Full transparency

[Billylosthiswilly]

Name changed for this one but I'm a long time lurker and occasional poster on the forum.

I originally came on here as there were lots of threads about sexless marriages. My husband recently spoke to me and said he was really struggling with the lack of sex in our marriage over a few year period. For context we have children age 8 and 10, both work and have pretty busy lives.

At times we had dipped to sex/sexual contact once every three months but on average probably once a month. He said he was internally going mad and it started to take over his thoughts so it was all he could think about. Then he became more of a sex pest which is not a turn on for anyone.

In honesty, I'm just a lot less bothered about sex than he is! I get an orgasm every time and he takes time to make sure I have an orgasm even though I don't often have one from PIV sex. Probably once a month and occasionally a bit more is enough for me. However, he was climbing up the walls.

He's asked if he can masturbate in bed before sleep a couple of nights a week. Its totally up to me whether I join in etc and there is no pressure. Last night I wasn't in the mood and he was and he just quietly sorted himself out before bed. He says this makes him feel better as he still can think about me and feels connected and isn't sneeking round the house to sort himself out. He says his marital bed should be a place he can relax and have an orgasm if he wants one.

I'm generally ok with this and don't feel any coercion. However, is this a little bit weird / unusual? Is my husband a bit sex addicted if he can't go a few weeks without?

Does anyone else have a similar set up? How common is it to openly discuss/masturbate next to a partner without their involvement (obviously with consent) ? Should I be bothered by this? Total honesty/ openness about masturbation and urges seems unusual in my experience

On a separate note, he has been more affectionate and relaxed which is a good thing. I know all marriages have ebbs and flow in desire - maybe this is the thing I have to accept that keeps us close.

Hmmmm
id like to know his thoughts processes whilst he’s engaging in self gratification

maybe ask him?

I've done this a couple of times next to my wife, for similar reasons. Yes, there's a sense of sexual connection. There's nothing perverted about it at all. But I found it degrading and depressing.

Maybe there's an element of exhibitionism about masturbating in front of someone.

The one person who did this in bed next to me was being abusive with it.

I don't think there is anything coercive about it - If I said no it would be no and he has never forced/pushed anything I don't want to do.

He says he just needs a release more than every month. He says why should he hide it from me or have to go to the bathroom etc

It would be very unusual for a man not to be frustrated at only getting a release (in whatever manner) once a month. And not very good for long term prostate health either. So it’s perfectly normal for him to want to sort himself out, albeit rather unusual in that he wants to do it in your presence.

You don’t mention helping him, even if you are not up for sex yourself. Surely you would want to ensure that he doesn’t get overly frustrated, and helping him out can be a lot of fun and pleasure for both. Maybe he hopes that being next to you, you will take over?

Sorry, just reread and seen you did mention “helping out”. But maybe you can make the effort a bit more often to do so?

This is perhaps where I'm different - I've never been a wife to "help out" if he has the urge - maybe only occasionally. Perhaps this is where we are different and why I'm in this situation!

Am I out of the ordinary there? Should I be helping out even if not in the mood.

Mismatched sex drives are one of the great challenges in a marriage but, like anything, I think this problem can be overcome if both partners are prepared to meet the other half way.

I'm in a sexless marriage and I've had lots of time to interrogate my own thoughts. Let me speak plainly. The most beautiful part of sex, between two people who love one another, is that shame is banished. A person can say, "This is me," and experience total acceptance from their loved one. If my wife wanted to masturbate with me present - and I don't have an orgasm - that would turn me on massively: she's showing me her true self. Likewise, if I felt I could masturbate in the presence of my wife without shame, it would satisfy a deep psychological urge. I would want her to touch my body, but not necessarily my penis. But I would want her to accept all parts of my body, and witness my physical pleasure.

I hope that makes some sort of sense. Everyone, in different ways, is made to feel ashamed of their sexual selves. A woman is a 'slut'. A man is a 'sex pest'. But we are all crying out for acceptance.

If you were having sex on a regular basis, then I wouldn't expect you to have to "help out" very often, as those moments of intimacy would often result in sex. I think the issue is that you're just not that interested in sex, which does leave him with the problem that he does need regular releases. Not because he is obsessed by sex, but basically the male body does need to release what is produced, and it's unhealthy not to. So after a few days frustration builds up.

You've got two choices really. Help out more, and help him fulfill his needs, or not, and leave him to it, either in privacy, or let him masturbate next to you.

The danger with the latter is that he may in time come to the conclusion that the intimate side of your marriage isn't working for him. I'm not sure I would blame him, as sex is such an important aspect of a relationship.

When I completely lost my libido due to feeling touched out with young kids then no I couldn’t have tolerated this.

now though, we still don’t have sex as often as either of us would like, and DH will often sort himself out in bed next to me. I’m either sleeping (almost), cuddled up to him or helping him out. I have to say I really enjoy it now. I’d probably like it the other way round too but he’d definitely want to get involved so that only really happens as more of ‘a session’.

I think if it’s working for both of you then great. But if you don’t like it then you should tell him.

Similar here. OH "sorts himself out" once or twice a week in bed with me, but likes a "view" of my boobs (and usually a quick fondle) so there is a connection there. No pressure from him. He never instigates it or asks for it. He's happy to wait for me to suggest it, so that's fine with me as I'd hate to feel pressured. He says he doesn't like the secrecy etc of doing it on his own as it makes him feel sordid about it. To be honest, I'd rather he did it with me and looking at me rather than looking at porn as that's a route I don't want him to go down.

I don’t really see an issue with what he’s doing, as long as he’s using his imagination and not watching porn next to you in bed.

a month without any kind of intimacy is tough, especially when one partner wants it and the other doesn’t. If I ever sort my self out next to my DP ( quite often after sex as well if I’m still in the mood) I will touch her bum ( with her consent of course ) and use that closeness although more often than. Not she’ll wake up and help me out. TBH it normally leads to another round of sex 😂

i couldn’t go a few days without any kind of intimacy, neither could my DP, but we don’t have young children and everyone is different

We're sort of in same boat over very many years. Marriage without physical involvement (read sex) isn't a marriage, its a friendship at best, if you're lucky.
Where and how he satisfies is irrelevant.
Once a month is infrequent for any gender. Action and much compromise needed here, and probably quickly.

personally I think once a month is pretty harsh. That doesn’t seem like that’s very sustainable. I can completely see why he is masturbating so much.
But it doesn’t really matter what others think, if you don’t mind him wacking one off with you next to him, then good for you, and great for him I guess. I think I’d be mortified if my wife did that to me. But as I said it’s kinda about what you think is right for you.
one idea that might help? Is next time you’re going to be getting busy together you could film it/take photos. This kind of role play often gets things pretty spicy, but then next time he’s ready to go for it solo, at least he’s got some material with you on it, instead of, eg, using the internet porn repository full of ridiculous staged acts.
the other thing you could consider is edging, when we had a child my wife did this to me for a week at a time. It drove me WILD! And pretty low input from her. By the time we finally gor into it, my orgasm was so insanely powerful, I felt satisfied for ages. (Potentially tmi but a word of warning though, alongside power orgasms, it did generate a lot more ….”mess” if that’s a thing you are both into)

Sex once a month would leave me very frustrated so I sympathise with your husband.

We've done this from time to time though DP will help me along with a bit of a show, which is very connecting for us. I'm grateful for it but she would say it requires very little effort on her part.

Awful situation but I think him sorting himself out in your presence is a pretty good solution. He gets to feel closeness to you which is something.

Cuddle him and talk to him while he doing it to add a bit more closeness.

Poor guy. :(

However, is this a little bit weird / unusual?

Nope, perfectly normal.

Is my husband a bit sex addicted if he can't go a few weeks without?

Nope. The fact he's still with you suggests he's very far from sex addicted.

Is there a small compromise where you would consider making love twice a month perhaps every other week and the weeks in between both be naked in bed and allow him to mastrubate whilst perhaps sucking your breasts . I think if he is sexually satisfied and the pure sexual frustration removed you gain an overall better relationship for both , sexual frustration for either husband or wife can be sole destroying , it’s great that you have both been able to discuss this .

I think in some ways you are lucky, your husband has had the confidence to approach you, tell you how he feels and is trying to find some kind of solution which involves you. It sounds like a cry for help? I would class the frequency as a sexless marriage and I'm guessing you're still fairly young. I could not sustain a relationship with that frequency personally. He isn't a sex addict because he feels he needs a more frequent 'release'. All men won't be the same and I'm not sex addicted, but my body will build frustration if nothing happens for a number of days, let alone weeks and it will make me get far more sexual thoughts and urges when nothing is happening. I spent probably 15-20yrs 'sneaking around' sorting myself out so that I didn't burden DW with the fact I had a higher sex drive (we probably averaged once a week at that point), ultimately she then had no clue I needed more sexual intimacy than what we had in our relationship. I didn't talk to her earlier on because we probably both found it awkward to communicate on sex from the start of our relationship. Changing that has been difficult and now we're all good I would say, but it took me to start talking about it and this forum definitely gave me the confidence to do that! I don't see it as unusual that your husband is openly communicating this with you, I would see it as a positive that he is saying he wants to be closer with you in this part of his life, rather than porn or camming or getting sexual kicks/release in another form.
I won't say you should be doing this or that, or let him touch your body etc as all of that is up to you and whatever you're comfortable with, but I would definitely take onboard what he's saying and stop short of seeing him as a sex addict.
Gratification from sex is human nature.
Good luck with whichever way you go

I have been the man in this situation, although her lack of libido was medical. She preferred me masturbating in bed next to her rather than watching porn in the bathroom. Sometimes she’d talk to me while I did it, offering encouragement, sometimes she’d finish it off at the end, For us it was a nice way to keep some intimacy with no pressure and if she’d objected I would have stopped and gone back to the shower.

I am in my 50s and my husband and I usually have sex everyday, often more than once. I can completely sympathize with your DH at your extreme lack of intimacy. Expecting your husband to be satisfied with sex once a month and then being at all judgemental when he openly asks if he can masturbate next to you in the marital bed seems unreasonable. It's a very modest ask considering how you seem content with allowing your sex life to whither on the vine. What makes marriage unique is its physical aspects and the exclusivity of one partner. I think its very dangerous to not care that your spouse feels unloved and neglected and expect a grown adult to accept to have sex once a month. I could easily see how this could end marriages. I appreciate that my husband and I are well matched and both have a high libido. I can't imagine how devastated I would feel if my DH was only interested in sex once a month and didn't care that I felt sexually and emotionally frustrated and neglected.

The more I think about it the more unappealing mastrubation in the way you describe is , both of you in bed your husband probably with his back to you relieving himself , I think in time he will grow to resent this if I’m honest. I think if you have a low sex drive and tired to try to help visually or just using your hands could transform this into something actually very loving !

I think masturbating next to my wife, all by myself, with her obviously having no interest, would be very distracting and would put me off. But each to their own. I definitely could not go "a few weeks" without some kind of release. Fortunately my wife often moans at me that she wants it more than the once or twice a week we do it. She really is the best wife. I think there are people that could be happy with sex once every few weeks, and no judgement for me. But for people who have more sex drive than that, they're just not going to be able to drop to once every few weeks, because that's just not them. And a lot of people are in the same boat.

You just have a lower sex drive than him. There’s nothingness wrong with that and you are absolutely not in the wrong. And you shouldn’t ’help out’ even when you’re not in the mood because people can sense that. And that’s worse than doing nothing at all; doing something where they can feel you don’t want to be there. Only part I don’t get is why he wants to do that around you. I much prefer to be by myself with my own thoughts and fantasies. But maybe he has some kind of attraction to ‘being seen’ in some way. So maybe exposing that activity to you is kind of a turn on for him. Which is fine as long as you consent to him doing it around you.