Am I a pervert?

[TellMeWhyIHateSundays]

So my DW and I love each other very much but for various reasons haven’t had sex for almost 2yrs. When we last tried I made an ill timed joke (trying to relax and lighten things) that I didn’t find her Disney Winnie the Pooh PHs very sexy. When asked what I’d prefer I told her I found her more sexy in matching lingerie or similar - nothing kinky or extreme.
This lead to a huge argument where she (rightly) said I should fancy her no matter what she was wearing and that no one should dress up for another person. If I preferred her in sexy lingerie than I was a disgusting pervert who was objectifying her and women.
I know she’s right but I can’t get over my automatic response that certain looks are sexier and get me ‘in the mood’ more than others. Of course I’ve apologised but we don’t seem to be able to get past it.

I don’t think I’m a pervert. I was only talking about matching sets or similar, not crotchless leather bandage gear!! I’d never expect her to wear something just for me, and certainly wouldn’t push it. But when asked for my opinion I gave it.

you’re not a pervert for wanting your DW to look nice/sexy, however, what you said clearly upset her and I can understand why.

Why haven’t you had sex in 2 years? That’s the biggest issue here, not you wanting her to look nice for you

If it has been 2 years, I think making a joke about her attire was not the smartest move. My guess is that she was already feeling self conscious and the joke hurt her, even though you intended it as light-hearted ice breaker per se.
Communicating a preference with your wife is not being a pervert. Whats the point of the marriage if you can't have preferences? But, because you hurt her, she wanted to hurt you back (my guess only here). When my ex-husband used to tell me he wanted to see me in lingerie, I saw it as a compliment.
Also, if you were to say someone other than your wife looked good in lingerie, while still married, then THAT is perverted.

@TellMeWhyIHateSundays "... where she (rightly) said I should fancy her no matter what she was wearing and that no one should dress up for another person. If I preferred her in sexy lingerie than I was a disgusting pervert who was objectifying her and women.
I know she’s right..." [my emphasis]

No, she's not "right": you're not (as far as I can tell from your post) a "disgusting pervert".

Beyond that, I don't really know what to say. I don't know why she reacted the way she did. In a healthy relationship, each partner should occasionally be able to say "the wrong thing" without this type of extreme reaction, and I think her reaction was extreme. You should not be shamed in this way for having what are pretty ordinary sexual preferences.

Some men definitely have a bit of a lingerie fetish. Where they are more turned on by that than the woman. I would also find that massively off putting. Ask yourself honestly- could that apply to you? I suspect there’s more to it than her getting upset about one ill thought out comment

Another possibility is she has confidence issues. If she was in the mood for sex and you told her you would find her more sexy in lingerie it might have crushed her confidence and made her feel unattractive. I know you say it was a joke but if my OH said it I would have been really offended. He’s sexy to me no matter what he’s wearing. Either way this is your problem to sort out- I’m surprised you’ve left it 2 years

Time to get counselling or leave. Let's face it you're never going to go near her again because of the nasty comment. (warranted or not) I imagine that you'll never initiate sex either verbally or physically again.
Something is wrong with the dynamic between the two of you if neither of you can be open and communicate your feelings and desires then this relationship is going nowhere.

I probably do have a bit of a lingerie fetish. Is there anything wrong with having a fetish?There are probably worst fetishes to have! I find her in matching lingerie a real turn on. The fact remains that wearing something ‘special’ puts me in the mood whereas fleecy PJs implies (to me) that it is a chore, to be got over, and that kills the passion - and my performance.

And of course I do love yet whatever she is wearing. We all chose our clothes to suit the mood or to dress up, else we’d all be wearing tracksuits all day long. I tried to make light of a situation and got it horribly wrong.

I probably did - unintentionally- crush her confidence. I meant to show that I think she looks amazing and I love her body and find her very attractive, particularly when she shows off that body to me.

i think you’ve answered your own questions then OP. Question is where do you both go from here? Big decisions ahead

It's not objectifying to find one's DP sexier in lingerie than in something else. There are clothes that make you comfortable. There are clothes that make you smart, and there are clothes that make you sexy and that's all lingerie is. If you haven't had sex for two years a bit of rocket fuel to get going is a good idea. My extremely undressy DW will happily slip into some lingerie for me. Obviously I'm glad she does it, but I also think it's appropriate of her: we look after each other in all manner of ways and that's one thing she does for me. I'm not seeing that sense of care in the OP's DW's reaction. Fair play to her, but if you stand on your rights like that, eventually you lose out, and if the OP really preferred to make love to a piece of lingerie he'd be doing that anyway.

She doesnt like you anymore

You have not been intimate for 2 years, that’s your issue now - fix the marriage or lose it - after 2 years the emotional bonds will be eroding on both sides - forget about sex and get back to being a good partner before it’s too late ( probably is already)

Written by a bloke who's currently bashing one out while reading what other women wear in bed.

Oh get real. You really think in this day and age a bloke is going to ‘bash one out’ on mumsnet when there is literally millions of videos he can watch for free?

We do not want to know what you're up to, thanks.

You obviously have no idea what these sort get off on.... Anyway they've already completed porn hub!!

Tbf there was actually a regular poster relatively recently that admitted he’d lurked on this board for ages (before posting) to get off on real women talking about enjoying sex!

I’ve chatted to guys on here who have confessed this too 😆

If your DW has played the Objectification Card, there are other porblems with the relationship.
Sex may be a necessary part of a successful relationship for you (typically it is for men), but for her, it is likely only going to happen if the relationship is successful (typical for women). And if she's prepared to shoot you down like that, I wouldn't be surprised if you're already into the terminal house-mates-only phase.
You need to have a discussion about where you both see the marriage, whether there is any point in counselling, and be prepared to learn that it's over.

What a dumb move, you haven't had sex for ages and then you get the chance and you criticise what she's wearing.

And lets be clear, it wasn't a light hearted joke, it was a criticism.

Liking lingerie is fine, when your wife wearing lingerie is more important to you than your wife's feelings then it's not ok. Fetishes have a nasty little tendency to become obsessive and then they are often very. very damaging.

Your replies give me the ick already tbh 'shows off her body' - she's not a performing monkey, she wants to feel loved and close to you not like a fucking sex object.

It's a public forum. All sorts of men and women will be reading it for all sorts of reasons. I think it's pointless giving that much thought.

People will post for all sorts of reasons. Sometimes it won't be genuine. It's pointless to go behind that.

And there's no reason for shitty comments. If you've nothing helpful to say, just shut up.

Obviously you're not a pervert for being attracted to underwear that's designed exactly for that, making women more sexually attractive.
You're kind of an idiot for ruining your chance at intimacy after 2 years by making a comment on her choice of clothing.
This is the sort of thing you might think, but you pick your time to have that conversation wisely. You did not choose wisely.

You're probably hurt her a great deal, and you have some repairing to do.

I personally don't think it as fetishistic to like lingerie. It's clothing that flatters the female body in the best way, so to me its more like attractive wrapping. My husband LOVES lingerie, but to be honest I don't wear it often usually because I just get naked and wake him up to have sex (due to different shifts he goes to bed before me). He loves that I wake him up up ready to jump his bones. We often have sex daily. However because he loves lingerie so much I will buy some and give it to him on his birthday or Christmas and its his favorite gift as he knows I'll be wearing it that night. I get the impression that most men like it also because it signals to men that when a woman is wearing it she is feeling sexy and he can anticipate sex in the very near future.

In terms of the OP I think the whole conversation was extremely badly handled. First you mocked your wife when she was vulnerable in bed with you and then didn't answer the question in terms of how you explained it to us. If you had made sure to explain that why you like lingerie is because she is gorgeous she may have responded differently. However if you aren't having sex I think you must have much more serious problems and that conversation was an illustration of how bad your communication has got.