How to change it up.

[Person93369]

So I grew up a sexually repressed Irish Catholic. When Infirst got married my sexual knowledge was beamed from the Position of the Week in More magazine! That marriage fell apart and I’m not remarried to my absolute best friend. He’s amazing. However he was a sexually repressed Irish Catholic too. You see the issue is we don’t talk about sex. We have very lovely sex now we are a bit older but it’s exactly the same all the time.
I tried sending naughty texts etc which are really well received and have lead to nice nights but he never does. He never initiates talk about sex or discussions or anything like that.
Im assuming it’s a man thing. How do I get him to discuss it a bit more so we can change it up a bit.

Have you thought about "doing it" rather than "talking about it", as a first step. Look to demonstrate a little of what you're looking for, work out what he responds to, and then maybe asking....should we do more of this next time?

Ask him if there's anything he'd like to do in bed; reassure him that, if you don't want to do it, you'll just say no, and you won't be disgusted with him.

I don’t really know what I wamt
to do though. Usually with absolutely everything else we chat and come up with a plan together. How do I know what to do?

@Person93369 It's a nice problem to have! I wonder if there's a self-help book you could read?

If you yourself don't know what you want, then maybe that's the place to start. What do you fantasise about? (I'm not asking for details! Again, it's a question for yourself.) You probably need a woman's perspective (I'm male.)

The fact that you do seem to have a mutually enjoyable 'baseline' is a good sign, I'd say.

@Person93369 "How do I get him to discuss it a bit more"

If I can come up with a suggestion regarding this, I'll let you know. Many people our sort of age are in such a massive rut, it's difficult to get out of.

I was fortunate in growing up to have a pragmatic and positive mother, not just about sex but other things as well. So my late mum was the person my friends turned to when they could not bring issues up at home.

Of course, everybody is different and repressions hit people in different ways, but you have identified a problem, which is a good thing. You might both benefit from reading "The New Art of Sexual Ecstasy: Following the Path of Sacred Sexuality" by Margot Anand. And it really is something you should do together.

Watch porn? I sometimes like to just show things or bring up topics of possible intrest while holding his bits. You can tell if he is enjoying the thought by how it responds

What does he do it you try to discuss it? What would happen if, say, you had in idea to try and you wanted to talk it through with him in advance? Speaking as half of an (I think) unrepressed couple of a similar persuasion and definitely still observant. StarlightLady's book looks interesting.

Just to be clear, it’s not written by me. But it has been read by me.

Do you think that you would like to be very adventurous or just a little as a first step?
Do you only try it in bed? A quickie in the kitchen can be fun.

I think we are united to the bedroom and hotels. My children live at home. They don’t want to see that lol

Some people say "I heard deidre at work talking about...." and add in such detail as you like.

I now realise people do that to gauge interest or revulsion, without revealing they want to try it, unless it is favourably received.

Discuss fantasies. What you imagine when you're masturbating. Mutual masturbation. Try massages. Read books. Date nights. Get rid of the kids. Go Tantric. Go for a drive and have a fumble in the car. Do the things you should have been doing in your teens. Explore.

Get on love honey -they usually do an advent calendar. That would be a good opportunity to have a bit of fun trying new things. Just tell him you’ve got him an advent and watch his face when you show him the first day!

Try listening to some soft porn audio books, you might get a few ideas of what you might like to try or not , and they are quite private