Sex is starting to feel like an obligation

[Junime]

Hi, firstly I have always enjoyed sex with my husband but his sex drive is much higher than mine. We've been married a long time and still have good sex but it's just never enough for my husband I feel he needs it for validation or something. He knows me pretty well and can read my moods and will initiate sex without verbal consent which most of the time is ok but I'm starting to feel like I'm just an object.
He's almost worse when he's had it more frequently. My sex drive is very low atm (perimenopause) I'm just not bothered and need support connection in other way too. He always reacts badly when I refuse, sulks like a child, guilt trips me and honestly it's taken all of the enjoyment out of it, i just do it to shut him up most of the time. Our relationship isnt great at the moment, I feel like bailing for some peace but we have young children.
I'm so tired all the time, have low iron & thyroid disease which I take medication for that helps a little bit my hormones are all over the place my husband is less than tolarent of this, I've tried adding him onto my flo app so he can read my emotions better but it's not really helping. I get so tired of explaining myself.
Does anyone else have this?

It’s the age old saying - men need sex to feel loved, women need to feel loved to have sex.

Non verbal consent is ok IMO in a happy and healthy relationship but that doesn’t mean you should feel obliged to have sex if you don’t want to and you both need to know each others boundaries and remember that no mean no.

Unfortunately men do generally sulk when they don’t get what they want, especially sex, but him sulking and being moody will only heighten your desire NOT to have sex with him.

He is a lucky man in a lot of ways that you both still have good sex in a long marriage. It is understandable that your libido has plummeted with young kids, peri and health issues. I think you need to be very clear with him- say you love him and your sex life but just for the moment you want lots of emotional and physical TLC. You could ask him to leave it to you to initiate sex (discuss how) so you both know where you stand?

if he can’t respect you at this time I think that’s a really bad sign. Hopefully he responds positively

Unfortunately that's exactly what happens, thankyou for your reply. We definitely both have healthy appreciation for boundaries I just can't stand his sulking.

That's what really concerns me tbh, it's our future and him not understanding what will happen during menopause I mean right now it's mild although I have always had bad PMS ans he just doesn't get it, a complete lack of empathy

I would never ever want to be intamate with my wife if she didn't want it.
We can go from several times a week to nothing for several weeks and that is fine.
The relationship is about so much more than sex. And yes sex is important but it is not the most important thing.
And sex is for you both and not just his needs. Tell him to go have a wank.

My wife is going through perimenopause at the moment and her sex drive can go off a cliff at times and that is ok. We talk about it.

She did say she feels really guilty when she doesnt want to and started to suggest she could still do stuff for me. I stopped her and said its fine, I'm not going anywhere so I can wait as i'd rather we both be excited for it than her doing it because she feels like she should. We kiss and hug ever single day. We hold hands when we are out and that is enough for me.

So while I really do want sex most of the time. I only want to be with her when she wants it too.

That is exactly the attitude my husband has and it’s so good to hear other men do too. I had assumed it was normal until reading on mumsnet! No way would he want sex if I didn’t. He’s never sulked either.

Thankyou for your reply, I don't know how to approach it with him?
What I tend to do is say not tonight or what have you and promise it the following night so then he gets his hopes up but I end up hating it cause all the spontinaety & passion has been taken out of it so I've stopped doing that. Id never fake an orgasm it's either happening or it's not, I verbalise what's working or not working but sometimes I just can't get there you know.
It's as much mental headspace thing for me as physical. All of which I've explained to my husband before, im just feeling very low like I'm always letting him down

It doesn’t sound like he has “a healthy appreciation of boundaries” as you’re clearly feeling pressure and giving in to having sex when you don’t want to, and he’s not respecting your feelings or boundaries at those moments.

True

If you feel like you are letting him down. You are wrong! Absolutly, completely wrong!

Please do not ever feel like that.

Talk about this, exactly as you have on here, with him.

Tell him what does help with your headspace. Like working together on chores and making it fun. Being playful and mindful throughout the day.

But sex is not an obligation or a chore to be ticked off.