Is Your interest in sex more physical? or for other reasons

[SlowChargerMayBeDamaged]

Was married, been divorced for 9 years. Reluctant to get into another relationship and I realise part of that is because my ExH was verging on asexual (major, but not only, reason for break up) and I'm low-level terrified that might happen in a new relationship. I do think that after a while many relationships are lacking in sex, but also aware that's confirmation bias and I've been reading those types of threads.
Anyway! The thing is, I think my desire to have sex in a relationship isn't mostly physical, it's much more like it's a barometer of relationship health/satisfaction and also cultural.... like men are supposed to be up for it and if not then that's a bad sign. So I want it to be regular and get stressed about whether it might not be..So much to unpack....
I've talked myself into getting counselling, just typing this!
Anyone got a positive story of finding reassurance and sex satisfaction in a new relationship after being neglected in that regard in a former relationship?

If it wasn't clear, I'm a straight woman.

How long were you married? Was he always like that? It sounds like the marriage has severely affected your confidence. Was it a long marriage?

There are men out there who are bordering on asexual - and are as passionate as a potato - and then there are men who would desire you and are full of passion and affection. Leave yourself open to finding one…someone who can fulfil your desires and needs. Just because you were neglected in your marriage doesn’t mean the next man will neglect you.

Lack of intimacy (not just sex) led to the break up of my marriage. After that I met my lovely boyfriend and we had a gorgeous sex life, which wasn't noticeably diminishing after 2+ years - it was a physical urge, but also a very strong mutual desire to see the other one happy and fulfilled. (This is something I hadn't felt from my exH for a long time!) Sadly he died earlier this year. I'm currently having occasional casual sex and absolutely not interested in or ready for a relationship, so at the moment it's only a physical need for me.

Not quite the same but I was in 16 year relationship which was sexless for the last few years. Mainly because I stopped finding my partner attractive. I thought sex was behind me for good. Aged 45, I honestly believed I would never have sex again.

A year later I unexpectedly met my partner and we are both having the best sex of our lives, not diminishing at all after 4 years. He's 54 and is always up for it - I love that about him. I completely understand what you mean about sex being a barometer of a relationship's health - we are both very happy. Good luck - there is a whole new world out there.

So sorry to hear of your loss. It sounds like you both desired each other, and made each other happy and fulfilled in that area, and this is what is crucial in a successful relationship/marriage. I’m really sorry he isn’t with you now.

My marriage was the same - I was neglected as far as intimacy was concerned and his performance in the bedroom was very selfish. This led to a lack of attraction (towards him) and no desire to go near him at all. Consequently, I lived in a sexless marriage (no intimacy/closeness) for many years. Snapped at menopause!

My grandparents probably had a very active sex life - both RIP and have been for many years - but my grandmother would say little snippets about their life - it was pretty obvious they were both passionate and desired each other. 5 children. She cried for him 20 years after his death 😢.

Relationships like that are magic!! I really wish I’d had that.

@SlowChargerMayBeDamaged
I think you’ve “hit a nail on the head” with your suggestion that maybe we sometimes equate “sex as a barometer” of the health of our relationship. Nothing is “black & white” in relationships, as an example, my wife and I have a great, enduring relationship and are totally committed to our life together, but we’ve chosen to “outsource” our sexual fulfilment. We made the mistake of judging the health of our relationship almost solely via the lens of “sexual closeness” and it proved nearly disastrous.
We chose a different path and it works for us. We worked things out without counselling, which was unnecessarily long and painful, and of course chose to stay together, but for you, I think you’d benefit so much from professional help because your “worth as a partner” is so much more than your sexual history together.
Hope that ramble makes some sense!!

Thank you xxx

I think for me it’s a physical urge to want sex. I don’t have sex because I want intimacy etc. however the bonding afterwards obviously does improve our intimacy

Yes - EX was never really interested in sex, left me feeling sad and alone in the relationship, wondering why she didn’t want me - what the issue was.

in a new relationship now with a lovely woman who actually loves sex and wants to be with me- which is amazing

This rings true for me also.

I get a burning urge for sex, particularly during The follicular phase and ovulation. The post sex oxytocin creates the bond and loving feelings

I think the best thing to do is meet people and see what develops. Of course that in itself isn't always easy. There is a another active thread on here about that. Try and not judge on past experiences but enjoy the new. I once had a relationship with someone who had very low sexual esteem after being in bad relationships with men (and a good ne with a woman which sadly ended). Up till we met she had never orgasmed during PIV and thought it was all her fault. Over many weeks I managed to make her see she was perfectly normal and attractive. Our first intimate encounters were always in full darkness as she didn't want me to see her body. Luckily, she had no issues with sex and was very easily aroused (and used a selection of toys when on her own) and I took my time to get her used me. We only had oral and mutual masturbation to start as she was worried that PIV would be painful after such a long time without. Over time she relaxed a lot and we began to explore new things together. I'm still in touch with her and she still tells me I saved her from her hang ups. I didn't save her, she did that on her own, but I did encourage and also push her to let go and enjoy herself. Hope this is useful?

At 55, I'm in the best relationship of my life.

I was with my xh for nearly 20 turbulent and abusive years, he used affection as a weapon and we ended up in a sex-less relationship as I just no longer wanted to have sex with him. Which is strange because I actually have a high sex drive, I always have.

I met my bf on a dating site (I'm an eternal optimist!), he was the third person I went on a date with, but we already knew after a week of talking, video calling and texting that we'd just clicked. And we click in every single way, including sexually. But for me the intimacy is curling up on the sofa with him, when I stay at his he brings me tea in bed before he goes to work, when I don't stay he video calls me to say good night and then texts me when he wakes up. And in 10 months we've never had so much as a hint of a cross word. For me that's the been barometer of our relationship, and how things are.

Ahhh, lovely 🥰

What dating site did you use?