), and we have a 3 year old son but looking to try for another soon. The last 3 years have seen frequency drop a lot. My husband works away and on shifts, so when we’ve spoken about it, he says a reasonable, realistic view would be once per week, but even still, I’m not sure. How often does everyone else do it?

I'm sensing you'd be happier with less, but I may be wrong. I'd also guess that your husband's suggestion of once a week takes into account the stresses of working and having a small child: he'd like more but will 'settle' for once a week. 'Settle' is not really the right word - 'be delighted with' might be better. If my wife and I had sex once a week, I'd be in heaven and we would be much more connected. All this (apart from the previous sentence) is just my opinion, of course.

The average is once a week.

it wouldn't be enough for me personally

Once a week!*?
I would resent it being rationed.
Surely you want one nice long slow romantic one and a quickie or two and one 'good seeing to'.

Seven times a day Seven days a week would be nice.

One thing I learned from my marriage is that no matter how many articles you read about "healthy amount" and official statistics, it just varies from person-to-person. I (38 M) have a higher sex drive than my wife (37 F), I'd be happy if we could have some form of intimacy every second day consistently, even if it's not the mind-blowing, ground-shaking classic kind every time.. But in general, my wife is in the mood once every week...sometimes less, 1-2 times every 2-2.5 weeks, and occasionally getting spells of sex that means almost every day for about 2 weeks straight. We also have two kids, so there are a lot of factors that can shape our circumstances... At one point I was obsessed with making the most out of times when our kids are away, but that didn't always align with my wife being in the mood, so I learned that scheduling is not the answer, although a lot of parents swear by it, i think.. My point is, there is no definite right amount. Whatever feels right to you, and him, together - without anyone being frustrated about it. What would be your preference? And what does your husband think about your preferred number? I would also mention here my wife's view on this topic - she hates it when we talk about it in numbers, she thinks it cheapens it like it was some chore or box that needs ticking within a certain deadline... :)

1-4 times a week. Maybe next week none-but the week after 4. Can never predict 😂

Wife 36 and me 40 last did it in July, previous to that was November 2023 then April 2022 not that I’m counting. Truthfully it’s a problem and it’s heart breaking and isolating. One of the main problems is we have let it become such a big problem. We lost the ability to talk about it or even consider we are sexual people. We can’t even comfortably watch a sex scene on TV. I can honestly see separate beds in our future. Fix it soon and I don’t mean give in I mean don’t let it get too bad and make sure you communicate.

I am not sure that quoting this sort of statistic is very helpful. It varies enormously by situation with the following having significant effect:
Age
Relationship status
Children situation
Career responsibility
Overall health & weight

As a result a couple, with health issues and in their 50s maybe down to once every couple of months whilst a childless couple in their 20s could be daily.

Doing a bit of research and quoting something similar for the OP's situation would, however, be helpful.

There is no such thing as average.

id be happy with whatever my partner was happy with, so long as we were still connected and didn’t Go weeks without any kind of intimacy.

Truthfully, I’d like it most days, Luckily my DP has similar views so it’s very regular and frequent, although we don’t have children so I’m in a very different scenario to most on here.

I’ve had exes who weren’t interested in sex and we went months without, and others where they hit the roof if we didn’t have sex every day!

'How much is enough?' is a very individual thing, as you can see with you and your husband.

Not sure once a week is quite going to cut it if you're ttc, tbh.

Thing is, you both have to find a way forwards that you're both happy with. Of course you shouldn't have sex when you don't want to, but equally it sounds like he will be unhappy if it is very infrequent.

What's your idea of what would work for you in terms of quantity, OP?

I can honestly see separate beds in our future.

DP and I have separate beds but if anything this is a boon to our sex life — it means we are more mindful about “conjugal visits”.

Fix it soon and I don’t mean give in I mean don’t let it get too bad and make sure you communicate.

However we do have good communication which I agree is key.