Can we get past this?

[WhoisMary]

How do I get past my partner making me feel cheap and shamed for telling him - when he asked what I liked in bed - that I'd tried anal in the past and enjoyed it?

He said he cannot understand how a man could "do that" to a woman and is struggling with the fact I "let someone do that" and enjoyed it!

Yet he always tells me we should be honest and open with each other.

He has told me things about his past that I have accepted and not judged him over at all.

Whereas I feel completely judged by him and also sad that he can't appreciate me for the sexually confident woman I am.

I would never make him do something he didn't want to do and have never suggested he tries that particular thing. Yet somehow it's OK for him to shame me because it's something I have done in the past.

He says he loves me, but I think he's in love with the idea of me, not who I actually am.

I feel pretty deflated and not sure how to go forward.

I'm sorry he's being such a dick

It seems like he wants honesty and openness when it suits him, but not when he doesn't like what he hears.

As you've said, it sounds like he loves the idea of having that honest and open relationship, with no little secrets being kept. But doesn't actually want that if it involves actually being honest about past experiences. He really needed to ask himself "Do I really want to know about her past sex life? or do I just go into this with both of us being a clean slate so we don't judge each other on our past."

Good on you for not bringing up his past things that you haven't judged him on publicly. I'm sure we all judge our partners and we all find some of their actions or thoughts are ones we don't necessarily agree with. But at the same time, it also makes them who they are and obviously we were attracted to more than just one thing when decided that they suited a relationship with us.

Stay positive. There are a lot of other things that you could have done that certainly would have shocked him. Trying anal, and saying you liked it is pretty mild compared to say trying multiple strangers in a public setting.

Break up with him, he's a terrible person, I once had a guy shame me for moaning during sex, he expected me to be silent. I soon sent him on his way

If he doesn’t like the answer, maybe he shouldn’t have asked, I get he was asking what you liked but you do have to be prepared to potentially hear things you didn’t think you would with questions like that and not then be totally judgmental when you don’t like what you hear

I couldn’t be in a relationship or even a friendship with someone who judged me or tried to shame me about anything. He needs to learn not to ask questions he might not like the answer too, and suck it up if he does

I've told him we need to reel things back a bit in the bedroom and give each other time to discover what we enjoy together. If he isn't willing to do that, then sadly I suspect he is not for me.

Stuck with the opposite.. got to stuck in our ways.. so a little change up could help! Then again you probably need somebody more involved!