Struggles with intimacy 2 months into seeing someone

[Bluejeansrose78]

The guy I’m seeing says he struggles with wearing a condom during sex. He does wear one, but told me he isn’t used to using them.

The first time we slept together, he asked about using a condom and I said, “No condom, no sex.” He got one, but then really struggled to finish and eventually said it wasn’t going to happen.

The second time we had sex, he jump-started my period so we stopped.

The third time we tried, he struggled again and said it wasn’t going to happen. He said he doesn’t get the same sensation with a condom and that putting one on takes him out of the mood.

He did finish from oral, but not during sex.

We talked about what might be causing it and he said he wasn’t sure if it was alcohol, the condom, or a lack of build-up/foreplay. So we agreed to do more foreplay next time.

But the same thing happened again — we did more foreplay, but he still didn’t come when he was inside me and went soft again.

He’s also tried a few times to start sex without a condom, and I’ve had to say, “No, get a condom.”

I’m just wondering if anyone else has experienced this with a partner or someone they were newly seeing

He’s a chancer.

I’d be concerned about STIs, since it sounds like he hasn’t had safe sex with any of his partners. Same for oral—it sounds like you gave him unprotected oral, and so wouldn’t be confident that this particular man was STI-free.

Ok so he needs to provide a full sti check, have a vasectomy then he is good to go

I always insisted on condoms (past tense as I’m now married!) and IME most men will complain about them, some of them will struggle to finish.

Are you on any contraception? Are you sexually exclusive? The obvious answer is to go to the clinic together for a full check but I appreciate that you might not want to take contraception yourself (I hate it!).

It doesn’t sound like the relationship will work out if neither of you can enjoy sex with a condom on and you don’t want to have sex without one.

This sounds dodgy to me, if he has problems with a condom there is no guarantee that he won’t have problems without. It sounds as if he is just trying to push you into unprotected sex, almost as a way of trying to beat your (very sensible) personal no condom no sex rule. If he tried without a condom knowing the score that is sex without consent.

Have you discussed your own conception issues with him? If you have not told him you have a coil or on the pill etc, tell him unprotected sex could land him with parental responsibilities.

Suggest to him that there are different types of condoms to try. Ribbed, dotted etc that may change his opinion.

Has he tried without alcohol? Surely that’s the first step! I absolutely cannot finish if I’ve had any at all

But he tried to have unprotected sex with the OP. Consent with condom does not mean consent without. Maybe he needs an attitude change rather than people giving practical advice.

Very true I’d missed that bit

I’d be super suspicious of this guy. If he isn’t used to wearing a condom, that suggests he typically has unprotected sex. Which means he’s a higher STI risk than single men who do use condoms. Have you asked him when he last had an STI screen?

These days you can get very good condoms that don’t really affect sensation. He may needs to get used to them. I think he’s trying it on.

The fact that he’s tried to have sex without when you’ve clearly set a boundary is a huge red flag. A conversation about consent is on the cards..!

Yes it's true that condoms reduced the sensation for the wearer, and it's quite possible that inhibits his ability to orgasm. But his lack of respect for your (perfectly sensible) insistence on using them is a fairly major red flag.

If you wish to continue with him, then have an open and frank discussion about contraception and STIs (outside of the bedroom). If you've already done that and he's still carrying on this way then you really ought to stop seeing him.

I know we live in a male controlled and dominated world but condoms don’t only reduce sensation for a man! Notwithstanding that they could be describes as a necessary evil!

Smart women carry condoms!

Too much porn, too much alcohol, potentially too much drug use.

Its not a choice for him to make. Either he uses a condom or it doesnt happen if that is what you want.
And as others have said, worry about STI's! Ask him to get a test. They are free on the NHS. And discreet. They send a pack to your home for you to do and send back.

But on the condom side. I struggle with condoms too. I know my wife doesn't like them either but we use them. Until I can get the snip.

So we tried various types and some are far better than others. Durex do some really really thin walled ones that feel good. There is a brand called skin I think that does thinner ones but they dont work for me. I tried to put one on and it split. Tried another and it split too. When we tried another time and it didnt split it was way too tight and did not feel comfortable at the base. So we use the durex ones for now but my wife has found and ordered another brand to try.

Also, look into HIMS tablets. They are not viagra and work only when aroused but they do keep you from going soft for any reason. Its nothing to do with not being able to get it up. Its to do with helping keep it up even when your not feeling it so much.

In some circumstances what you have said here would make sense to me.

But why should she persevere with someone who attempted to have unprotected sex without consent????????? He has crossed a non negotiable boundary.

Throw this one back OP, he's got no respect for your boundaries. He wants to try less porn and wanking and then he might be able to perform.

I had this thought too. I agree absolutly a line has been crossed.

Nothing to do with sex should ever be pressured.

Most the answers are probably closer to the mark but I'll share my experience.

Before marriage I had a series of girlfriends with whom I didn't use condoms. Then after getting married we didn't use them for many years until after our last child was born. We had a 6-8 month spell between birth and my vasectomy where we tried with condoms. I didn't get on with the usual latex versions (not an allergy), there just wasn't enough sensation. I found that Polyurethane condoms were a bit better. Eventually we switched to a cap then I had the snip.

25 years later I know I would really struggle with the lack of sensation from a barrier contraceptive.

I think for me I’d be really annoyed if he tried to have sex with me without a condom especially when I had explicitly said No sex No condom. That would be a red line especially in such a vulnerable intimate position he went against my wishes. He’s be gone. Doesn’t sound like a relationship I’d be willing to persue.