Sexless marriage

[Sexplease]

We've not had sex in about 7 years. DH's apparent lack of drive, not mine. I've found it incredibly difficult especially the fact that he won't discuss and diverts with jokes.

Simultaneous to no sex has been a lot of talk about how his ex-wife's infidelity crushed him, so I feel guilty even thinking of straying. But I also feel immense sadness at the thought that this is it, forever.

Just to clarify the first 6 months or so were amazing, it reduced after that, still happened to some extent, but life circumstances etc were plausible reasons. Then absolutely nothing for 7 years, which is as long as we've been married.

I'd like to enjoy sex whilst I'd still want it. How to negotiate this with someone who won't communicate is beyond frustrating. I don't want to do anything that would upset my child's life. Has anyone negotiated similar and what was the outcome?

I am going through a very difficult divorce, instigated by me, due to the same issue, although we had got to the point of no affection and my STBXH actively avoiding any physical contact, even accidental and indeed didn’t speak to me for various periods of time, although generally he was kind and very funny and a great father to our three children. Note, this was a gradual slide to this level, over 25 years, and TBH it sounds like yours has got to the no sex level much quicker than mine did.

My only regret is that I didn’t do this years ago, as I am now close to retirement and have no way to earn sufficiently to improve my future (unable to have a mortgage for a long term etc) which is looking bleak.
You probably don’t want to hear this but I honestly don’t think things will change. Over the years I clutched at many straws - when we are less tired from work/when the children are older/ when the children are at uni/when we next go on holiday/when we are not caring for older relatives. I also blamed myself - I will be better at sex (hilarious because there was none)/when I nag less/when I keep the house tidier/when I lose weight/change my hair colour/grow my hair long/don’t wear jeans all the time.
I will say that instigating separation has exposed his true colours, he has become a vile, unkind liar and I ended up being advised to leave the house for my own safety.
Dont stay for your child, I now realise I was role playing happy families, and I wouldn’t want my children to stay in a sexless marriage, as it is utterly sole destroying. I was dreadfully unhappy, felt and still feel even after 5 years, that I am ugly and unloveable, as that is what I was shown for the majority of our 25 years together.
I suspect I will end up on my own for the rest of my life, indeed I may never have sex again (how ironic) but I don’t have to live a pretence/lie and I am not shown daily that I am totally unattractive and unfanciable.

i guess now you know why his ex cheated on him…

Sending you love @OneWildandWonderfulLife and kudos for your bravery!

Solidarity here with you both. I divorced my exH after a 20 year largely sexless marriage. Same as @OneWildandWonderfulLife I was given endless excuses but he did ABSOLUTELY nothing to change things. It was that, almost as much as the no sex that showed how little he cared for me.

It won’t get better sadly. Took me about 4 years longer than it should have to leave. Thankfully I’m financially ok not as good as I would be if I’ve stayed. But now with a good bloke who likes to have lots of sex (and we are past the honeymoon phase - 4.5 years in and both early 50s)

I'm in a sexless marriage (I'm male, but I don't think that matters that much.) My story has some similarities to yours, possibly over a longer period. My wife was keen to have sex very early in our relationship but this changed quickly and I didn't want to believe the signs. In the last fifteen years, seven of them have been totally sexless and, in the years before that, she made little secret of treating it like a chore. I believe she wanted to want to have sex with me, but just didn't have it in her. We had a very brief resumption earlier this year but that's stopped and I cannot see any way back.

So - not optimistic. Perhaps someone else might tell a different story - a marriage like mine in which a meaningful sex life has been rekindled. I'm sure it's not impossible but requires long-term commitment from both partners. From my perspective, why would I encourage my wife to do something she clearly doesn't want to?

@OneWildandWonderfulLife I was very sorry to read your story, but I hope (if this doesn't sound patronising) you can take your bitter experience with you and transform it into something positive in the future.

I think its obvious that sexless marriages are more common than people think. Our relationship is so one sided now I almost feel like her dad rather than husband. I provide all the money that comes into the home, nearly all the housework, all the caring for our daughter and in many ways my wife as well. I love them both dearly so could never leave them but its very lonely and can really get me down at times.