How to say "No"?

[IHE]

Is there a good way to say "No" to sex?

My new partner is riding the much talked about wave of HRT libido surge. Which is absolutely bloody fabulous!!! She wants sex every time we see eachother - every night, every morning and given half a chance, in the middle of the day as well - and after years in respectively sexless marriages, we're both having a lot of fun! #humblebrag

However, the inevitability is taking the shine off it a little for me and, whilst I don't want to be complacent, I'm wondering what the best way is to say "can we just sleep tonight?" or even if there is a good way?

IMO women take rejection to sex more personally than men do tread carefully !

Maybe agree on times ie certain days when you do or dont? say you’d like better quality sex.

Honesty is always best. But phrase it well...

"I'm really REALLY enjoying having so much sex with you. (Insert lots of why you're enjoying it comments here). I'm loving that you're up for it so often too. It's amazing fun. I'm just finding that it's a bit too often for me now and the shine has gone a little as I know it's going to happen every time we meet. Can we sometimes put the brakes on? Instead of all out sex every time, can we just stop at kissing? Leave ourselves a bit of anticipation for the next time? I'm worried that too much sex might end up being counter productive to us."

Something like that. See where the conversation goes.

You will need to tread very carefully with this one, you could always try the headache one.....

I think as it’s a very new situation you need to be prepared for her to walk away too. Good luck!

Just communicate but be careful on wording that's all both of your feelings matter and you guys should value and respect each others wants and needs

She will calm down, herself, anyway. The sex surge doesn’t last forever.

I would just be honest?

I have a higher sex drive than my partner and him not wanting sex would never annoy me if communicated in a straightforward way, but for a while he tried to just avoid it without saying so and it was very obvious and made me feel like shit because then I’d start wondering all sorts. Once we finally had a big talk about it it’s been great ever since.

100% agree with this, women seem to take sexual rejection more personally than men, as others say - maybe agree to every other day

I am a woman so yes I agree we take a no as a hard rejection. However, doesn’t your partner have any self awareness that the HRT is giving her a very high libido and it’s not sustainable for the you? Or fair? I don’t agree that you should have sex with her once a day to keep her happy! If a woman came here with the same issue as you, the male would be called a sex pest and she’d be told to LTB. I think it’s a bit ridiculous that you are being advised to appease her - it’s not sustainable. Have a chat. I love sex but I’d like to do other things in my day like go to lunch, have a walk together , watch a movie … you are not telling her you don’t want to spend time with her but simply that sex 3 times a day, every day, doesn’t work for you!

But maybe she’s enjoying her high libido (after years of no sex)? I totally agree he should be honest about his needs. But also think she should be true to her needs (they’ve only been dating a month or so). That doesn’t make her a sex pest!

I do hope they can find a solution that works for them both though

@Gymbunny2025 I’ve been in the woman’s place, no sex for years till I met my partner and I’m peri menopausal now. But I think both the op and his partner should equally enjoy sex - that includes quantity. And I didn’t call her a pest, I said if it was a male wanting sex 3 times a day indeed he would be a called a sex pest. I think we should all have the sex we want to have. If my partner and I have a few days off f intense sex (twice a day) after a while we are both sore to be frank! So we laugh and say let’s watch Netflix tonight and cuddle up.

They are in the early stages of dating so yes lots of sex but really also going on dates, getting to know each other, that kind of thing? Don’t you think that’s a fair expectation?

I think it’s fair to want sex 3 times a day especially in the early stages. I also think it’s fair not to. I think both compromising or deciding they want different things are both options that should be considered.

For me personally I’d probably decide we weren’t compatible.

@Gymbunny2025 agree not compatible. In the first few months it was non stop for myself and my partner and we still have days like this on a weekend where we will have a lot of sex in the morning and get out of bed at lunchtime! However I would feel awful if I felt my partner had sex with me and he didn’t feel like it. Desire is a thing you really can’t fake!

@IHE Could you suggest just cuddling up? So she has the reassurance and and physical closeness? Or how quickly could you get her off without PIV? Or suggest she masturbates and you watch… just tell her her pleasure is your pleasure and you’re saving your pleasure for bit to make the release more enjoyable?

Thanks for all the thoughts.
Well, for your amusement, I unintentionally found a way to have the conversation. I don't particularly recommend it, but the following 7 Step Strategy seemed to be quite effective.

1. Have a nice kiss and cuddle.
2. Repeatedly steer your partner's hands away from foreplay and back to a cuddle.
3. When her hands keep wandering and you feel your stress levels increasing, because you're in little doubt your partner has read the signs but is choosing to ignore them, gently break away from the cuddle.
4. If she persues you, repeat steps 1-3, then busy yourself with something else while calmly returning to a previous conversation.
5. When she then "surprises you from behind", purely as an unconscious, knee jerk reaction, jump out of your skin and bark "FFS!!!" (This will be most effective if shouting profanity at your partner is completely out of character.)
6. Then have a long conversation about how it's great that HRT has helped her find the "old her", emphasise that it really is good sex and a whole lot of fun satisfying her ravenous sexual needs, it's absolutely fine to want sex 3 times a day, and if sometimes even that isn't enough, there's a reasonable chance you'll be up for that too, but it's important to acknowledge that not all men want sex 24/7 and when they do occasionally say "No", (verbally or otherwise) that's ok too and should be respected.

1. Finish off with supper, and 2 or 3 hours of mutually satisfying sex, followed by another 45min session in the morning. If the sex is accompanied by a soundtrack of "is this ok is this ok is this ok", suck it up, just say "yes" and be thankful that that your partner still wants to have lots of sex with you.

(Note to self - cancel gym membership and stock up on energy bars.)

In all seriousness, it's interesting that sex 3 times a day in middle age is not uncommon, especially "in the first few months."

She’s gonna wear you out 😂

3 Mars Bars a day required…especially for the play 😉

@IHE Could you suggest quality not quantity? I am tired out just reading about it tbh… I mean I do love sex with my husband but I also like an early night or a late night scrolling mumsnet too lol

@OpalFruitsMakeYourMouthWater I know the story about Mick Jagger, but three Mars bars?! 😲

@fourelementary "Sorry darling. I know you're feeling horny, but I've got some MN posts to catch up on. You'll have to sort yourself out tonight." I could see myself back on Bumble very quickly if I said that.🤣

"In all seriousness, it's interesting that sex 3 times a day in middle age is not uncommon, especially "in the first few months."

xFwB and I used to often wake around 8am on a Sunday and not get out of bed until 3pm - granted there'd be a couple of films half watched in that time too.

Dress, go out for dinner and back to bed about 9pm. Sleep about 11pm.

We were friends for over 4 years.

I advise you to stock up on those Mars Bars @IHE

@IHE one Mars per session 🤭

Thought of you last night @IHE

Sex had already been planned for yesterday evening. I had a text during the day asking if we could watch something whilst on the sofa, then sleep.

When the film finished, a hand was held out to me "I'm going to sleep in bed now. Are you going to join me, or stay here for a bit?" When we got into bed, there were naked hugs and then he went to sleep.

I was a little miffed but I knew he was tired. And he'd communicated that. Clearly. Kindly. So there's your answer to your question.