Is it time to give up

[FunnyEagle]

I'm afraid this might be a long post. DW and I have been going through a very rough patch for over 3 years, we haven't had sex in over 2 years. We have had issues in the past because I found out she was masturbating after sex. She said it was because I hadn't satisfied her but she just felt she wanted more (surely that means I didn't satisfy her). This caused me some performance anxiety which quickly resulted in ED and inability to orgasm. Then one night after I was unable to finish I apologiesed, she turned round and said well it's your own fault. Shortly after that we stopped having sex altogther. I have blue pills but she doesn't want to try them and I'm already on antidepressents but they have hinded my sexual function.

Fast forward to know and she wants to start marriage counselling which I'm happy to try but she has said we are not to discuss our sexual issues. I personally think that there is no point leaving out a huge part of our relationship it's only setting us up to fail. When I told her this she said if I didn't like it then I should leave.

Now to my questions, firstly is it worth spending out all the money on counselling if we are not going to cover all aspects of our relationship? A what do I do about my sexual anxiety, currently even the thought of having sex gives me a panic attack. I can't afford to have counseling for both at the same time but if we don't do the marriage counseling soon there won't be anything to save. Also not sure how well the sexual counseling will help as I don't think I have a supportive partner so it might cause a issue. Finally is it just time to call it quits, we have 3 kids but they have already picked up that things aren't right, so I think they would understand. Any advice would be useful.

@FunnyEagle "Fast forward to know and she wants to start marriage counselling which I'm happy to try but she has said we are not to discuss our sexual issues. I personally think that there is no point leaving out a huge part of our relationship it's only setting us up to fail. When I told her this she said if I didn't like it then I should leave."

Male here.

I don't think you can go for counselling with forbidden topics. That said, a good counsellor will gently draw them out anyway (you would hope.)

You sound really unhappy, with lots of things going on. My first bit of advice would be simple: talk to a friend. Do you have someone you trust? Maybe you don't normally talk about stuff like this; well, take a deep breath and start the conversation.

Also, think carefully about what you really want. Your wife can't tell you how to feel. She can't tell you what you, as a couple, can and can't discuss. But I know (I really know!) how difficult these conversations can be. But don't shy away from them.

I’ve read your post very carefully, and I’m going to say something to you I’ve never said to anyone on MN before (so I’m not one to jump on a bandwagon) but in all honesty, you need to be brave, make the most difficult decision you’ve probably ever made, and literally “save yourself.”
You are eating yourself up from the inside.
Im not going to make this a long post …. go get some personal professional advice, (counselling and financial) and see how you feel after.
Good luck mate.

If you are having panic attacks around the thought of sex see your GP (who can refer you for NHS counselling). Yes there will be a waiting list, but if you can’t afford to pay then get on it!

in terms of marriage counselling- you have 3 children so of course you should do it. Tbf you have such huge issues around sex I don’t think it would be helpful to ‘go there’ until you have had your own counselling. It sounds too specialised for a relationship counsellor anyway

Honestly you make it sound all about sex, you'll go to the marriage counselling if you can talk about sex, a women has sex with someone who supports and cares for and about her. Your wife wants to sort out all the other issues before she will even consider having sex with you. She has 3 kids, she's exhausted, and you're blaming your ED on her.
Do you 'help' around the home? Or do you actually take responsibility for the house, cleaning, shopping and mental load like you should?
Do you 'look after the kids so wife can take a break'? Or do you do 50/50 child care like you should? Do you pay for the school lunches? Fill in all the slips? Remember it's someone's birthday and get a present, wrap it, and take the kids to the party? My guess is probably not, and your wife is fed up with doing everything like many wives. Foreplay for women starts with a partner who is an adult taking joint responsibility, not another child who 'helps' around the house.
Stop moaning, go to marriage counselling and grow up. Even if you divorce it will help you learn to co-parent.

@WhatOnEarthAreYourTalkingAbout "Foreplay for women starts with a partner who is an adult taking joint responsibility, not another child who 'helps' around the house." - Saying this repeatedly doesn't make it true. I know it's a popular sentiment on MN, but so is "The best sex I ever had was with a ONS" and I don't think they were doing much housework.

@LochSunart it absolutely is true! What makes you doubt it?

The part of it that makes it sound persuasive is the "excluded middle" part: i.e., men are either pulling their weight at home, or they're an adult child - there's no in between. So already it's appealing to what you might call a straw man.

Furthermore, a great thing about MN is there are so many perspectives to read, and not many of them - I'd say - back this up. Yes, there might be women who complain their menfolk don't do enough round the house, but that doesn't imply that's the reason they won't have sex with their husbands. I reckon the reason for a woman's desire, or lack of, for her husband is far deeper than percpetions of housework. I'm not saying it's not a factor, but I don't think it's the deciding factor. And it's often brought forward as an argument when there's no real evidence for it. There's nothing in the OP's post that suggests he's not pulling his weight, but quite a bit that suggests his wife is imposing unreasonable conditions on their life together. No amount of housework is going to get over that attitude.

Obviously not having an equal partner (in housework and childcare) isn’t the only issue. But it absolutely does put some (not all!) women off sex completely.

I understand what you are saying but my recommendation is ask before making assumptions. I do all the cooking and deal with the kitchen. I get the kids off to school and pack there lunches, she does the school admin but I deal with the too and fro while also running a business.

Just to make things clear as everyone seems to think I'm a lazy arse the truth is it's probably the other way. My wife never cook, she doesn't wash up, she doesn't clean the kitchen, I get everyone up each morning, I get her up with a cup of tea each morning, I never have a lay in she does every weekend, I deal with the school issues. When she comes home from work she goes and has a nap while I cook tea and deal with the kids issues. I really don't know what else I can do, I'm exhausted and still expected to do more.

There are some people like that and you cannot change them no matter what.

You need to decide whether you want to continue like this or not.

Imagine the reaction out here if the roles were reversed.

Op You need to have a very serious talk with your other half there is something clearly wrong especially about not talking about sex with marriage counselling.

2 years without sex is a very long time maybe you show her this thread and it might spark her into action!

I had a good marriage with a very successful daughter. High achiever. But the sex was not as exciting as people told ne they have. Most of my said friends said the magic of young sex petered out when responsibilities piled up.

it really isn’t all about sex. If it was Cathrine Zeta Jones would probably not have divorced Michael? No one is that favoured by God that you have everything.

Be kind to your wife and find some way to get over the sex issue. Gardening save me from being too unhappy.