I don't think he ejaculated......

[Southernfairy86]

Just wanted a bit of advice I guess as I just can't gauge someone.

I'm OLD (which feels standard in this day and age) and have been on several dates with a nice guy. He's polite, chat is pleasant, we get on well, and I find myself attracted to him enough to see how this pans out (although I'm clear that I'm not really after a serious relationship right now)

A few things are confusing me though. One of which is that we had sex for the first time and when I went to the bin the next morning the condom looked empty. I didn't notice the usual shudder of an orgasm during it, and I'll be honest, it's not a situation I've experienced before. The sex was not over quickly, was actually rather prolonged, so I'm questioning if I'm just not "doing it" for him.

In other behaviour I've had to prompt him that it's OK to kiss me, put his hands on me etc as he seemed to not be taking the initiative, yet in his messages he talks openly about his sexual attraction to me. Can't figure out if he lacks confidence or is overly concerned about consent.

Sounds like he didn’t. Also sounds like he didn’t fake it, it just didn’t happen.

First time nerves, I think that’s fair enough. Just give it another go.

Yeah probably just nervous. Haven't you ever faked it?

As a mid 60's man I can assure you it is entirely possible for an older man to climax but not to ejaculate. I rarely do so myself and it changes nothing.

@yeriknow thanks. Im open to seeing him again (my hips are suffering a little though lol), and no he didn't fake anything which I'm glad about.

@YehaaYessir yes I have faked it and for a prolonged period that it's had lasting impact, never again. Hopefully you are both right that it's a nerves thing although I was hoping for someone with a confidence about them so will see how it continues.

@MaroonedinWales something I wasn't aware of so thanks. Would there still be a clear sign it had happened? One of my fave bits of sex is actually that vibration as the man orgasms inside me and I definitely didn't feel it.

If there is no ejaculated there is no need for the pulsations you would usually expect. It's to do with the protrate on my case but I couldn't answer for anyone else, sorry.

Thanks for the info. If it makes any difference this guy is under the age of 30 and I guess it seemed strange as it's nothing I've experienced before.
I'm thinking it's more likely confidence related which as I've said is a slight shame as ideally I'm looking for someone who has "presence" in my eyes. But maybe it's just an initial hurdle.

It sometimes can a few dates to get into the rhythm of sex between partners. he may well be just cautious and respectful?

Good luck Op with the relationship early days

I'm having to work hard to achieve an orgasm with my current partner and, like you, she has questioned whether it's because she's "just not doing it for me." She is. It may be your partner has just learned to respond to his own touch and the neural pathways need to be reformed, which may take time.

There have definitely been strong, negative messages about men and consent over the last few. Whether or not that's what's holding him back (and I'd guess it might be), it will do no harm have that conversation with him. It might just bring him out of his shell.

Men do fail to orgasm on occasions, it’s unlikely to be your technique or that he doesn’t fancy you, sometimes it just doesn’t happen

Could be lots of things;

retrograde ejaculation or first time nerves most likely, what it won’t be is anything you’ve done wrong .

@mbonfield he does seem to have that vibe about him. Maybe I need to tell him that I'm hoping for someone who can push a bit more so he doesn't need to worry in the bedroom sense.

@IHE thats really helpful. Hopefully it's something that we can figure out together as I do get pleasure from the sensation so would like to try and help get him there.
I definitely don't want him to overthink on things like consent either which I know is hard these days but I'm trying to give clear and obvious signals or actually telling him outright as well.

@Sadcafe i guess it's just that it hasn't happened with me before and with some other little things I questioned if maybe I wasn't meeting his needs. It's probably more common than I realise so good to hear.

@Smithey588 i don't feel like it's me doing anything wrong thankfully. I'm comfortable that sometimes it just doesn't fit and I'm ok with that. But also good to gauge that nerves seem to be a likely thing to consider.

I guess we'll see if he wants to arrange another date and go from there as I'm trying to stop being the one always asking men out haha

I’d put it down to first time nerves but if it happened persistently I’d be asking questions about how and when he cums on his own. If he has got into a habit of regular masturbation especially with the assistance of porn that may make it harder for him to cum from PIV sex.

I guess I'll find out, although he hasn't attempted to arrange another date, which I would expect once sex is on the table so maybe it's a mixture of things and not just nerves.

Realistically, if a young man has been single for a while, the vast majority will have got into the habit of regular masturbation… id say that’s pretty natural and normal for a man with a high sex drive.

Sex, especially with a condom, will be a very different sensation, and so it’s not surprising that some have difficulty cumming, in the same way as if you were used to using a vibrator on your clit for years and expected to cum straight away from PIV sex.

OP - My advice (having had your experience) is that if you like the guy, and the sex is otherwise great, don’t fret about him not cumming. He’ll be very aware of the issue, and if he has any sense he’ll be abstaining from masturbation to build up sexual tension.

Also, I’d talk about it… not in an accusatory way, but in a helpful and encouraging way, telling him not to stress and ask how you can help him cum, but not putting him under any pressure to…. Which is exactly what we’d want a man to doing we weren’t orgasming.

If you do this, give it a few weeks and he’ll likely be cumming like clockwork.

Of course, if he doesn’t respond positively, and refuses to engage, that’s different.

@Pigeonpoodle thanks for the advice. I actually contacted him late yesterday to say that he hadn't asked for further dates and I wasn't sure if that was nerves or that he wasn't keen. His initial response was just that he was going to be busy for a bit (so I knew what was coming).
Low and behold he wants to work on himself right now and doesn't feel any chemistry.

I’m sorry. At least he was honest and didn’t string you along.

In my experience (I’m nearly 50), most sexual issues can resolved if both parties are open and honest, and don’t put pressure on the other to perform.

It’s a bit of a paradox, the greater the expectations you have for sex, the worse sex you’ll have…

@Pigeonpoodle this bit is a standard of online dating that I'm sadly very used to. And I have very low expectations sexually 😂 rather sad actually, but one day lol.