What should I do

[FunnyEagle]

Apologies for reposting but the first post didn't come across correctly so everyone went off in the direction. I don't think I explained myself correctly and I couldn't find a way to edit it.

DW and I have been going through a very rough patch for over 3 years, we haven't had sex in over 2 years. We have had issues in the past because I found out she was masturbating after sex. She said it wasn't because I hadn't satisfied her but she just felt she wanted more (surely that means I didn't satisfy her). This caused me some performance anxiety which quickly resulted in ED and inability to orgasm. Then one night after I was unable to finish I apologiesed, she turned round and said well it's your own fault. Shortly after that we stopped having sex altogther. I have blue pills but she doesn't want to try them and I'm already on antidepressents but they have hinded my sexual function.

Some background - I do all the cooking and downstairs cleaning and sort the kids for school, etc. The split is not very even as I do more than she does. Over the years I've taken on more jobs to help and this is why we have ended up in an uneven split.

Fast forward to know and she wants to start marriage counselling which I'm happy to try but she has said we are not to discuss our sexual issues. I personally think that there is no point leaving out a huge part of our relationship it's only setting us up to fail. When I told her this she said if I didn't like it then I should leave.

Now to my questions, firstly is it worth spending out all the money on counselling if we are not going to cover all aspects of our relationship? A what do I do about my sexual anxiety, currently even the thought of having sex gives me a panic attack. I can't afford to have counseling for both at the same time but if we don't do the marriage counseling soon there won't be anything to save. Also not sure how well the sexual counseling will help as I don't think I have a supportive partner so it might cause a issue. Finally is it just time to call it quits, we have 3 kids but they have already picked up that things aren't right, so I think they would understand. Any advice would be useful.

Sorry to say but this relationship is dead. Your best leaving. If your kids are picking up something isn’t right then it’s time to leave. It’s sounds to me that it’s mentally abusive towards you. You will find if you do leave you will come off the anti depressants and the blue pills

Sad situation, but for counselling to really be effective you’d both need to attend discuss all aspects ofthe relationship and be honest,she doesn’t seem to be getting any satisfaction from your sexual relationship and it’s just stressing you out , perhaps the answer is to look at your longer term options, a new start might help with the depression, which itself obviously affects sexual performance, good luck with whatever you decide

You found out she was masturbating 🤣

Thanks for the useful advice

Some people who are really into the whole “relationship idealism” thing say that sex and physical fulfilment aren’t the be‑all and end‑all of a relationship. But honestly, from what I’ve seen whether it’s on Mumsnet or just in everyday life good sexual intimacy seems to be a pretty big part of a healthy, emotionally satisfying relationship.

Whenever I come across posts about bedroom issues, I always wonder what things were like before the problems started. Was the sex life good, bad, or just… meh? Were the people involved curious about each other, open to learning what their partner actually enjoys, and willing to put in the effort? Or were they just coasting along and hoping things magically improve?

Couples, especially those who’ve been together a long time—should have a pretty honest sense of where their sexual connection stands. And the only way to get there is through open, real communication.