Attraction gone

[Rainbowbeginings]

I’ve been married for 10 years now and we have 2 beautiful children. I would say for the last couple of years I haven’t felt attracted to my husband. I hoped it was just hormones and it would come back but it hasn’t despite trying lots of things (dressing up, toys, massage). I’ve also been fantasising about other people so it’s definitely still there. I feel awful admitting this but is there a way back?

I don’t think there is a way back. Speaking personally, that is. I stayed in a marriage for 23 years and for most of them, I wasn’t attracted to my husband and, as a result, our marriage drifted into a sexless one (for many years). We also didn’t share any form of affection or intimacy between us. Like a fool, I had accepted that was the way things were and I had to live with it and keep myself busy with the children and my career.

Boom! At menopause I couldn’t stand it any longer. I got involved with someone else - obviously hormones playing a big part and, yes, I ended the marriage immediately - and, my goodness, was I awoken from a deep sleep!!

I regret having spent so many years alone in my marriage. I’m still alone - OM still in my life but more friends now. He didn’t have the guts to end his marriage. 😞. And, I can’t find what I’m looking for. Sadly, too late.

were you attracted to him before kids?

has his appearance changed significantly in 10 years?

do you spend quality couple time together (v difficult at this stage I know!)?

do you feel like you sometimes have to ‘parent’ him too- ie he adds to your workload rather than supporting you?

have you developed feelings for someone else (influencing how you feel about him)?

you don’t have to reply but if I was you I would explore these issues, and possible solutions, maybe in counselling

good luck!

Thanks @Gymbunny2025 - he’s a great Dad and brilliant at helping with the household chores etc so definitely don’t feel I’ve got to look after him too! I just have no passion for him anymore and we do as much as we can with young children around but maybe some more date days / nights might help.

Thanks for your response @OpalFruitsMakeYourMouthWater - i fantasise about having sex with other people and I feel so bad I don’t feel the way for him anymore. I just feel like I can’t end it just because of that and what it would do to the kids - their happiness is more important than mine.

There is a book called mating in captivity that I’ve seen recommended on here a few times. It’s by the wonderful Esther Perel. I’ve not read it but think it’s exactly about your situation so might be worth a look.

I really hope you find the solution

You have to look at the bigger picture. Yes, you may find good sex with someone else, but is that enough? How would you feel to be a single parent again, what about the financial implications of breaking up - could you afford a house/lifestyle on your own? How will it affect your children long term? Can you cope mentally with a "blended" family if you found someone else you do fancy and want to merge your families? All practical stuff really. Sex is only one part of the bigger picture. You have to be pragmatic. It's highly unlikely many people have "everything" i.e. lifestyle, partner, family, etc that's perfect for them. Most people make compromises. It's up to you whether a compromised sex life is worth everything else your DH brings to the table. Or whether you'd prefer a better sex life and compromise on everything else. It's all a matter of balance.

You seem to suggest that you're happy with DH in all other aspects. Are you willing to give that up for better sex? Only you can answer.

Your alternative I suppose is an affair or FWB kind of situation where you get the sex you need but you risk your marriage - if he ends up finding out, your break up/separation/divorce is likely to be harder and more stressful and more expensive than if you separate amicable before you get sex elsewhere.

Another aspect is whether better sex will make you happy for the longer term, or whether you'll be "bored" with your new man after a few years and be back in the same position.

Nothing wrong with fantasising and playing etc - most people do it. Most people will close their eyes and think of someone else during sex during longer term relationships. It doesn't necessarily mean you have to scratch the itch.

I've been in your position and basically didn't have sex or any other intimacy for many years during our 38 year relationship. But I didn't have sex with anyone else either. Yes, I fancied other people, fantasised, etc., and wore out my small selection of sex toys. We just didn't/couldn't do anything with each other for a few years for various reasons. We've got through it and started being intimate again and things returned to a mutually acceptable/enjoyable level of intimacy. In my case, I think it was easier to accept the potential loss of my sex life when middle aged because to an extent I'd filled my boots when a lot younger, so had "done everything, tried everything" with my first two boyfriends (the second who became my OH), so didn't think I'd missed out of anything.

Sex drives for a woman ebb and flow over their lifetimes. I'd have to think very long and hard about giving up an otherwise perfect husband just because the sex wasn't as good as it used to be! But that's me and everyone is different and has different priorities. It's got to be a balance as only a tiny number of people will have perfection in all areas from their partner.

Thanks @Badbadbunny for your response. I certainly wouldn’t want to rip our family unit apart and as I’ve said the kids happiness will always come before my own and I won’t do that to them so no worries there. I guess I’ll just keep up the fantasies and hope it gets better with some time.

I don't understand these types of posts.

I mean I can understand a lack of attraction but to discover this after 2 kids and years of marriage??

It always seems to be after the kids and financial security has been achieved.

What is it that is hard to understand? Is it not pretty common to lose attraction after 8 years of marriage and having kids?

It certainly happened to me and my ex was just as keen to have kids as I was and I was the one providing the financial stability so I’m not sure what point you’re trying to make. Maybe take your misogynistic assumptions off to reddit deadbedrooms

I don’t understand this at all, surely if she breaks up with him now she is risking
her financial stability.

Are you saying that the uncertainty of finances makes you fancy someone more?

Did you get together young OP?

I presevered in an unhappy marriage - sexually especially also - for 20 years. I thought we would grow together but we grew massively apart and there was no tenderness or intimacy on any level by the end. I tried and kept suggesting counselling, but it fell on deaf ears. I made the decision to leave and it was the best thing! My kids were seeing an unhappy marriage as a ‘template’ and that is not what i want for my children when they grow up. I don’t want them to feel they’ve to settle, or not rock the boat or not prioritise their own needs in a relationship. I wanted them to see positive relationships were both parties are happy, affectionate and joyous together (yes we all can fall out and have disagreements, but for the most part visibly very happy).

I enjoyed playing the field discretely after my divorce and I’m now in a very happy relationship that has blown me away and made me realise how much I was head in the sand for so many years with how unhappy I was.

This was my situation and yours will be different. I’d explore what’s lacking for you and have that tough conversation with your OH and see if he can meet you in the middle with this or would consider couples counselling?

If your heart is set (and only you’ll know when it is) on a fresh start - don’t let fear of the unknown stop you. It’s that, that makes many people stay in unfulfilling situations and actually the grass can be a whole lot greener on the other side 🌈

I think if kids are actively seeing an unhappy marriage that is toxic for them. But many marriages are perfectly happy except for the attraction element (sounds like OP case?). They could be best friends still. In which case I can’t see divorce would be in your children’s best interest. And then on a purely selfish level you have to consider the horrors of OLD these days and accept you may end up single.

The kids certainly don’t see us being unhappy. It’s more me and the way I feel and that my husband puts alot of emphasis on sex and being loving when it’s not so important to me. I’m having a good think about things and appreciate everyone’s responses.