Safe sex when it's all a little casual

[BreezyPeachGoose]

So, I kind of know the answer to this already, but it would help me if we discussed it a bit as others might have different angles / advice.

It's all hypothetical at present as I've not found any potential dates yet.

I've not had sex for years, I've exited a long term relationship a couple of years ago and I think I'm now ready to dip my toe into online casual dating.

How on earth do you stay safe if other people in the pool are open to polygamy, ethical non monogamy or may have potentially been in group sex situations before.
These aren't of interest to me, but if a person I found was / had been how on earth do you stay safe?

Condoms is a must but offer no protection from oral and the like which I enjoy but I'm not really keen on condoms, I much prefer without.
Even kissing holds risks.

Does it come down to STD testing first and foremost?
Where best, easiest, to get this done without queuing up at the local STD clinic? Can home testing kits offer decent testing? Any recommendations?
Are they a bit of a pre planning mood killer?

In my previous long term relationship I didn't have to consider any ofthis, but now I've got round to thinking of something more casual, staying and keeping safe sounds like a chore.

Even with condoms you can still get genital warts and herpes 😬 and I’m not even sure they’re tested for? I guess you just have to accept some level of risk if that’s your lifestyle?

Gymbunny2025 said “I guess you just have to accept some level of risk if that’s your lifestyle?“ Do you actually mean, “accept some level of risk if you have sex?” 🤔

Idk I’m not in that lifestyle- you are. Do people get a full STI screen including hsv and hpv etc before each encounter? Including as op mentioned group sex?

Short answer:
Condoms give you protection.
No condoms give you NO protection.
Conversations require trust and honesty.
Unprotected sex feels better, whilst infections feel worse.
There's plenty of time to have unprotected sex once you've got to know someone.
STIs can be caught from oral sex, but you don't have to have oral straight away ... even if you like it and want to.

Long answer ... including The Scary Bit
(Based on recent experience)
You don't know a new partner's sexual health, only what they tell you, and they don't know you're telling the truth either.
Insisting on condoms is not only responsible, it's respectful.
If you can have an open conversation about sexual health, that's a good sign for a good sex life. If your partner doesn’t want to discuss it, or doesn't jump at the chance of you both doing STI tests, why would you want to fuck them?

Most STIs are treatable and can be irradicated from your body.
Some STIs take IIRC upto 12 weeks after infection to give positive test results.
If you contract HIV/AIDS, that can only ever be managed.
If you contract Herpes, that's with you for rest of your life, it DOES NOT show up in tests if you don't have symptoms, and you may contract it and not have symptoms. Something like 70% of adults have HSV1 (oral Herpese) and 10% of adults have HSV2 (genital Herpese) and (anecdotally) most don't know they have it. Some people have transmissible HSV outbreaks and don't know (look up "asymptomatic shedding").
Once you know you have HIV or Herpese, you can NEVER have sex with ANYONE else without telling them, which is a far bigger conversation that condoms.

Postal STI tests are free, easy, discrete, and convenient. (SH24 is recommended by the NHS.) But they don't cover all possible STIs and, depending on your sexual history questionnaire answers, may not offer you the full set. (I've done them twice - one didn't offer HIV or Syphilis, the other got lost in the post and never arrived at the lab.)
Asymptomatic Herpese tests are available but are widely regarded as VERY inaccurate and a waste of time.

NHS STI clinics offer walk-in and pre-booked appointments for both those who are concerned they've caught something and those who want to be able to show they are free from infections.
Queueing is no different than going to the GP.
The staff are lovely!

People who engage is polygamy, ethical non monogamy and group sex are more likely to be more responsible about sexual health. They have not inherently had more partners than those who have had a string of ONSs and are probably more likely to insist on condoms and less likely to share infections.
Most people in the dating pool are serial monogamists and they're the ones you need to worry about.

Interesting that you’d assume that people in the poly or ENM or swinging lifestyle are a higher risk group. That’s not been my experience at all, in 6 years of being in that lifestyle.

As @IHEquite rightly says, all you can do is mitigate the risk. The only way to avoid risk altogether is to not have sex.

I find that most people I encounter are open to a conversation about safe sex and STI testing. I wouldn’t fuck someone who wasn’t willing to have those conversations.

I get tested every 3/4 months by doing a postal home test. it includes chlamydia, gonorrhoea, syphillis, HV and Hep B. I also insist on seeing a recent test result before I sleep with a new partner. I ask that they’re upfront about who else they’re shagging, although I appreciate that I’m relying on them being honest.

HPV and herpes infections are a concern as they are not routinely tested for and can often be asymptomatic. Anyone with a history of either should inform a new partner. However, given that the majority of people will have a HPV or HSV infection at some poInt in their lives, and it frequently lays dormant, one could just as easily catch them from a long term partner.

Where do you purchase or obtain your home test from,? I use sh24 but I am not aware of hep b being checked. I cannot afford to buy tests but am just wondering. At least sh24 is free.

My county sexual health service offers it for free. Results usually back within a week.