To never initiate sex?

[namechangesexq]

Name changed due to obviously slightly sensitive topic! Just looking for opinions and whether I am being unreasonable.

Context: DW and I (also a woman) have been together 4 years and married 2. Before marriage, our sex life was healthy and active. Since getting married I feel like it's taken a nosedive. DW has recently admitted she has prioritised work over our relationship these last 2 years. We don't have any children and housework is evenly split, in fact I would even say I do more of the 'life admin'.

Until about 3 months ago, I was regularly attempting to initiate sex, though not in a pushy way - just cuddles, kissing, the usual stuff. She would always say she wasn't in the mood, feeling tired, stressed, generally not up for it. I wouldn't hassle her about it, but after having sex probably less than 10 times in 18 months I was starting to feel rejected and that maybe she wasn't attracted to me anymore. She would always reassure me this wasn't the case, but we still wouldn't have sex.

DW then mentioned an interest in trying a new bedroom activity, which I was on board with for her sake (not an activity I personally get off on but happy to see her enjoying it), however she still barely responded to suggestions that we actually have sex. One night she even said "yes let's do it", then I left the room for 5 minutes and when I got back she said she had changed her mind. At that point I told her that if she wanted to do any bedroom stuff, she would have to initiate because I wasn't going to do it anymore.

It's now been a few months now and while nothing has changed bedroom-wise, I feel a lot less hurt and rejected. Writing it out feels kind of petty, but I'm curious about whether anyone else has been in this situation. Thoughts?

I'm not in a same-sex relationship, but I don't think that matters too much. I'm male, in a sexless marriage, literally can't remember when my wife last initiated. Over a decade.

The only piece of advice I can offer: this problem will not solve itself. And, if it is going to be solved, both partners have to be involved. Don't be optimistic: be realistic.

Has your wife given any reasons why she isn't interested in sex anymore?

I stopped initiating. I tried different styles and was told, in different ways, "no" each time. I formed the view that my OH thought it funny at times to burst my bubble, and I decided I didn't want to be belittled again.

My OH hasn't asked why I stopped. I think it suits them that sex is on their terms and their timetable. Karen Gurney says you need an environment where it's both easy to initiate and easy to turn down.

As it stands we have sex at their choosing about every two months. I'm starting to think it's less about their discomfort (or dislike of me), more that they can be selfish, and this arrangement means they get what they want when they want.

@namechangesexq She says she never really was interested in sex. At the same time, she had plenty of sexual partners before me, virtually dragged me into bed when we first met - then enthusiasm for sex melted away within a couple of months. Seven years into our marriage, she had a highly-sexual affair. I think she only associates sex with ONSs and flings. I think that attitude to sex is not that uncommon, especially - as far as I can tell - in women.

So I think reluctance to make the effort to maintain a sexual relationship is very deep-rooted. To put it another way, you probably don't know what you're up against.

I stopped initiating too, convinced that would mean sex would never happen and I was proved right, not that it's much consolation! I don't think it's malicious, sex just isn't that important to her, that in itself hurts my self esteem and self worth in that regard but unfortunately creates a viscous cycle where I don't want to risk upsetting an otherwise very happy relationship. Some days though (today being one) I'm so frustrated I can't think straight!

I'm sorry to hear your situation, that sounds malicious of your OH in a way that I'm not getting from my DW. There may be something about wanting to have things on her own terms, though - this is a theme in other areas of our marriage. How are you coping with feeling like your partner enjoyed 'bursting your bubble' though?

@LochSunart so almost like the marriage version of Madonna/Whore - she can't visualise sex with you anymore now that it isn't a new relationship/ONS? Thank you for the point that it is probably deep-seated. Another reason that I feel marriage counselling may be the way to go!

Yes, that's a reasonable way to put it - but I may never know what's at the bottom of it all.

I thought this sentence was interesting in your original post: "It's now been a few months now and while nothing has changed bedroom-wise, I feel a lot less hurt and rejected." I wonder why? Probably a good basis for a deep conversation, as your DW is less likely to feel 'accused' if you yourself are not feeling rejected.

I wouldn't say malicious, I suspect they just think that it's something that achieves their aims and doesn't worry that it stops it being a two-way event.

Everything else about the relationship is good so I need to broach the conversation that this set-up works for them and not for me.

It sounds really simple but it's taken some counselling to get me to a point where I actually think I have the right to expect something different.

I’ve got the greatest sympathy with all the above posts.

I also stopped initiating. Two years of sexless marriage went by. At least I knew where I stood.

Daft thing was, I wasn’t highly sexed. Once every couple of weeks would have been fine for me.

It was one of the things that killed my marriage.

Damn, centuries of religious influence that have shaped how society views sex.

Sexual compatibility is undervalued compared to romance. Expectation is love connection will translate into sexual satisfaction. Sadly, a lot of couples often discover this mismatch when its too late.

Early conversations about sexual expectations are underrated and often taboo or stigmatised.

Yes I've been here myself, albeit in a hetro relationship. Sex became more and more infrequent (I think it was about once a year in our final 5 years together. I was facing constant rejection, so I stopped trying to initiate. On one hand it felt quite self defeatist, almost passive aggressive to give up on trying to initiate sex - in effect "if you don't ask you'll never get". On the other hand it saves you from both the awkwardness of rejection and emotional roller coaster of "will we, won't we, maybe this time it'll happen".

In some ways I found it easier to never get my hopes up and never feel like there was a hope of us having sex and then suffering dejection when rejected than to keep trying and failing. But then, on the very rare occasions that my partner was in the mood and tried to initiate, the lack of sex was so ingrained that I'd lost all desire myself. On top of that I'd feel almost resentful to comply - thought process being "oh, so it's expected that I'm compliant on those very rare occasions when you initiate, but the rest of the time I'm supposed to suppress any desire myself". I ended up never in the mood, and mildly depressed.

Unfortunately, I don't know what the right solution is in this circumstance, our relationship ended without things improving (lack of sex was merely one issue in our case).

Same situation.. only so much rejection you can take before you’ve got to think about yourself! Now at the point where I’ll likely reject it should it be initiated as that ‘only on their terms’ irks me!

I'm another one who gave up initiating after about a year and a half of no sex. My ex actually said to me when we split up that my 50th birthday was "the last time I tried to have sex with him". And we split a week before my 52nd. I brought up my sadness about our lack of sex life several times over that last year, he knew I wasn't happy and he did nothing to try to change it. One evening, we'd been out for dinner, had a really nice time, a couple of glasses of wine, and when we got home, still feeling happy and close, I asked him, do you think you'll ever want to have sex with me again? Expecting/hoping for some sort of white lie reassurance, and he just said, no, I think I'm past all that now. Think that was the final nail in the coffin for me.

Sorry, that was a bit of a splurge! I feel like there must have been a point where we could have had a conversation that would have changed things, but by the time we started talking it was too late. So my only advice is to talk, sooner rather than later. Good luck. I really feel for you.

My DH and I have been together for forever and what I’ve learnt from that is there are phases. Recently I have been initiating but to no avail, then suddenly tonight, when I have stepped away from showing an interest for quite a few weeks, he has initiated. It didn’t end well but it’s the thought that counts. I was about to try a previous method of going back to increasing intimacy without sex. Touching your hand on them as you walk past, holding eye contact for longer than needed and a peck on the cheek that is held a little longer. Over the years both of us have learned that this approach rebuilds the connection needed to build a stable platform for sex. This is not gender specific as we both respond to this without knowing. Good luck to you all x

I was like your wife (I’m female) with my husband. I’d constantly make excuses. Bottom line was, I wasn’t attracted to him (sexually) and he didn’t do anything for me in that department (very boring). I love sensual and passionate sex, sometimes with a bit of naughtiness…my husband was get on, do his stuff, get off (no foreplay). Our lack of chemistry in this area was obvious from the start but I was foolish to think things would change. He was a nice person. I felt terrible but knew he just wasn’t pushing my buttons and it became a chore to me. I stopped it all and we ended up in a sexless marriage (many years). My parents had divorced when I was a child and I vowed for that never to happen to my marriage - however, life isn’t as plain sailing as that. I was happy enough in other aspects of our marriage (even though I did find him a bit odd and dull at times).

What woke me up? Another man. Very strong chemistry in and out of the bedroom. Stupidity, married. Still is. And, I remain frustrated and lonely. I ended my marriage very early on when I could see what was happening (and why).

I regret not ending my marriage years earlier and having the guts to say what I felt. I have wasted many years (for both of us). I didn’t have the heart to tell him it wasn’t there for me.

I will also add that there was no intimacy/closeness in our marriage outside of the bedroom either.