Exhausted and it’s the last thing on my mind right now!

[FuzzySquirrel]

Hi fellow Mumsnetters, I’m feeling very deflated and all my holiday cheer has just been sucked out of me after what my husband said to me a few nights ago. This is my first ever post as I feel I just need to get this off my chest as it’s really made me deeply unhappy and I have no one else I can talk to about it, so here goes.

Ive never been a high sex drive girl and now that I’m in my early forties, married, three kids, two of which have extra needs and just received the all clear from cancer that I’ve been battling for the last two years, sex hasn’t really been a priority for me. Now, here’s where I’m feeling selfish as my husband turned to me a few days ago after putting on a romantic evening with dinner and candles and said he wasn’t satisfied in our relationship as we haven’t had sex for years. I immediately felt pressured and very uncomfortable and I cannot get past that feeling. We tried talking about it but because he doesn’t understand why I feel the way I do, nothing has resolved and I still feel awkward around him, plus he called me an ungrateful mare for not appreciating everything he does for me. I’m busting a gut trying to get everything ready for Christmas and I’m mustering all my energy to be cheerful for the kids but it’s so hard.

I know I have found the last few months particularly hard as my husband has turned into a gym fanatic and goes 4 times a week. There are days where he will be out the house before the kids to go to work and then straight to the gym after and not see his kids all day. He also doesn’t eat with us anymore and does all his own meals to fit in with his new regime. He eats 6 times a day so the kitchen is in constant use and it’s so hard to get a meal for the kids when he’s in there and he always leaves a mess. I’m still supportive of his new lifestyle as mentally it’s been very good for him as he's prone to depression and he's had many an evening crying on the kitchen floor. He is getting counselling for it now but i feel i cannot share any bad news with him because he tells me it brings him down, so i have to be the strong one for him. I also have to manage the finances without his knowledge as that makes him anxious and he refuses to look at it for fear of bringing him down. He tells me that being the sole bread winner is too much of a burden on him, as I gave up my career to be a stay at home mum. i don't have any family near by to lean on so I'm pretty much raising the kids alone.

it's Christmas eve and he's just finished work and gone to the gym whilst i hoover, mop floors, finish the wrapping and see to the kids. I resent that he doesnt spend more time with them, they are growing up so fast. He seems to want to just spend time with me for sex instead of as a family, but we all come as a package. I think im just tired of being the strong one all the time.

How old are your kids OP?

I think it’s time to find a job, not for him, but so you can support yourself when you leave.

Do you think he could be having an affair or using escorts?

I think it’s fair enough that he’s unhappy if you haven’t had sex for years, but given your recent cancer diagnosis and the fact that he isn’t an equal parent, I’m not really surprised that you haven’t felt any desire.

They are 9, 6 and 4. I honestly don’t want to leave because of the kids, I just need more time to get back to the person I used to be. I was so full of life once.

No, I don’t think he’s seeing anyone else. He’s lost a lot of weight so he’s definitely going to the gym. I think it’s boosted his testosterone levels so perhaps that’s why he’s been struggling a lot lately with our situation. We’ve been married for 10 years and he’s never grumbled about our sex life before, but the last 2 years have been rough and I still get bouts of fatigue. My cancer is in remission and is likely to return give the type it is. It’s incurable but treatable.

First, "years" is a long time and if you could disclose whether you've had any sexual contact in that time, it might help. I'm assuming that this is driven by health in which case the consensus here is that's one of the unfortunate but has-to-be tolerated effects of being ill.

Secondly, it looks to me like he is not doing enough to support either you or his household. Failing to prioritise you and the kids is despicable and even without a gap through health I can see why you'd feel limited drive to be intimate.

The position he's put you both in sounds fixable but bleak given what you've said about how he beats some of the load of the family.

Other than kissing, there’s been no sexual contact for a long time now. I don’t miss it and he said that’s not normal, something must be wrong. I was ill and in a lot of pain at the beginning of my diagnosis and lots of fatigue, it was horrible. I’m a doer so that change for me was very hard to tolerate. I’ve still not regained all my previous strength as I also have vasculitis that can wear me out. I’m trying my best though.

He goes to work, so I maintain the house, that’s how it’s always been but I must admit, it’s been harder in recent years as the kids have got bigger and messier and my health hasn’t been great. What I hate the most is that he thinks he does a lot, he honestly does, so talking to him about it doesn’t get me anywhere.

I have been thinking of getting a job as I think that would be good for me mentally and get me out of the house. Then, natural consequences may make him realise how much work he’s been skipping out of.

You have every right not to feel like sex. Given a couple can't sustain a sex life anyway without an equitable division of labour, I think this needs addressing first.

If he's unwilling to flex or negotiate on the point about keeping the household running, that's a bigger problem.

Getting a job won't drive him to think about fairness, but it does open up options longer term for you.

Do all your children go to school? You mentioned additional needs? If so I’d start by getting you back (for you) and then you can start to think about what you want to do about him.

I hope you don’t allow him to ruin your Christmas you sound like an amazing mum

I think if you moved this thread to the relationships board you would get a lot more support on there as your post is about more than sex tbh.

I know I have found the last few months particularly hard as my husband has turned into a gym fanatic and goes 4 times a week.

LOL, I wonder why. 😄

He seems to want to just spend time with me for sex instead of as a family, but we all come as a package.

Indeed. Pestering you for it now when you only had it just "years" ago is positively obsessional. Doesn't he ever think of anything else!

Prop him and encourage him to be stronger. I am glad sexually he is there for you though, this is good. As we get older sex is less of a concern, and its more about support and communication.

I think he has every right to raise this as it’s been years. You’ve been through a lot and have a lot on your plate, but you are in a vulnerable position if your DH does decide he can’t live in a sexless relationship. He is clearly feeling pressure of being the sole income, do your DC all attend school? I’d personally be looking at getting a job as many marriages don’t survive when one party is clearly unhappy. You don’t have to have duty sex, but you do need to consider that your DH is unhappy and this could lead to end of your marriage.

If you want equality in terms of 50/50 on the housework and kids then it’s time to step up and be 50/50 on bringing in an income as well even if it means you both work part time to get the same time.

i don’t recall saying anything about him helping out more around the house. He goes to work, I stay at home, that’s a 50/50 split in my book. I’m sad that he doesn’t spend much time with our kids, perhaps because two have special needs and are more of a handful. I’m sad that all he seems to want is sex and not family time. I don’t think thats unreasonable to be sad about. Financially, both of us working part time is a stupid idea as our net income would drastically fall and two of my kids need way more attention than regular kids so it’s no way practical.

Thanks for your suggestion, I’m not expecting anyone to solve my problems, I just needed to vent and the thread has allowed me to do just that.

I’m sad that all he seems to want is sex and not family time.

That's just men though - they do just want sex. They don't want family time. They don't even really want to spend time with women doing anything non-sexual - they only do it to get sex from us.

Generalising is not great... Please, don't make it seem like that it is a universal and objective truth :) Not hating or starting an argument, but generalisations like that can be harmful... For example, what if someone takes that seriously, and just accepts a shitty one-track-minded treatment of their husband instead of striving for better?

I think it's fair to say that someone already sees that he isn't interested in much other than sex.

You really think the advice here should be that she should do better and "if you fuck him more he'll want to spend more time with his family" ?

@AtYourPleasure "I think it's fair to say that someone already sees that he isn't interested in much other than sex." - 100% agreed, no notes.

"You really think the advice here should be that she should do better and "if you fuck him more he'll want to spend more time with his family" ?" - Oh good god, no. Not what I said. By striving for better I meant to strive for a better life, however that would look - Either on her own, or with a better partner.

All I said that there is a difference between saying "This particular man that you have as your husband is a sad excuse and he clearly ONLY wants sex, but not every man is this single-minded" and "ALL MEN ARE LIKE THIS". I am sure we can agree there is some nuance between the two...

What a load of fu*king bollocks!

yesterday, I surprised my OH by booking a weekend away to chamonix. Only one night, at the airport now - I didn’t do it because I want sex all the time, I did it because I love her and want to spend time with her!!

I’m so glad I have not listened to your harmful generalisation and lowered my worth as a person. I am more than a walking vagina and I’m glad I know it. It seems to me that you need more relationship and self esteem advice than I do! Thankfully, I’ve pulled myself together, had some counselling over my cancer and had shared some good, hard truths with my husband. He’s mortified and hadn’t realised what he had been doing and that I had allowed him to get away with it for so long. He’s always had issues, which often makes it difficult to see other points of view and I have been a shell of my former self because of what I have gone through these past few years. Well, that’s stopped and I’m grabbing our marriage by the horns and fixing it, with him 100% present and on board, with his eyes wide open now. I will always need to steer him in the right direction, but marriages need work and that’s ok. He feels awful for pressuring me when I’ve gone through so much with my body failing me these last few years and he’s been amazing at owning that, I am lucky to have him. He knows our marriage has changed now that we are a family and we aren’t teenagers anymore. It’s not all about sex, we are more than that and that part will come back when I am ready as it’s my body that has been through hell, not his! For now, family time is what matters and that’ll grow the intimacy back for sure.

So thanks, AtYourPleasure, your opinions are not needed here. I hope you value yourself more than your comments indicate.

While the health concerns are of course daunting, I am real glad you have pursued the counselling route @FuzzySquirrel

As for the resolution with DH, that is very promising, this is what I tried to indicate above myself that painting "all men" with one brushstroke is very derogatory as well as damaging... None of us can see the future, but it genuinely is so positive to read about where you landed with DH and just family time... Surely the journey is just starting, and I hope that it leads you guys to a happy place :) You go!

Apologies. I didn't, at anytime, say that you were only worth that or that you were only a walking vagina. I apologise if thats how it came across. I think women - you and I included - are definitely more than that, but not all men do - and that's come directly from men.

You said a number of times that you were sad he only wanted sex and not family time. You can see why I'd think he only wanted sex. But I'm glad that's not actually the case.

@FuzzySquirrel I took @AtYourPleasure comments as her view and not a reflection of you at all.

@AtYourPleasure without wanting to derail this thread I hope you are being kinder to yourself through the choices you are making. There are some good men out there. My partner wants family time and takes time dating me ( we’ve been together nearly 6 years). He’s never pestered for sex when I’m sick or ever really.

@FuzzySquirrel I am really happy to see your update. Good luck with it all, you’ve been through so much and deserve every happiness!

@AnonAnonmystery - that is done now and I'm trying to navigate some pretty hard feelings. Neither of us was perfect but I put a lot into it, was always there, at the expense of other things. One of those years especially I should have been concentrating on something else and I can't get that time back. I wasn't made to do it ofcourse, it was my choice. And now I have to live with it.

As for good men... it doesn't matter anymore. I'll never have another one near me.